40, wanting a baby but family not being supportive

[LouCharlie1]

Hi everyone,

I am after some advice and would be grateful to anyone who could help.
I turned 40 last year, I have been with my partner for 14 months now. I live with him and his two children who I am very close too. My partners two girls aged 11 and 14 live with us. They have been living with their father for about 5 years now. The mother has issues and deserted them but is now back on the scene, she has a relationship with the youngest but the eldest doesn't want anything to do with her. Their mother has recently had a baby and the eldest is devastated. I would love to have a baby however the eldest is so against us doing it.. also the family have said it would mess up the eldest head more than it is already and they would be very concerned for her. We have tried talking to her but she comes across very angry and said she would not speak to her dad again.
I love his children as my own but I really want to have my own baby :-( I'm so upset that his family feel I would be causing such upset to my partners eldest I just don't know what to do.

You can’t let a 14 year old dictate whether or not you have a child. That is a decision strictly for you and your partner. I also think if you really want to have your own child but choose not to on the opinions of others then you could end up very resentful.

It’s a decision for you and your partner - I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business nor why you have consulted with others in the first place.

If the 14 year old has such issues then she should be supported and offered help but in terms of her influencing the decision, just no.

You and your DP need to make this decision not his 14 year old DD. If you want a baby and can provide it with a safe and secure environment and good life then go for it. Life is too short for regrets and you don't want to resent your DD when she is grown and the time has past for you to have a baby.

I kind of agree that it's not the 14yo's place to decide, but you have to recognise the effect on her that having another child would have. Your first priority must be to meet the emotional needs of the children you/he already have. She has been through a lot, and I suppose it comes down to a judgement as to whether this would have a significant and harmful impact on her and/or the relationship. I think it's fairly likely from what you've said. That puts you in a very difficult position as you don't really have time to wait a few years and see how things settle down. If you're desperate for a child of your own, this is probably not the relationship for you tbh.

I had a dc at 43 with a new dh. My dc were nothing but supportive and adore ds, you dsd may be supporting her dm by being so dismissive of your plans but she can't dictate to you whether you have a dc or not. Tbh most teens are horrified at the knowledge dps have sex never mind a dc!!

Have you managed to find out the specific reason she doesn't want you to have a baby? It sounds like it's based on her (understandable) resentment of her mother which you might be able to work around.

I don’t think a 14yo should be dictating whether you have a child. For starters at age 40 it could take you a year or more to conceive anyway, plus nine months means it could be two years before a baby arrives by which time she’ll be 16 and might feel completely different.

However since she is clearly not coping well with her situation I think what you and your partner should do is try and find ways of dealing with the underlying problem and helping her settle down and feel more secure and happy so that the idea of another half-sibling isn’t so upsetting. Some form of counselling/therapy (youth trust or similar) might help, or having one-to-one time or a particular project or hobby to do with her dad maybe.

Also with regard to the rest of the family sticking their oar in, please remember it’s none of their business if you are trying to conceive and you and your partner don’t have to tell anyone about it. They are understandably concerned about his daughter but they have no way of knowing how things will turn out - she is clearly going through a difficult time but if things are handled the right way she might end up loving her little brother/sister and being really happy that they came along.

How does your partner feel about having a baby? I agree with the other posters, this is your decision, not the eldest daughter's or any other family. I don't really understand how having a baby would mess her head up even more. It seems more like a jealousy thing maybe? Maybe she is used to being the centre of attention? Apologies if I have spoken out of turn, just throwing the option out there.

Thank you all for such honest answers, or has helped so I really appreciate it.
I'm very torn to be honest, I do want to be mum, however I don't know whether having a baby is right for us as a family. I've grown up wanting it so much but always wanted to be in a very Happy, settled relationship. It has taken me a long time to find 'the one' but that's how life goes!
When I reached 40 I thought now is the time to make thst decision. And part of me wants the opportunity to be a mum and I know I would be fantastic at it, but the other half, and this is me being completely honest now.. is thinking do I really want to be 55 years old with a child just over 10? And my partner will be 61? No not really. Even though it hurts me to say it, I wanted to be a young mum. I wish I met my partner 10 years ago then this decision wouldn't be so difficult 🙁

Does your partner want to have a baby?