Sod the elections we want erections! We're hoping our miroids will deposit their seed in our lady gardens, and we'll all end up growing giblets. Come and join us on our magical new bedsheets, it's Jus

[Niffertiti]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 45 is <a class="break-all" href="//" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2367307-It-is-the-goat-jazz-we-seek-but-the-twee-monitors-have-too-much-opinion-on-getting-between-the-sheets-sexpests-writing-notes-we-may-be-but-at-least-the-bins-go-out-Were-all-praying-our-uterus-won</a> HERE ]]

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2368193-Wed-rather-have-a-finger-than-a-funnel-whilst-eating-our-bodyweight-in-Raspberry-Magnums-to-ease-the-fanny-daggers-keep-growing-those-babies-viroids-its-JS-Grads-no-27</a> HERE ]]

The current Mumming Fred is HERE

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is HERE

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found HERE

Stats sheet is HERE

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Morning viroids

Hugs to honey xxx it's mine on wed too. Been thinking about my lost baby loads. Sending you

Oh no 5hell that's crap :( do you have to go back to the docs for checking?

FF is convinced I'm 4DPO today (think I iced on Thursday, stupid app). So now I can't trust this month because if my LP is long it's either because ff is wrong, the vits are working or an act of god.

lil if you are lurking whilst unpacking, I hope you are ok! It's weird you not being around on this Fred!

Also, tink, another possible lurker. Hope all is ok with you and DH x

:( la big hugs to you as well as honey. I can't believe how fast it's come round for you both x

honey & la

Morning all, thinking of everyone who needs a hug this week.

Having a lazy start to today, should be on way to school, but going to meeting in town instead, so sat on sofa half dressed and catching up.

Fell asleep before OH came to bed last night, so all the shaving and primping went to waste and he'll have to put up with stubble later.

So AF is a week away by my calculations - we did one more shag last night, just to be on the safe side, but I think I can safely leave it a bit longer in between for a tiny while.

Do you know, I never realised how small the window is. It's a wonder anyone gets pregnant ever at all.

Thanks everyone. DHs car is supposed to be going to the garage today after his accident the other week but car won't start so the garage is having to come and collect it. Brilliant start.

I have work today and need to write a report for a meeting tomorrow so hopefully will be too busy to think too much.

Sending hugs to Honey and La - and gx for BFPs for you both very soon.

Sarah you seem like you're on a similar cycle to me - when's AF due? I need someone to obsess with.

Thursday my AF is also due next week! Stopped shagging last Tuesday though... You have more staying power than me.

I know - getting pregnant seems so hard: the egg only has 12 - 24 hours max before it dies! The fertile period is only 6 days! How does anyone get upduffed??

The NHS website is most annoying - all the above info is out there and then under the contraception bit it's all "you can get pregnant at ANY time in your cycle".

Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever!

I guess they're just covering themselves feathered, after all there may be a teeny % of women who ovulate v v early, and some who ov v v late, so in theory a woman (not every woman) could get pg at any time.

But you're right the odds do seem stacked against us...I assume evolution has lead to this being the best way in terms of population balance? i.e. if it was too easy in ye olden days the population would have exploded and might have subsequently imploded and died out ?!?!

jel i will ring epu and see what they say...may be yet another blood test to check hcg is still falling i guess? maybe i'm just an incredibly slow metaboliser. did a superdrug one, and i know some of you have said they are super sensitive, so hoping hcg is actually v low

now if one of you lot could get a bfp that would cheer me up nicely (seriously get POAS!!!)

Thinking of you honey

5hell it took me 5 weeks to get a BFN. They did scan me after 4 weeks and everything was gone. Sometimes it just takes time. It's shit though. Maybe give them a call and see what they say?

Right, DH is off to work in his courtesy car. I need to tidy mine rather desperately. I bought two boxes for the boot this week, one for work, one for brownies etc. Need to take the final step and sort things in to it! I love the idea of being organised, the reality, not so much.

Lil I miss you!

I have crazy moments where I try to sort stuff then it falls away lol, and I often forget where I've stored things and assume it is lost!

Hugs for you honey, 5hell and La

Thanks sarah haha I am relieved to hear it is optional. Hope I'm mucusy enough to conceive!

I did a similar thing where I laughed out loud about the spongy cervix pudding and DP looked at me askance. I simply said "the internet is funny!" and he smiled and nodded indulgently

honey and jelly I'm on a big decluttering kick at the moment! Getting rid of things is sort of addictive!

thanks carrot that's interesting to hear - it's been 4.5 weeks since bleeding started and maybe 2 weeks since it stopped. i should probably just be more patient, but the epu did tell me to do a test this week.

we decluttered loads of DH's clothes at the weekend...he's lost several stone so oxfam got 3 bin bags full of mostly barely-worn clothes.
will prob have to go shopping for him again next weeknd - i think he's down ~6 stone now since he's biggest...M&S have done very well out of him!!

pretz cm is weird! i only tend to notice cm (esp ewcm) after a shit (TMI!) and as for cervix position...no idea; think glow is dissapointed with my lack of data ;)

5hell I actually got my AF before BFN. It arrived a day before I was supposed to test again, so I didn't bother. But then when I called EPU a few days later they said they suggest I test anyway, so that I def know I have had that BFN for future. So I did, but it was probably BFN before that IYSWIM. But I would give them a call and see what they say.

Spongy cervix pudding should def go into next Fred title!

AF is still here and I'm feeling horny and want to shag! Come on, bugger off witch, we've got a baby to make!

Feeling journey whilst the witch is present is the worst thing ever!!

Journey?? Horny I meant!!

Hi :) omg struggling to keep up with this today!

to everyone who needs them, seems to be a few of you :(

feathered AF is due next Monday (according to my untrustworthy app) what about you?

i know what you all mean about this pregnancy thing...weird how people have 'accidents' when it's so difficult to conceive when you actually want to!!

hahah pretzel and 5hell, i googled how to check cm because i was like wtf i dont have much of this, and they said after a shit is best! haha although i dont actually know where my cervix is so i'm fucked for checking that...checking cm went terrible too so i gave up

jelly journey!!! hahaha love auto correct

for you today Honey - I've passed two such anniversaries, one pregnant and one not. It's hard, do look after yourself. Indestructibean is being trouble - transverse (still), now 34w (!), growth tailing off (50th-25th-3rd centile) but placenta flow and fluid and stuff all looks fine so fuck knows why - they never stop being a worry, from pre-conception onwards... To help my state of mind, the Belgian government are messing with postnatal stays (shortening them from a 4-5day average, down to 2 days max, all being well), but haven't implemented any increase in community support for follow-up. Which is good. If my parents hadn't already paid for tickets to come look after me for half of June I'd be on the next Eurostar home, frankly. Sorry. That was a bit of a rant.

Feathered - I'm one of those people who got pregnant at a weird point in their cycle - it's why JSing worked so well for us :) I must have ovulated late, it being only second cycle post MC. Just keep swimming in jizz

Spongy cervix pudding one for Nigella's next book?

for honey, la and 5hell Sorry for all of you.

Back on nights again for me this week, managed to sneak in a morning shag today but not sure how much more I'll be getting the rest of the week.

Had a great weekend though, parents and sister visited after my sister's epic bike ride, and had a nice meal out and some good chats. Not-so-subtle hints from Dad about grandchildren though.

chat hope indestructabean is ok!! I assume you are being closely monitored?

Anally so, Jelly

Sock, my dad bought DH a babygro for Christmas one year, complete with a post-it note saying 'take a hint'. Luckily we weren't struggling with ttc, and subsequently he's been a brilliant support. We were a bit at his sense of humour at the time!

Oh well I got that wrong -AF just turned up :/