Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Aw bear I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug. You absolutely belong here. We all lost babies in the second or third trimesters, or had neonatal deaths. It's the club noone wants to be a member of! But the ladies on here are amazing and so supportive.

I had a massive urge to get pregnant after I lost my little boy as soon as I could. Primal is the word. Part of it is that you want to have your baby that you lost again, even though it is impossible. I had to wait 6 months because of my c section and then it took me another 3 months after that to conceive (via IVF, my son was also IVF because I have PCOS). Others have taken more time to conceive again, which also sucks. TTC after loss is really hard. And then pregnancy after loss is hard, but then everything after losing your child is bloody hard. We'll be here for you no matter what your timeline is.

But hopefully you can discuss TTC when you meet with your doctor for a follow up consultation? I know if you've had a 'normal' birth they say to wait 3 months usually, but there are ladies here like lovely Ducky who conceived again sooner than that.

In the meantime, I would take your prenatal vitamins to replenish the stores of nutrients in your body and practice what they call 'self care' where I am in the US - so lots of sleep (when you can), maybe a massage, nice food, snuggles with your DH and any pets you might have, working on something creative (I knit up a storm in the months after J died). Walking round the park, feeling sun on your face. Crying when you need to. Talking about your baby. Just be gentle and kind to yourself. I'm so so sorry you lost your darling baby. I am so sorry that this has happened and you're going through this. You need to take time to grieve, but only you know what's the right timeline for a little sibling. Big big hug.

Hugs to all the TTCers, and those waiting to try. Any testing going on soon?

Ducky I can't believe how insensitive people are sometimes, you'd think the clue would have been the room you were in....
Still, hopefully it's a sign that baby loss is infrequent enough that even healthcare professionals can forget that it happens.

Townsender do you mean pregnancy tests? I have another week before I can test. It's dragging. I'm so impatient. Xx

Hello,
I am new to all this but have just started ttc again and am needing some support!
I had a stillbirth at 26 weeks 31st August 2014 and have only now felt ready to try again. The last 9 months have been full of ups and downs but I married my wonderful man earlier this month and we are off on honeymoon in 10 days and have decided now is a good time to start.

I have lost weight to be in a healthy BMI and am eating healthy but as no cause was found at PM I still wonder what was the cause and am driving myself a little mad trying to do everything right! This is after only just starting to try. So worried how crazy I will be if/when I fall.
Has anyone else experienced this?! Or am I mad?!

Thank you, all of you for such lovely replies, it feels incredible to hear from people who have been through similar experiences. I've been a bit scared to check the thread, I suppose because my way of coping in day to day life at present (work etc) is to not talk or think about her or what happened. Somehow talking about her seems so scary, although I do have a lot of real life support.

Ill share my story, but I'm likely to ramble and perhaps make no sense! I got pregnant unexpectedly on the pill (this was my first pregnancy, no other dc). I didn't know I was pregnant but believed I was having an irregular period, with intermittent heavy gushing bleeding. After 3 weeks of said bleeding went to the dr who tested and told me I was pregnant but may well be having a miscarriage. This news was of course shocking, but we spent the weekend waiting for the EPU scan deciding we would want to continue with the pregnancy if we had the option. When they eventually scanned me they found a healthy 12 week baby and a large area of haemorrhage.

Although we were nervous about the pregnancy we were constantly assured by medical staff and therefore changed our plans (I deferred a place to do postgrad training programme at Uni this sept) got excited, announced and started to purchase and prepare! I had two other bleeds through out the pregnancy which involved a trip to hospital and scan and all was well although on the last occasion (3 days before we lost her they informed me I had placental lakes).

Anyway I started having cramping pain, contractions know now. We went to A&E (40 min drive away) around 9 that night, they checked my cervix was closed and successfully found a heart beat, they explained the pain away as stretching pain, and sent me home.I didn't believe this, but as my first pregnancy I had no comparison. Pain continued and worsened so around 11 went to the out of hours GP (closer then A&E) and he again told me it was stretching pain and to take paracetamol. 3 hours later I delivered her in our bathroom at home. It was very traumatic, especially for my DP. At the time
I sort of went into shock I guess.

Ambulance came and took me to A&E, our baby had been fully delivered but the placenta remained. They tried to send me for general
Op to remove but bp too low so in end removed with gas and air which I was thankful for really.

I feel so many emotions. I am angry at the hospital, perhaps my labour could have been stopped. Even if they couldn't stop they could have prevented the trauma of us delivering her and with no pain relief. However I feel this kind of anger is futile. It happened and can't be changed.

I'm aware now this is incredibly long so will wrap things up. In many ways I am lucky, we did not try to conceive for months only to have this happen, we also weren't full term and feeling safe. The whole experience has shown me what I want in life, to have a family, which is something I felt very torn about at the beginning of the year. I don't mean to sound dismissive, it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and my heart is broken. I just want I try and glean any possible positives and focus on the future - although I will never ever forget our baby daughter.

Reading that back I sound so heartless. I am not, I loved her more then I could ever imagine loving anyone and I never even knew her. I just wanted to be as concise as possible as the story is long winded and I'm sat in my car typing this and sobbing on my break at work!

Hi Mrs welcome to the thread. So sorry for the loss of your baby, if you want to share more about your baby you're welcome to here.

Congratulations on your recent wedding! As for jow you will feel, I've lost count of the many crazy thoughts and feelings I've had throughout ttc! I think some people are like that even when they've had healthy babies so of course we're going to feel like it. Sounds like you're in the right frame of mind to start trying. I know it's easier said than done but try not to put too much pressure on your self. And you're welcome to vent/let the crazy out on here if you need to!

Hi mrs : congratulations. Hopefully your honeymoon will bring you a rainbow. Trying not to worry about what might or might not happen is a constant battle. Enjoy your holiday whatever happens. Xx

Bear: so sorry to read your story but glad you could share it. I was also dismissed as having normal pregnancy pains. Like you say with nothing to compare what else are we to have thought. Also wanted to believe so desperately that it wasn't abnormal pain. You don't sound heartless at all. Sometimes the facts are hard but your love for your baby girl is clear. Take it easy. Hugs Xx

bear Sorry I think we crossed posts. That must have been so frightening for you to have delivered her at home with just your dh. I'm sorry you had to go through that x

A sad but warm welcome to mrs and bear, I'm so very sorry for your losses and just wish no one had to be here but you will find great support from the ladies here and indeed the graduates of this thread who pop back and are so supportive.

I'm a lurker here as we aren't ttc yet - long story short is that I lost my Ds when I went into labour at 27 weeks and he was delivered by emcs. He lived for 8 days and it's 7 months tomorrow since we lost him. No known cause. In many ways it feels like a lifetime, although some times it feels just like yesterday. I want to ttc again (have a dd who is 3) but sadly my Dh is suffering from post traumatic stress and really is not ready. He was a complete rock in the early raw days but it's catching up with him now. It's so very hard but we are getting support from a psychologist/counsellor. I hope that you are both getting support in rl and if not then I'd recommend counselling if you feel you want to - I never thought I'd get much out of it but it's been a massive help.

bear I can't imagine how traumatic your experience must've been at home, you sound very strong and positive which is fantastic but we are all here to listen on those low days when you just need a rant. It's such early days, be kind to yourself and do whatever feels right for you in terms of ttc or not. It is such a roller coaster of emotions but you are not alone xxx

mrs congratulations on your wedding. You're not mad at all - ttc after loss has got to be one of the most stressful experiences for a couple so I'm wishing you so much luck x

Waves to everyone and hope you're all ok x

Bear thankyou for sharing your story, you sound like a very strong and positive person. I know it's tough to remember what happened, but actually I really found it helped being able to tell my story, just one on one with good friends who I knew would listen. Or, as Cake mentions, counsellors are great for that too.
I was also told I was having ligament pain (at 26 weeks +5), to lie down and take paracetamol, and it's only by incredible luck and freak of nature that I didn't have my daughter in bed at home alone. My contractions stopped when my waters broke, giving me time to get to hospital. But my waking nightmare is full of 'what ifs' of those few hours. I know that anger, and I know exactly what you mean, it is futile, nobody can answer that 'what if' question. Doesn't stop how you feel though.
Did she have a name? You don't have to share here, but feel free to call her by name or initial as she is your little girl and part of your family.

Mrs welcome to the thread, and many congratulations on your wedding! I hope you have a fantastic honeymoon. Yes, unfortunately TTC can be much more mentally stressful after loss, I certainly found I went slightly bonkers (and hence found myself on Mumsnet!). Great planning to start on honeymoon though. Happy shagging!

Can I pop in and say hi? The lovely Town pointed me in your direction. I'm so glad there's a place for us though I wish so much that none of us found ourselves here.

This week my son was stillborn at 36 weeks. He was a much longed-for 2nd child, brother to 3yr old DD at home. We had two miscarriages after DD, a singleton and twins. I honestly thought I'd lost him at 6w but we think now that it was another twin pregnancy but one miscarried early.

I could never quite place why, but I was anxious throughout the pregnancy. I put it down to miscarriages, and being away from home (we're expats for now). But at 32 weeks, his growth was slowing down and though everything else on scans and bloods looked ok I was being scanned every week.

The day before my 36 week scan was just like any other. I woke up early in the morning thinking I just needed the bathroom, but when I got there I nearly fainted and had to lie on the floor. Very soon after I had a wave of severe back pain - similar too, but worse than my labour with DD. It never went away. We rushed to hospital and was seen straight away. I was 8cms but he was breech abd they couldn't pick up a heartbeat. I pushed with all my strength and minutes later our son was born. Despite all the efforts of the doctors, he never had a heartbeat. We've no idea what happened - there is no sign of an abruption or a cord issue. He's had a post mortem but results will take weeks and may not tell us anything.

Even though it's still very early days, I have been thinking a lot about trying again. Even during this pregnancy I'd been mentally rearranging our house to fit in extra children, I love them... But I'm terrified. Of more miscarriage, of pregnancy, of it being one long anxious, stressful time. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to trust my body again. Does that ever get easier? Is there a time when you do start to think you could do it all again?

Thank you all for your congratulations and words of encouragment. It is awful what we have all been through to end up here but such a big support to be able to talk to others who understand exactly how hard it all is.

I have had counselling and it was an incredible help. I would recommended it to anyone. Me and DH both went separately and have both now been discharged. We were really lucky, where we live they have a pregnancy loss counselling service. My counsellor has said she will meet me for coffee if/when I fall again and find I need her support once more.

Bear you don't sound heartless at all. Your love for your little girl is obvious. Thank you for sharing your story.

Chat I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you big hugs. Unfortunately I don't think those scared feelings do ever fully go away but there will hopefully come a time when they are manageable and that you feel ready to try again. For me that was 9 months after our loss, for others it's almost straight away. Everyone is different.

So sorry guys, I keep forgetting there's two threads!

Welcome to the thread mrs j. Did you have a dd or ds? So sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the wedding!

Oh my god bear how traumatic for you. How awful. I'm in utter shock at reading your story. How awful that you and your DH had to go through that.

Cake, sending you love. How is your DH doing with the counselling?

Chat, welcome to the thread. It breaks my heart reading all the threads on here. It's just not fair that you lovely ladies all went through this as for TTC, I was exactly the same, I felt the need to be pg again ASAP. X

I found that reading rainbow stories after having dd helped, I will share my story just incase it helps anyone.

It may be a long one so feel free to skip it if you want to!

Me and my husband started TTC a couple of years back. I had v irregular periods and I was clueless so had no ideas about ov tracking etc. I remember hitting the 10 month mark and nothing happening so we kind of gave up. Around a year later I was at work, I had been being sick all week and just assumed I had a bug. I didn't take time off work as I was one of very few supervisors of a big centre so I felt I couldn't. I remember being sat at work, someone came over to check something with me, they handed me a customers papers and I chucked them in the air and ran to the toilets for about the 6th time that day. When I got back the person I was working with started laughing and said 'I bet your pregnant!' I was shocked and just replied 'no way', I thought if I could get pregnant it would of happened by now, but then it hit me, I didn't remember my last af. That night when we did the shopping I went and got a pg test, I took it and straight away two lines came up. I did another and it was the same.

I went and saw the midwife and as I didn't remember my last AF they sent me for a dating scan. I was 11 weeks pg

As my pregnancy progressed I kept saying to my midwife she didnt move much, she just brushed it off and said it was because I had an anterior placenta. The one appt I went in and spent ages telling her there was something wrong, I remember her checking the HB, I heard something but it seemed slower and higher up than usual, I told her it wasn't right, she said 'I'm the professional, I know what I'm talking about'. So I left.

My next appt there was someone covering for her. I told her there was something wrong, she told me well check the HB. There was silence for ages, then I heard the same as last time, I said 'that's it!' Feeling relieved, she replied 'no that's your HB' she sent me to the hospital where I went for a scan with my mom with me. They put the machine on and the woman just went 'I'm not even going to bother, there's no HB there'.

I then was told to come back in two days for an induction. The following night, I started getting stomach pains. I refused to beleive I was in labor. By 2 am it was unbearable and I was hurried into a car and taken to the hospital. I was in a state so they put me on morphine, I think it was more to try and calm me down. I remember lying there and hearing a baby being born next door.

At 5.08 am on 05.02.14 my beautiful baby girl was born at 32 weeks. I was able to hold her and dress her. I spent most of the day with her before she had to be taken away as she was deteriorating.

At my pm appt I was told there was no causes found and it was just 'bad luck' but they could confirm she was dead at the previous midwife appt.

We had her cremated and most of her ashes are buried with my Nan. I have some in a locket I always wear, some tattood into me and some with her picture on the fire place.

Due to the length of that post I will post about my rainbow pregnancy in a seperate post so it's not epically long!

After dd, I was desperate to get pg.

I fell pg the first month. I remember looking atthe test and seeing a second line, I broke down in tears. The strangest thing was, only I could see the line. No one else could. People thought I was going mad as I could see two lines. As the days passed the line got darker and darker. In all I did 37 pg tests

My care was good, I had a 6 week, 9 week, 12 week, 20 week and 26 week scan, then every other week along with consultant appts and weekly ctgs.

I found out at 16 weeks (private scan) we were havig a little boy, I have to admit I was sad. I wanted a girl. But now hes here I realise that it wasn't that I didn't want a boy, more that if I had a girl id feel as though I had dd back.

At 24 weeks I walked out of work without saying a word as I convinced myself he wasn't moving and had gone. I got to the hospital in an absoloute state and they took me to a room. My stomach dropped as they searched for a HB and couldn't find one. They then took me to the same scan room where they told me dd had died. He was ok, the little bugger had hid.

I was booked to be induced at 38 weeks. I was then put on daily ctgs due to anxiety. At 36 weeks I couldn't cope. I remember just sitting on the floor crying. I told everyone I couldn't do it anymore. They got me to the hospital where thy agreed to start induction there and then, or send me for a c sec. I agreed to wait until 37 weeks.

I went in for my induction which took 3 days. When I had ds, I couldn't see him move, they rushed him over to the resuscitation thing and were giving him oxygen. I was screaming as e wasn't moving. They then just took him and i didn't know where e was. He came back a while later, turns out he went to special care as he needed anti biotics. It was a very difficult journey. He's now 6 months and the love of my life.

Don't think I can waffle anymore.

Sorry about the long post, but things like that helped me when I was TTC. I just hope it helps someone else

X

Hi Chat - I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy and that you find yourself here. Did you spend some time with him? Do you feel comfortable telling us his name?

I lost my son at 37 weeks last year due to a placental abruption. Like you, I wanted to try again immediately - and did. I lost my son in December and conceived in February. It's hard going, I'll be honest. But I feel well-supported by my consultant and midwives. I'm also taking citalopram which I think help keeps the anxiety under control, and there's also the ladies on this and the grad thread. They help me feel like I'm sane.

A sad welcome to Bear, MrsJ and Trying.

Thank you for the welcome. Flambola I did get to spend time with him - I can't fault the hospital here: as soon as the doctors said he was gone he was brought straight to me, and apart from doing some hand and foot prints, he was with me the whole of the next 24 hours or so. We slept in bed together and had nonstop cuddles. He's called Sam.

That sounds like the kind of attention I'll need Ducky, I'm glad to hear it's possible, thank you for sharing.

ducky thank you for sharing your story, it really does help to hear others rainbow stories.
The care you received (extra scans, early induction) sounds similar to what the consultant told me she will offer next time around. It's just such a strange thing wanting to be pregnant but almost dreading it at the same time also!

I have no other children of my own but have just gained a 10 year old stepdaughter who is brilliant. My pregnancy with my angel Oliver was my first pregnancy. I fell the first time trying with him so was very lucky but it will be hard if now takes a while. I am also conscious of the fact that my DH has had previous baby losses and fertility issues (with his ex wife) in the past so he took our loss very hard and I think he is going to find ttc just a scary time as me.
All we can do is hope I guess! Roll on Saturday and the holiday

mrs so sorry you find yourself here after the loss of your precious Oliver. Congratulations on your wedding, i hope you have a lovely honeymoon. I lost my second son Ben in April 2014 at 34+1 due to a placental rupture (we didn't have a PM) and i'm currently 25+6 with my rainbow dd.

chat a heartfelt welcome to you too, so sorry you find yourself here, although i found this is the best rubbish place to be. The ladies here are so supportive and understanding. I'm glad to hear you got to spend lots of time with Sam, those memories are so precious.

Chat, sad but glad to see you here. I'm glad you got lots of time for cuddles, and the hand and footprints too. Beautiful name too. I didn't realise you'd had 2 MCs before either . Sadly a lot of stillbirths do go unexplained, so it's good to prepare yourself for that when the time comes for PM results. But even if they don't know the cause, you will get good care next time.

Mrs, congratulations on your wedding, and how exciting to have a step daughter!

Here's my story, hope it helps:
I had my little girl Grace last February, at 26w+5. I went into labour spontaneously, no previous issues in the pregnancy, and they don't know why. Grace was growing well when she was inside, but she was starved of oxygen at birth and I had to have an EMCS to save her. They managed to resuscitate her, but she was very weak after that and died after 12 days in the NICU.
I'm 23 weeks pregnant again with my rainbow, and have had good care so far, although I'm definitely going through an anxious patch at the moment (unsurprisingly). Bear, you might expect something similar, as your story sounds similar to mine only 6 weeks earlier. They took blood tests and swabs for infection (nothing found except strep B), I'm on progesterone twice a day until 34 weeks, and I have had cervix scans at 16,18,20 and 22 weeks (and they would have given me a stitch if it was short). From now on, only extra care I get is growth scans at 28, 33 and 38 weeks, but I suspect that is more for my nerves than anything else.
I also requested a pre-conception review with a consultant and managed to get an internal scan of my uterus/tubes/ovaries/cervix – which again all looked normal so didn't provide any answers, but it was good to know there was nothing obvious that had been missed.

I couldn't TTC straightaway, as we were advised to wait 9 months as I'd had a vertical c-section. I was not happy about that, and was planning on ignoring the advice and waiting just 3, then 4, then 6 months... but then around 5 months that burning urge to be pregnant had faded and we were able to wait just a few months longer. If I'd had no other reasons, we probably would have started immediately, as that desire was so strong. But I look back now and see that I really just wanted to be pregnant again with Grace, my little girl, as it felt so wrong to have no bump and no baby.
Waiting was tough, but in a way it was nice to have a break before TTC again. I found TTC so much more stressful this time, and 1st trimester was worse as well despite having no history of MC. So we did have 9 months to recover with no pressure on ourselves, we had a great holiday, I tried out running to get back into shape, and I had 6 months back at work (in a new role) before the evils of morning sickness began. So I look back and I'm glad we had that time. But I am pretty sure we'd have just got on with it if we'd had the choice.

Ok, can I officially join now please :)

Angel Rose
Tfmr in jan, diagnosed with Edwards syndrome.
Born at 22 weeks and 2 days.

Other children: 1 dd 2.9yo.

My due date has just been and gone. I'm having specialist counselling. I'm in as good a place as any to start ttc.

I'm terrified, utterly terrified. To the point where I actually don't want to think too much about it all.

Rose's Edwards was pure chance, it's unlikely to happen again (although I now have a higher baseline risk for trisomies) I just feel like I now know all those awful things that can go wrong.

Yet I desperately want another baby.

Hi Kitty
Of course you can officially join - a sad welcome but glad that you feel strong enough to TTC. I hope Rose's due date wasn't too hard for you, it's such a strange 'milestone' to go through, isn't it.

It's funny isn't it, how we know in our minds that what we go through is 'unlucky' and chance and unlikely to happen again, but knowing it in your mind is very different from believing it in your heart. There's no way around it, and trying not to think about it is just as difficult.
Sounds like you are getting some good support in RL though. Time to ditch those contraceptives and join the rollercoaster ride! (or is that a bad phrase after that Alton Towers news story ).

Welcome kitty. I hope Rose's due date wasn't too hard for you, I found Ben's due date quite strange if i'm honest. I'm glad you feel strong enough TTC and it's understandable to be terrified, as town said it's one thing to know that it's unlikely to happen again, but actually believeing that is a different matter entirely.

Thanks. My due date was strange. The build up was much worse than the day(s. I had 2) themselves.

I'm currently suffering really painful periods. I've not had a problem until I had my tfmr.

Atm I have mixed feelings of really wanting to be pregnant and being terrified of all the medical interventions that I know I'll opt for. There's a tiny bit of me that has a nagging feeling that maybe I should just leave it at my live dd and Rose. That maybe I'm pushing my luck wanting and trying for another.

I'm guessing these are fairly normal feelings?

Kitty, I guess by medical interventions you mean Amniocentesis or CVS? Have you heard of the Harmony test? It is a non-invasive test for chromosome defects (mainly Downs, Edwards and Patua), just a simple blood test from mum that can be done at 10 weeks - no risk of miscarriage. It gives you as good as a yes-no answer. But because it's new technology, it's only available privately (costs about £400).
Sorry if that's not what you meant... but if you've not heard of it already then it would definitely be worth googling.
Hope the painful period stops soon.