Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

Sorry some of you are having a tough time. I used an ovulation app and then we DTD every other day. It took a lot longer second time, or perhaps we were lucky first time round. I used opk's for a couple of months to check but found them tricky.

I found it harder this time as I was so desperate to be pregnant that each month waiting was awful, good luck to all of you.

Cake sorry your DH is still struggling you obviously care a lot and I'm sure it's your support that will get him through in the end.

Thanks everyone for the welcome. I was just 22 weeks when I went into premature labour. It was totally out of the blue. No problems or complications. No reason from the docs. The post mortem and all tests show no reason why it happened. They don't even think the fact it was twins caused it. Not sure if such vagueness is helpful but nothing I can do about it. Just trying to get by. I've had some counselling sessions which really helped and now we feel ready to try again. We've both been up and down at different times but we seem to be on the same page now. Just as we got pregnant last time my father in law passed away so it's been a difficult 9 months. The twins were our first. And we got pregnant pretty much straight away without really thinking about it. Typical this time round it's not so easy. I've started using the ovulation tests but clearly it didn't work. I'm trying not to get too obsessed in case the stress of it makes things more difficult. I hope I get a bfp before august otherwise it will be the same as the twins and that would be way too stressful. I'm already panicking at being pregnant and things going wrong again. Because there's no justification for losing my precious babies there's nothing I can really do differently to try and stop it from happening again. Hope we all have a good weekend!

Trying I think a lot of us had a similar answer, that they don't really know why. I used to get so angry about that, how can there be no reason? My midwife said to me to try and see it as a positive, there's no reason it should happen in a future pregnancy and it isn't something wrong with my body. Not sure it helps though.

Glad the counselling has been of some help and you're both in the same place, just keep talking to each other.

I was also the same as you in that both times I fell pregnant in the first month. We had been trying since December this time round, it's so frustrating isn't it.

I'm very shocked as it turns out I got my bfp, I was so sure af was coming. Hoping everyone else gets theirs soon and the journey isn't too stressful.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.

Trying, my story has some similarities to yours - I just went into labour at 26 weeks, out of the blue, after a completely normal pregnancy up to that point, and I was low on all of the risk factors. They also found no reason why. I remember feeling like I wanted to strangle my consultant when she said 'you were just unlucky'. Aaaargh!!
It's so tough not getting obsessed with TTC, isn't it. I also caught 1st time with 'G', and then it took a few months this time round. It'll happen. And the lovely ladies on this thread are a massive help, someone to rant to!

Believe it or not, I was more worried in 1st T than I am now (I'm 19 weeks), although the anxiety does come and go. And there ARE things that you/your care team will do differently next time - that is really what is keeping me sane - even though they didn't find the cause last time. They will keep a very close eye on you.

Ellie did I read correctly? Should I whisper some gentle congratulatory words your way?

Littletulip I hope everything is well with you, I really do. I missed many days on here and was hoping to read an update. I am thinking of you xx

Save really good to hear from you, although your week sounds pretty horrific. You marked dd's birthday in such a touching way, it really made me well up. Your living daughter so deserves another sibling. You've really been dealt such a shit hand lately. I hope the wheel of luck turns for you really soon.

Trying - a sad but very warm welcome to you. So sorry to read about your beautiful twins. Did you name them at all? Do tell us - we all talk about our children very freely here and I find it so incredibly liberating.

cake it is so nice to 'hear' from you. I am so sorry your dh is struggling so much and that this is postponing ttc (weirdly, a blessing in disguise in some way as we all know how miserable it is!). You sound like such an incredibly loving and supportive wife. I really hope that you all get some respite soon - you sure deserve it! I am sorry that you didn't feel too much at home on this thread anymore because of all the pregnancy chat. Totally understandable, from absolutely everyone who feels this way. It does really feel sometimes like the whole bloody entire world is just getting pregnant by looking at one sperm and delivers healthy babies like other people sneeze! -bitter? me??-

Anyway - it's so comforting an reassuring to come on here and follow everyone's journey. I am here and listening and reading, posting when appropriate. AFM - I am approaching the time of pregnancy at which we decide to terminate last Summer and so far, I have not been able to feel anything but fear and guilt about this pregnancy. I can think ahead about practical details like maternity leave, childcare needs and perhaps selling our old pram to get a nicer one, but the thought that this is because an actual baby might come along baffles and bewilders me.

Sending love to you all.

Sorry: for the newbies, our baby was sadly diagnosed with open SP and very poor life prognosis, so this was a termination for medical reasons of a much wanted, much loved and much missed baby. I just re-read my message and it sounded absolutely heartless, so just wanted to make sure it wasn't misunderstood.

'You were just unlucky' - also had this said to me.. But it's true, we were (still shitty to hear!)..I had no risk factors for placenta abruption, ticked none of the boxes whatsoever, but we still became part of a 0.2% statistic. My placenta helped to grow a lovely Baby for 9 long months and then took her away at the end.. Argh!

TTC seemed a lot more intense for us after our loss - there was just so much riding on it, yet could we be arsed to DTD around ov time? Nope.. We had the most miserable baby making sex EVER ha..
On the night I ovulated me & DH had an alrighty row because I accidentally slapped his penis!! But not in a fun way if penis slapping can ever be fun ha ..

So for those of you TTC, or waiting to try, I'll be following your journey & we'll all be cheering you on because we know how shit it can be..

Just wanted to say a hello and like critter give a cheer to save, trying and cake (really great to hear from you!)

I frequented this thread for so long and it was a lifeline to me. I know how difficult it is to TTC after losing my precious angel and well just wanted to say you are not alone

Thank you all so much for your lovely words, you're such a wonderful bunch and I'm so sorry for hiding away sometimes, but not being able to ttc is breaking my heart. It's like not only have I lost W, that Dh is also slipping away from me - he is so very low and I don't seem to be able to help him, in fact sometimes I feel I make things worse as he knows I want to ttc and he feels the pressue of that. I've told him we can just park that decision for the time being but it doesn't seem we can talk at all at the moment without arguing. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I have no idea if we will ever come out the other side of this some days. I think we are further away from ever now from trying for our rainbow and I just don't know how to come to terms with this.

ellie I'm so glad you got your bfp, congratulations and I know the ladies in the grads thread will look after you through what must be a very frightening time. Wishing you a very boring and straightforward 9 months.

madem getting to that milestone must be very hard, you're super brave and I know you will get through it - it's such a shame that these pregnancies after losses are hard to enjoy but the joy will come once your baby is here xxx

trying another 'no reason' here - as others have said its so hard to hear but also does mean there is no reason why you can't have your rainbow so hopefully that thought will gradually become a comfort.

winter thanks for making me laugh out loud for the first time in a while - penis slapping is set to become an mn classic surely?! Xxx

A huge hug to you all xxx

I'm away with work this week but dh agreed we'd ttc as much as possible when I'm back. It takes the fun out of it with the pressure of trying. Hopefully we can make it enjoyable. With or without penis slapping....thank you so much for cheating me up. Today has been a long slog in the office. Not helped with everyone talking about their babies and hearing about a colleague who had a healthy baby 2 days after I delivered my lovely Katie and dylan. Not fair Xx

cake I'm so sorry you and your dh are going through this. Just remember though, you've got this far already. I remember not long after Anneliese died how my dh and I seemed worlds apart, it was such a lonely experience. I dealt with it by keeping busy and he dealt with it by drinking and getting upset, I honestly thought we might split. I know that's not much help but wanted you to know I've felt the same. I suppose all you can do is be there and listen, but please make sure you look after your self too

trying Katie and Dylan, what lovely names. I know what you mean about it taking the fun out of it. In the end we were dtd every other day and it felt like a chore. Every now and then we'd try and have a romantic meal and just see how we felt so it didn't always feel like a means to an end.

at the penis slapping, can only imagine how bizarre that argument would have sounded!

... quietly lurking and giggling at the thought of penis slapping ....

Oh cake , it must be so, so hard. How do you manage to take care of yourself? I would be so cross with dh, unfairly so, but I think I just wouldn't be able to help it. I'm in awe of you, I really am.

Well the was meant to be just so you don't think I'm awarding you a gold star for your penis slapping efforts

Me and dh also had a very bad patch and discussed separation. The stress of losing our babies, plus his dad as well as wanting to ttc along with work and financial pressures just got too much. Thankfully just at that time I got an appointment with a bereavement councillor. I'd been on the list for 3 months! At the same time dh researched different coping mechanisms and he found a way to deal with things. He never said exactly what they are but I think because we both actively took responsibility we made it through. We still have our ups and downs but try to communicate calmly without blame. Sometimes easier said than done. We also did an online quiz about the languages of love. It sounds corny but we were kind of desperate and it helped us think about what we expect from each other and how to show appreciation etc. hope you get through it cake. X

We didn't speak to each other for a solid hour after the penis slapping incident ha!

ellie hahaha!!

cake pleased I made you laugh, if only for a moment :)
I can't remember your full story (will have a flick back through), but me & DH were on the verge of divorce in the months after DD dying. He was suffering with depression which he'd had since before DD which he wasn't on medication for, then DD died, and we spiralled away from each other - at a time when we should have been each other's support. He just went inside himself, bottled up all of his emotions (both about DD & our marriage issues) which I resented him for. I resented him the most for not supporting me. It was such a lonely time - but that sentence doesn't even do it justice really; It was a desperately dark period for both of us.. Him battling his 'demons' if you will alongside his grief, & me trying to save myself/defend my mental state, by planning a future without him in it. We were poles apart.

One day things came to a head. The loneliness was crippling me.. I told him he had to speak to me/engage with me/ sit in the same room as me of an evening, or I would be moving back in with my parents & building a new life without him.
My HV had warned me against making any big decisions immediately after DD, but she wasn't the one living with a shell of a person who wouldn't/couldn't even console me on the odd occasion I let the grief hit me & cried it out.
We hashed it out, aired our grievances, he sought medical help for his depression, we committed to each other & began to look forward. It took him 6months to come around to TTC again - it felt like a lifetime because, even though our marriage was crumbling I still wanted a baby/sibling for DS that I had been robbed of with DD.

Sorry about the essay! I don't know if any of my story relates to your situation but waiting to TTC after a death is bloody hard going so I send you lots of moral support & best wishes for the future

Oh my, I must admit I forgot there's a conception thread too. I just came back and all I've read so far (just skimmed on my phone) was 'we didn't speak to each other for a whole hour after the penis slapping' or something similar. I spat out my tea!!! That's made me chuckle!!

Am going to read through the thread properly now to see if I can get to the bottom of the penis slap

But just wanted to say welcome to trying. What lovely names your twins had, I am going to read through your post properly in a min, my first child, a little girl, was stillborn at 32 weeks in feb 2014, no reasons given, was also told that it was 'just really bad luck'. I got pregnant quickly after with my rainbow who was born dec 2014 after an extremely anxious last few weeks of pg.

Cake, sounds like you are having a difficult time at the mo. I have been thinking about you. I really don't know what to say x

I'm off to try and catch up on what I have missed!

The pressure of ttc seems to be getting the better of me and dh. Things are not always going to plan in the bedroom. Not helped when I get the giggles. But the opk was positive yesterday so we really need to get in the mood. I'll be so gutted if we miss this month because the stress of dtd gets to us. Hope everyone is having a good day. Xx

A wave to everyone and a big thanks for your kind words and especially for sharing the struggles with your dh's. It's reassuring to hear it's not on,y my dh who struggled with the idea of ttc again. We are getting lots of support in rl and the counselling we are having is working well for dh. He's always been such a positive person and to see him so low has been so sad. But he is aware of it and really wants things to be better so that in itself is a positive. We have had some incredibly bad times but had a really good talk the other night without ending up shouting and it was good. He hasn't ruled out ttc again but he's just not there yet. As hard as it is, I know he really can't help it and I need him to be wholeheartedly ready as I know how much I'll need his support should we decide to try. So let's hope one day I'll be back on this thread as an official ttc-er. Maybe.

winter it sounds like you and your dh went through a very hard time indeed and I'm full of admiration for your both for coming out the other side x

trying I'm sorry to hear things are stressful for you in the dtd department. I think it can be such a stressful time for couples and it's amazing how many people I know who actually got pg the month they though 'f*ck this' to the opks etc! Easier said than done I know, but do be kind to yourselves, it's such early days and you're still dealing with such raw feelings too. Keep talking. And dtd when you want to as well as when you 'need' to if that makes sense.

How's everyone else doing? Sorry not to name check everyone but I hope everyone is ok.

And huge waves/hugs to the grads that have come back to visit, it's great to hear from you and so lovely you're still there supporting others in their ttc quests.

Xxx

Hi all, I've been lurking this thread and have read back from the beginning. I've found your stories both comforting and heartbreaking, it's so dreadful there has been such loss.

Not sure if I really fit the criteria to post here but we lost our daughter at 20 weeks last month. The trying again after a miscarriage threads don't seem so appropriate either, I guess I'm somewhere in no mans land?

Things are of course still raw, but our desire to try again feels so strong its almost primal at present and bigger then logic. I like to think that we are grieving and emotionally processing the situation and not using ttc as a escape route but either way I guess I feel like I need to try.

I've never posted before, let alone about such an emotive topic - but this thread seemed so lovely and supportive. I hope this post doesn't come across wrong or insincere.

Hello Bearberry, you are very welcome here (there have been others on this thread who joined after a second trimester loss, but most of them have graduated to the antenatal thread). Like you, I had hardly ever posted on Mumsnet before losing my baby (and I'm still a bit rubbish at posting on this thread very frequently). We are all happy to listen to you talk about your daughter, if you would like to. Were you able to see her and spend time with her?

Hi bearberry welcome to the thread. So sorry for the recent loss of your daughter, you're welcome to share as much as you like about your little one. I hope you have plenty of support in rl. The grief will still be raw for you, I remember the mixture of feelings well. It never goes away but it does get easier with time.

As for ttc, I would say do what is right for you, but make sure your body has recovered and it is for the right reasons. Easier said thsn done I know. I never posted on mumsnet before this either, funny what grief does. I'm so glad I did though as the ladies have been fantastic support.

Waves to everyone x

Hi bear, so sorry for the loss of your dd. Do you have any other dc? It's still very raw for you. Any ideas of what happened? X

Hi bear welcome although it's bittersweet as none of us really want to be on this kind of thread but hopefully you can get some comfort from our support. I too felt a strong desire to ttc straight away but I was recovering from severe anemia/blood loss so we've had to wait. But I'm 36 now and on top of everything else, worried I'm past it!! Writing this reminded me of a bad incident actually. I had to go back to the maternity hospital for a scan because I wasn't healing properly. That was all bad enough but when the sonographer asked how many weeks pregnant I was I broke down. Oh wow. Bad memories! I'm not looking forward to going back there. On the other hand I want to be there with a healthy baby! Sometimes i don't know if I'm a stronger or weaker person from everything that has happened. Hope it's ok I shared that story. I can ramble on sometimes but it's like therapy. Hugs and positive to thoughts to everyone. Hope you all have a good BH weekend x

Trying feel free to vent! Everyone understands on here.

How awful about having to go back and hear that I had to go back a few days after having dd, I was by the bereavement suite, with the bereavement nurse and had to have bloods taken, no one could get blood from me so they called someone up (they asked him to come to the bereavement suite) he came in, and after struggling for 45 painful minutes to get a vein said loudly 'usually when your pregnant your veins are easy to find, your baby isn't doing you any favours!' he said it jokingly but even the bereavement midwife was stood there in shock.