Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

[KittyandTeal]

Can I join please?

Me: kitty
Angel: Rose. Diagnosed with Edwards syndrome at 21 weeks. Decided not to continue with the pregnancy, kings stopped her heart at 22 weeks. Born at 22+2 on 22/01/15.

Other DC: one dd 2.5yo. She's been our god send!

Rainbow: obviously very early days. I know I want another and my body desperately wants to be pregnant but it's far too soon and wouldn't be fair on any if us. Consultants appointment then generic counselling in about 6 weeks. We think we'll wait until after roses due date at the end of May before thinking about number 3.

It's a rough journey. I feel for you all x

[Ducky23]

Welcome kitty, what a heartbreaking decision you had to make. You are so brave. X

[WinterBabyof89]

kitty it's so soon for you.. Sending you & your family my love and thoughts.
Xxx

[LakeOfDreams]

Welcome kitty and April such early days for both of you.

[EllieandAnna]

Just a quick one to say welcome April. I'm so sorry for the loss of your ds. I think deciding to ttc will always be scary but the ladies here are great support.

Cake have been thinking of you today. I hope today went ok and you got some answers.

Off to the gym again now, will check back in later and read back properly.

[kayleighferrie1985]

A sad, yet warm welcome to both April and kitty. I've found this thread to be the best "crap" place to be, and i wish i'd found the thread earlier.

cake how did your appointment go today?

[townsender]

Kitty and April, welcome to you both. Such early days for you both, take care of yourself and feel free to rant, share and ask as many questions as you like/need to in order to stay sane.

Cake, thinking about you today. Hope it all went ok. Remember you don't need to make any decisions on TTC instantly, don't put pressure on yourself and DH.

Ducky is DS home now?

[Ducky23]

He is thanks town he's feeling loads better. We were discharged Saturday evening, back in Saturday night and then back out Sunday.

[vicky123uk]

Hi all,
Really sorry to see newbies here, hi to both kitty and April, life is utter rubbish at times. You will feel differently every day so don't Rush yourselves.

I went and completed my return to work letter today, go back towards end of February ?? it's both a positive and negative thing. Ultimately I'm feeling ready for it though. It's needed I think as in 2ww now and I'm slightly concerned it's going to consume me... Ridiculous I know but just can't help it, keep finding myself having thoughts about possible future scenarios... How silly seeing as we are all here as our futures didn't work out as we had thought they would in a 'normal' fashion!

Hope everyone is doing as well as you can be, don't want to say ok as that is such a none word I think.

Hugs to all x

[tahunny]

Great news about your little boy being discharged ducky. Hope things settle down now so you can enjoy him without all the worry hospitals bring.

Welcome kitty and april. Sorry you found yourselves here

Cake hope your appointment went as well as it could and gives you some answers

[Cakebaker35]

A very sad but warm welcome to kitty and april, I'm so very sorry for your losses and they are both so recent, I hope you're getting lots of love and support in rl and you will get lots here from all the wonderful ladies on this thread.

ducky fantastic that you're home and ds is doing well xx

Thank you for thinking of me yesterday, the appointment went well but it was hard too. The consultant we saw was the same lady who delivered W so it was good that she had that in depth knowledge from actually being there but I did have a wobble when I saw her as the last time I'd seen her was in theatre. Strange to think she had rummaged around in my insides . Anyway, she was really lovely, very well prepared and went through a huge amount of detail with us. Her view is there was an issue right from the start of where my placenta impacted to the wall of my uterus - basically it was a bit too low, not officially low lying, but in a place that meant it was vulnerable. She doesn't think I had an abruption and that the reason I went into labour remains unknown as lots of the usual things have been ruled out, but drawing on her experience she thinks my body 'knew' the placenta would fail and it was time to get baby out. Unfortunately it was in the way and poor W was so bruised due to my massive, fast contractions and he had nowhere to go except getting squished. So he was on the back foot even before he was delivered. I bled a lot more than I'd realised hence why I was whisked in for the emcs. So it's still a lot of maybes but I appreciated her trying to use her knowledge to give us a more detailed answer than we'd had before. She advised that we could ttc again as soon as we are ready, she was happy providing there would be 1 year between births which there would be now. I was surprised she said we could ttc straight away but that does factor in my age. I am not suitable for a vbac so it would be another section but I'm fine with that and I would be put under the care of the specialist obstetrician who works with mothers of pre term babies. There is nothing that can be done about where a placenta ends up, but they can do a lot more monitoring and use pessaries etc to try to stop early labour. She feels as I've had one child at full term then it's not a recurring issue just pot luck. My poor dh had a big wobble, it was really hard to re live those details, and hard for him to hear how much I bled as his fear has always been losing me. He is still not convinced about ttc, I think we probably aren't emotionally ready yet but in my heart I really do want to try again. I'm not sure how we will resolve this and feel very much like the clock is ticking.

I'm so sorry this is such a massive update but want to share the info in case it's useful to any of you and anyone is welcome to pm me if you want to ask anything else. I fell hugely lucky to be looked after at a hospital which is a centre of excellence for difficult / pre term births and I realise not everyone is this fortunate.

Big hugs x

[Ducky23]

Cake, glad the appt went well for you. In regards to the placenta, is that something that should have been picked up on your scans? Or is it something they wouldn't have been able to tell? Sorry for asking but if I were to ever have another these things worry me

Ds is almost back to his usual happy self he still has a cough but apparently that can last for weeks. He has been brought a few 'get well' presents from my family so we are waiting for them to turn up. He is spoiled!

A week today until dd's birthday

[Cakebaker35]

Hi ducky, no it's fine to ask. I had loads of scans due to the bleeding I had early on and no it wasn't officially low lying. We looked over all the images. It was basically down the side a bit, not officially low and usually this is no cause for concern so there was nothing to indicate what was to come really. Consultant feels it was more the connection to the uterus that may have been an issue, again nothing that could've been spotted as everything looked fine and W was growing fine.

X

[kayleighferrie1985]

ducky glad to hear ds is back home and almost back to his normal self .

cake i'm glad your appointment went well and that you got some answers you hadn't been able to get earlier, and that you now have an idea of how a rainbow pregnancy would be looked after.

AFM the midwife rang me today to ask for another wee sample as the one i gave her at my booking in appointment had bacteria, so now i'm worrying something's wrong, as midwife couldn't tell me if it was something to worry about or not

[townsender]

Cake thanks for sharing your story, I love detail so don't feel bad about posting lots. I was interested to see what you were told as I know there are some similarities in what we'd been through (spontaneous labour, similar gestation, badly bruised babies). Sounds like you have a lovely consultant. I was not told anything about my placenta (other than it came out really easily during the c-section) so I will remember to ask about its position for this pregnancy (assuming I get that far).
A couple of months to recover emotionally really won't make much difference in the long run, I'm sure.

ducky thats great news
Think your DDs birthday is just a few days before mine. Its so strange to think you have your rainbow in your arms while mine is just a sesame seed. I'm glad I've at least managed to get pg before DDs birthday. I remember when she died I thought forward a year and how unbearable the thought was that I might not even be pregnant (actually, I thought that about Christmas but in the end it was fine).
Are you planning anything special for DD birthday?

kayleigh at the worst they'll give you some antibiotics and the bacteria will go away. fx its nothing though. But if it is, much better that they find it this early and treat it.

[townsender]

Vicky, sounds like you're definitely ready to go back, if you need some distraction during the tww.

[LakeOfDreams]

Vicky I went back to work very early but I love my job and the people I work with. I've found it really good to keep busy especially with TTC. Although I think when you are TTC the 2ww is hard no matter how busy you are.

[Ducky23]

Town I think I will just order some nice flowers and take them to her grave. Will take ds with us, he's been there before to see her

Problem is her grave is under a big tree so it gets mucky easy at this time of year

[April1984]

Thanks all for the warm welcome and Kitty, very sad to hear your story too. I'm feeling pretty down today, my period just started (2nd since I lost my son). I was secretly hoping we'd have got pregnant this month though I know it is still very early days. We have just about made a decision about what preventative steps we will take next time around and so I am keen to get pregnant very soon. We moved abroad a week before I had my son prematurely and everything was planned around me being pregnant/having a baby so now I am feeling quite lost. I feel consumed by the need to have another baby even though I know it will in no way replace my son. I'm so worried that it will take us months and months to get pregnant and I don't know if I can cope with that. x

[townsender]

April it is so normal to feel how you do about being pg again, and sorry to hear AFs arrived for you today. I think almost all of us here can remember that burning desire to be pg again. I had 'G' at 26w and spent 12 days in the NICU, and all I wanted was to be pg again. That burning desire faded after 5 months or so, but that was without the stress of TTC again (I had to wait 9 months for medical reasons). It sounds like you have a good idea of how to prevent premature birth next time, which is fantastic news. Don't be too hard on yourself, your body is still recovering. Its natural to worry (until last week I was doing exactly the same).
Did you give up your job when you moved abroad? And do you have any friends there, or is a completely new city/home for you?

Ducky, sounds lovely. Pack the wellies! Fx it'll be dry for you.

AFM, I'm 6+1 today, and still no real symptoms. I wish I'd written down key milestones from my last pregnancy, so I'd have an idea what's normal for me. I assumed that next time I'd be pg I would have a toddler to look after to distract me and stop me from stressing... little did I know. I've started my diary for this time now (not that there's a lot to say yet!).
The hospital should have got my referral letter last Tuesday, but I haven't got a letter or call from them yet. I am not surprised!! So, I will call them on Monday and politely check they got my letter and see if I am in the system yet. I'm meant to be consultant led this time round, so I was really hoping they might be proactive with calling me in. But as I'm not an early pregnancy problem, I guess there's time. Life is all about being patient sometimes, isn't it.

[Ducky23]

Having a hard time.

I keep havig flashbacks today this time last year I picked up my pram and was unpacking it where my ds is sat in his bouncer it was probably one of the first times I got excited about being pregnant. A year ago tomorrow at 10.30 I was told my baby no longer had a heartbeat and a year go on Thursday was the first and last time I held her

[April1984]

Ducky23, I'm so sorry you are having a bad day.

The 'anniversary' days or any day you can remember what you were doing before are definitely the hardest and I know there's absolutely nothing I can say to make you feel better.

I am sat hear in floods of tears myself. I don't even have a particular reason why, I just burst into tears because a thought of my son popped into my head from nowhere.

The rest of the week is bound to be very hard for you too. If you can do something nice together, maybe a meal out or something after you go to her grave (I think you said you planned to do that on her birthday) that could be a way of coping a little with that day.

Thinking of you x

[April1984]

townsender - I was also 12 days in the NICU with my son.

I'm not totally convinced on the prevention of premature pregnancy next time but we have an option at least. I am actually on maternity leave from my job in the UK still. We moved abroad, for a year, with the plan being that I would have the baby here and take the year off from work as maternity leave ( I took it a little early). So obviously our plans are completely on their head and I feel totally in limbo. I am busy at the mo with moving and furnishing the flat but come the end of Feb I will have little to do. Having been so busy at work to stopping is hard enough anyway but I expected to be heavily pregnant now and then preoccupied with a baby from March. All of that is now feeling like it is so far away. I really want to get pregnant again to get 'back on track' but I know that could take a while which is scary.

It is a completely new country for us both. However, we do have some good friends here who have been great. It's hard though as I am generally meeting new people (their friends) and I don't feel my usual bubbly self. I never know whether to explain what has happened or just pretend it hasn't. I also don't know how to deal with people in the UK who I haven't told yet. They will be expecting me to have a baby soon. In some ways being able to hide away abroad is quite nice as I don't' have to face people. It does also give me the option of not being at work too.

Pleased to hear that you will be consultant led this time around, it's nice to have that reassurance. As I am abroad it is all private insurance and it's nice to have doctor led care, especially when things have gone wrong in the past.
x

[April1984]

townsender - I was also 12 days in the NICU with my son.

I'm not totally convinced on the prevention of premature pregnancy next time but we have an option at least. I am actually on maternity leave from my job in the UK still. We moved abroad, for a year, with the plan being that I would have the baby here and take the year off from work as maternity leave ( I took it a little early). So obviously our plans are completely on their head and I feel totally in limbo. I am busy at the mo with moving and furnishing the flat but come the end of Feb I will have little to do. Having been so busy at work to stopping is hard enough anyway but I expected to be heavily pregnant now and then preoccupied with a baby from March. All of that is now feeling like it is so far away. I really want to get pregnant again to get 'back on track' but I know that could take a while which is scary.

It is a completely new country for us both. However, we do have some good friends here who have been great. It's hard though as I am generally meeting new people (their friends) and I don't feel my usual bubbly self. I never know whether to explain what has happened or just pretend it hasn't. I also don't know how to deal with people in the UK who I haven't told yet. They will be expecting me to have a baby soon. In some ways being able to hide away abroad is quite nice as I don't' have to face people. It does also give me the option of not being at work too.

Pleased to hear that you will be consultant led this time around, it's nice to have that reassurance. As I am abroad it is all private insurance and it's nice to have doctor led care, especially when things have gone wrong in the past.
x

[LakeOfDreams]

Well I think I might be pregnant. AF is now 4 days late although only got a really faint line on a supermarket cheapie this morning. Haven't told DH as I think he'd be so sad if I was just imagining that line. Going to buy an expensive digital and test again on Thursday. I have everyone of my fingers and toes crossed for this to work out for us!!