Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows (thread2)

[townsender]

Time for a new thread, a sad welcome to any newcomers.

Introducing myself:
Name: Town?
Age: 34
Angel: DD 'G' born Feb14 at 27w by EMCS, lived 12 days (oxygen starvation at birth due to cord prolapse)?
Other DC: none?
TTC/Rainbow: TTC since Nov14, currently incubating a pea

[KittyandTeal]

Hi town. Yes we had a 'debrief' with our fetal medicine consultant after Rose was born and have a plan. 8 week dating scan, 10 week scan and harmony at the fmc, 12 week scan at hospital and fmc, possibly a 16 week scan if we want it then normal anomaly and any additional scans after that.

They have been brilliant and said we an basically have what we want if it will help our anxiety. We decided early on to have the harmony, we saw the fmc team at kings on the NHS, they were the ones who did my amnio and the termination so I definitely want to go back to them.

It's strange because I know I will feel kore anxious not having all that stuff but the thought of scans terrifies me, that's when it all went wrong for us.

[ChatEnOeuf]

Hi Kitty, sorry to see you here, but glad you are feeling strong enough to start TTC. Hope the painful periods calm down soon. I think those feelings you describe are completely normal, I feel the same in many ways. I know I'm not going to cope (emotionally) well with pregnancy next time around yet it's what I really, really want. We can't do anything just yet, I'm still waiting for tests that have to be done in a month's time so I'm playing the waiting game still. I'll cheer you on from the sidelines though.

I'm still waiting for Sam's due date, not sure how - if at all - we will mark it.

[kayleighferrie1985]

kitty i hope the painful periods calm down soon for you. I had exactly the same feelings as you about whether i should leave it at the 2 living dc's i have, but in the end myself and dh talked and decided we both wanted to ttc again.

chat I had to wait a few weeks for blood tests to be taken and for the results to come back before we could try again too. On Ben's due date we went and laid flowers at his grave (we'd decided against a post mortem so were able to bury him 4 weeks after his birth). I think it's a very personal decision on how you mark it if you choose to.

[KittyandTeal]

Thanks all. I'm just allowing my feelings to be whatever they are atm and trying to take a more 'observers' point of view.

Tmrw will be the start of properly ttc. My period has been painful but very short so that's a relief.

Chat we were away on holiday over my due date. I left it open to myself about doing anything but didn't plan anything. (We had 2 dates, our original then the one from the 12 week scan. Once they realised there were issues they revised my due date back to the original. The 12 week scan put her 2 days behind which we now know wasn't inaccurate mensural dates but iugr instead.)

As it was the day's came and went and I didn't feel the need to do anything or mark them in any way. We collected a few stones and shells for Roses memory box while away but that was it really.

Whatever you choose to do it will be right for you.

[Cakebaker35]

Just popping on to give a sad but warm welcome to chat and kitty. I'm so sorry for your losses and you're in absolutely the right place for lots of hand holding through the stresses of ttc. I'll be here to listen and give you a little cheer for being brave, I think ttc and pg after loss is one of the most challenging times ever and there's nothing quite like being able to come here and share/rant away. As for when to ttc again, it's hugely personal and does depend in part on whether your birth experience means your body needs extra time to heal, but our counsellor said it's simply a case of when the hope outweighs the fear. I think that's the only way to think of it and that will be different for everyone.

Afm, I won't repeat my story again but I'm not officially ttc at the moment as sadly by Dh is going through a very rough time and struggling with ptsd. ducky thanks for asking how we are doing, I think of you lots and hope you and duckling and well and happy the counselling is helping ALOT and dh is having more positive thoughts, he's not saying no way to ttc again, but just not yet. It's super hard when you just desperately want to get started but I see how much he's struggling and I just need and want him to be in the right place in his own mind. We are talking lots, sometimes it's very hard indeed, but just trying to be as patient as I can - although often feel I'm going slowly mad. It was my 39th birthday yesterday, so time isn't on our side.

Can I ask - how do you deal with questions about 'do you have any other children' or for some of you 'is this your first'? I find it hard to know what to say, especially in front of dd - I don't want to deny W ever existed but almost feel I'm missing a 'standard' answer that explains but without huge detail, if that makes sense.

Love to all x

[LolaStarr]

Hi guys, hoping to join in if you don't mind! I lost my beautiful little boy Jake at 21 weeks a couple of months ago. It was a twin pregnancy to start with, and I lost the first baby at 10 weeks. The sac didn't reabsorb and just stayed there, causing constant bleeding. I ended up really poorly and needed a blood transfusion. Eventually the bleeding caused a huge clot to form behind the placenta, which detached, and sadly he didn't make it. We've now decided we're ready to ttc again. Excited but terrified at the same time! I already have a healthy 20 month old, Nathan, who's my little superstar and has helped me so much through the last few weeks

[ChatEnOeuf]

Thanks Cake I hope your DH continues to improve.

It is still very early days for us, but I'm determined not to deny Sam's existence either. I have always been open about our miscarriages and I want to be able to be the same about this. I think I'll say something like 'we also had a son but he was stillborn in 2015' but we will see...it's hard saying the words right now.

Welcome, Lola. I'm so sorry to hear about your twins. We think Sam was a twin too, his womb-mate died at 5 weeks. I have to wait for another 6w or so before getting back to ttc but I'm here for hand-holding and chat

[Iwonderif]

Hi. My son would have been 9 in a few weeks time. He was born at full term but died after 22 minutes. DH & I went on to have a daughter 13 months later and then another son in 2010 who shares a birthday with my first baby! (Went into labour @36 + 2) all ok though. Thinking of ttc for #4 at some point. Just wanted to say hi to you all & for those who are TTC or pregnant I wish you all the very very best. Be gentle on yourselves. Love to all our dearly missed children too. Xxxx

[Ducky23]

My phone has stopped letting me know when there are updates! (On both threads!)

A sad but warm welcome to kitty. I have heard a lot about Edwards syndrome recently but still don't know much about it. Sorry for the loss of your lovely baby. How has your dd handled it? How has the counselling been going? I do think that we build up dates like due dates etc, then when they come it's a strange feeling. So hard to explain but I'm sure everyone knows what I mean! I also had bad periods following dd (and ds), I assume it's just normal after childbirth x

Chat, me and ds took some flowers to dd to mark the day. Nothing special but I like to take him up there with me to visit his sister x

Cake, so glad to hear dh is making progress! Hopefully he will just keep getting better from now on re the 'is this your first' question, I used to panic when people asked me and tbh I used to just cry, now I usually just come out with 'no, my first was still born'. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer though, just do what you are comfortable with x

Welcome to Lola, so sorry to hear of your twins. Ttc is such a difficult thing to do after loss but we will all be here to support you x

Hi I wonder! Good luck with the Ttc! X

Hugs to everyone else.

X

[Cakebaker35]

A flying visit from me just to say if you didn't know (I didn't ) June is SANDS awareness month - www.uk-sands.org/get-involved/events/sands-awareness-month
You can turn your Facebook or Twitter image orange in support, if you'd like to. Think I'll look at doing some fundraising, feels like something positive to focus on for me at the moment.

[townsender]

Welcome Lola, it sounds like you had a very tough pregnancy last time even before Jake was born, so keeping my fingers crossed for an uneventful TTC journey for you.
Cake, I'm now getting the 'Is it your first' question almost every time I tell someone I'm pregnant - people at work who I speak to on the phone and never meet in person, waitress at a restaurant, friends of friends at a wedding. At the moment I'm saying 'no' to all of them, because I don't want to deny Grace existed, and also because it's true at the moment - I've been here before, its my second. I might struggle a bit more once I have a baby I think, because (with all my fingers crossed that this one goes smoothly) this will be my first baby I have got to take home, so it will be my first for a lot of things.
Hello Iwonder, it's lovely to hear you had 2 rainbows with no issues after the loss of your little boy - gives me faith!
Kitty I also went to fmc for Harmony (mainly because they are cheapest!) and they are lovely there, so good to hear you are registered with the Kings NHS team as they sounds very good.
I feel for you, being scared of the scans, and its totally understandable after what you've been through. The irony being, that the solution is to offer you more scans! A mixed blessing, indeed.

Good luck all the TTCers, and waves to Cake and Chat

[LolaStarr]

Thanks ladies. I'm 4 days over when I was due on now but still no bfp. I think my body might be playing tricks on me

[Cakebaker35]

Lola poor you it's horrible when your body doesn't do what you want it to and leaves you in limbo. Any sign of either af or bfp today?

Welcome to iwonder, I'm so sorry for your loss but it's so good to hear that you've gone on to have healthy dc's x

Thanks for sharing what you say when asked about other children. For months I've dreaded someone asking me but actually I've ended up telling the lady cutting my hair and she was really lovely - I just said we had a son and we lost him when he was a baby. It felt good just to say it and not end up in a crying mess. Someone also asked my Dd at a group if she had any siblings and she said yes I had a baby brother but he died. Again the lady was lovely and said im so glad you were able to tell me about him and I bet you're extra special to your mummy. I feel a lot less anxious now as I've often wondered what she would say if asked when I'm not there. Anyway sorry I'm rambling but im feeling glad this particular anxiety of mine seems to be gone now.

Lots of love to all. Anyone due to be testing anytime soon?

[LolaStarr]

Cake I've done a couple of tests where I think I can see the faintest line ever but I just don't know if I'm imagining it! No sign of AF yet, I'm trying not to get my hopes up though.

[LolaStarr]

Argh spoke to soon, popped to the loo literally right after I posted that and AF has snuck up on me with no warning. No baby for me this month

[Cakebaker35]

Oh Lola, bugger, so sorry af showed up. I hope you can have a nice glass of wine tonight and then hopefully tomorrow can think of it as a whole fresh cycle and you'll be back to ttc soon. Big hug x

[LolaStarr]

Never mind, it'll happen when it happens! No point getting stressed

[Iwonderif]

Sorry Lola. Biggest of loves. The disappointment I do remember very very well.

To cakebaker & townsender I'm pleased it's given you both comfort knowing I went on to have 2 more after DS. I used to feel that way when I read about women having more children. It wasn't easy being pg again but I gained great strength from many sources and took advice from professionals and others who had walked a similar journey. I never thought I would have children again after the death of DS. My mind played very cruel tricks on me.

I wish all of you much strength and comfort. Xxx

[kayleighferrie1985]

cake i'm pleased to hear the counselling is helping and your dh is feeling a little more positive now. I usually include Ben when people ask me how many children i have, and then tell the truth if they go on to ask how old my dc are, but as others have said; it's what you're comfortable with telling people- i don't think there's a "textbook" answer so to speak.

Lola welcome, i'm so sorry to hear about your twins. I too have older dc who i found helped lots after we lost Ben. Sorry af played tricks on you, i remember the disappointment of finding af had arrived very well. I wish you lots of luck ttc.

[zombiemeow]

Hi guys it's ducky, had to nanechange.

Cake how lovely your dd said that, sounds wrong doesn't it... But it's nice she acknowledges your angel too x

Lola, sorry af appeared. Fingers crossed it happens soon for you x

I must be mad. I must actually be mad. Ds is 6mo old now and I'm starting to think about Ttc again soon I don't know if I can, but it keeps popping into my mind. I don't know if I could take the stress again. I am currently waiting for a date for surgery on my foot so I will have to wait until I have had that and healed but I keep getting tempted to say sod the surgery!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Sorry AF got you this month Lola - good on you not getting stressed by it.

Iwonder thank you for sharing your success story too.

We had Sam's funeral on Tuesday, now back in Belgium. I was very flat yesterday, but better today. It feels very strange to be so keen to start TTC again, when his due date hasn't even passed yet, and with so many questions still to be answered. But that's what I am. Despite the huge fear, I'm itching to get going.

Cake my DD said something similar - unprompted - and the stranger on the bus didn't speak any English. She clearly thought I was pregnant, and that DD had let the cat out of the bag...offered her congratulations. At the time I froze in horror, now we can laugh. I want her to be able to talk freely about her little brother - though she does need to filter just who gets to hear about him!

Ducky/Zombie - is it just the stress that worries you about TTC again?

[zombiemeow]

Yes chat. I'm a very anxious person since dd and had a hard time coping with being pg, I think it would be even more difficult with ds to look after too! X

[ChatEnOeuf]

Sounds fair! I'm similar, we will have to hold each other's hands. It was hard enough being pregnant with Sam and a 3yo - and I was quite anxious even then (though for completely different reasons). It's going to be horrendous trying again...

[MrsJ31]

Hi again ladies,
Back from honeymoon (had a fab time) and thought I would update.
So AF arrived 4 days late, right in the middle of the honeymoon :-( also happened to be the day it rained all day so not good all round. After falling 1st time with Oliver I never really expected to be so lucky again but the disappointment is huge.
I have really bad anxiety problems since Oliver died but weirdly I am not anxious about ttc, just feeling really ready to be pregnant again. I am sure the anxiety will hit if/when we fall again.
Going to try and be like Lolastar and not get stressed - it will happen when it happens!

[Cakebaker35]

Is anyone still here????