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Conception

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Original poster

I feel my life will not be complete if I don't have another child.

25 replies

yodelayheehoo · 05/10/2011 23:26

Hello everyone. I am 35, have two children aged 8 and 6.

I have had the desire to have child number 3 since DD2 was around 2 years old but my husband is 100% sure that he doesn't want any more. How can we work through this? I can see his point...we find it hard to live on DH's wage as it is..but I can't help the way I feel!!

Please help me by saying how many children you have and how many you and your DH/DP wanted when you first met.....?

OP posts:

nickschick · 05/10/2011 23:31

I have 3 dc and ds3 was a hugggggge mistake (best mistake I ever made though he is an absolute darling) dh was furious with me (cos of course it was all my fault ) the age gap was ds1 was 7 ds2 was 5 and now they are all oder it really really shows that ds3 is the 'baby'....I wouldnt choose ever not to have I as you always wanted another but it did cause a lot of problems whilst I was pregnant both because dh didnt want another baby and because financially we had just started to get sorted.

When we met dh and I wanted lots of babies but that was before we knew what impact it would have on me (ds3 did nearly kill me) and the physical expense.

Id dearly love another baby but what then? another and another?.

Davidsmom · 06/10/2011 00:11

Oh, my goodness almost posted similar question half hour ago.
My husband is 100% positive he doesnt want any more due to it "being hard work" I have tried to discuss it further but thats the "discussion". I have actually written him a letter telling him how much I want another but will probably never get around to giving it to him.

Unfortunately our kids (2 DC 4 and 2) have been hard work due to a number of factors & I get bad SPD during prgnancy but I just have this NEED for another.

We did discuss children but not specifics so think I have to accept his feelings but am 42 and its probably unlikely to anyway but less likely if he suddenly thinks it a good idea in a year or so.....

I am having difficulty working through this though as well.

m1nn1em0u5e · 06/10/2011 00:19

Hi, im pregnant with dc3, my other boys are 8 & 4. My dh didnt want any more children either, he was happy with the family balance etc....however I just had this feeling that my family wasnt complete. We talked about it lots from ds2 being age 2, then, finally, he just changed his mind!..I do think that he had a phase of being worried about his job stability & that scared him a little, especially as I suffer from hyperemesis & spd when pregnant & he works away, so that was a lot to consider! This pregnancy is definitely the hardest yet. Good luck ladies :)

WaitingForMe · 06/10/2011 11:41

My DP has two sons (6 and 3) and didn't want any more when we got together. I wasn't sure whether I wanted kids but said I needed it to be a possibility which quickly he said it was. By the time we were talking about living together I said I definitely wanted one and it was a condition of us moving in together (I'd have continued as we were but refused to move further along a path with him if it conflicted with what I wanted long term). Six months later I proposed and we agreed when we'd TTC. There is no question of having more than one. I assumed I'd probably have two children (small family but not an only child) but we already have two (half the time) and I think three is plenty.

WishingIWasLucky · 06/10/2011 12:31

Hi girlies! I feel my life will be incomplete if we don't have any dc. No dc yet. Been ttc for over two years. Had a miscarriage in march at 8.2 weeks. Since then nothing. I'm 35. The biological clock is deafening me. so, I can sympathise with ladies who would like to add to their brood as they have first hand experience of the pleasure of babies, whereas I am imagining how good it will be- and this void is unbearable :(

Notinmykitchen · 06/10/2011 12:44

DH and I agreed we would have one when we got together. I knew I'd have liked two but thought one was a good compromise as DH had 2 already. After having DS I gradually realised that I really really wanted another. We discussed it a few times and DH was sure he didn't want any more. I tried every argument I could think of to persuade him, but he always had a valid counter argument, so I agreed with him. He changed his mind about 14 months ago when I gave up trying to argue the logic of why I wanted another one, and just told him how I felt.

However there is no sign of me getting pregnant thus far, so I am now trying to get my head round the idea that maybe it is just not meant to be!

WishingIwasLucky, I really really hope it does happen for you eventually, it seems really unfair that it isn't!

dontforget2scream · 06/10/2011 12:49

WishingIWasLucky - so sorry about your miscarriage, I hope you do get lucky soon. Fingers crossed for you.

I have one DD. When we met DP and I both said we'd only have one. My feelings changed when DD was about 12 months (she's now almost 5). DP's have stayed pretty much the same.

I wonder every day whether or not I'll have another. Sometimes he says the odd thing that gets my hopes up. But, to be honest, I don't think I can have another DC with someone whose heart isn't in it. If I got pregnant, I'd want excitement and joy from DP, not just a sense of being resigned to the situation.

m1nn1em0u5e · 06/10/2011 14:57

WishingIWasLucky ive got my fingers crossed for you :)

Davidsmom · 06/10/2011 22:17

WishingIwaslucky- I am sorry to hear your story about the loss and about how sad you sound. Thank you for putting things in perspective. I cannot begin compare your longings for one child to mine when I know I have been very lucky to have two DC already.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your DP.

Davidsmom · 06/10/2011 23:13

.......But I still cant stop wanting another.

If anyone learns how to persuade/convince a reluctant DH plaese let me know.

BeeBopBunny · 07/10/2011 15:54

I had one DD and I've been feeling very broody for another for a while now. When we got together and got married neither of us wanted children but I quickly started to feel very strongly that I wanted to start a family. DH didn't want children but he could see how unhappy I was and we started to TTC when we'd been married for about 5 years. I'd very much love another one but I'm afraid to discuss it with DH because I'm dreadfully afraid he will say no. And the uncertainty feels better than a definite 'no'. I'm steeling myself to ask him at the end of October (arbitrary, but somehow it feels like that would be a good time!), so we'll see what he says. It's such a hard thing to work out though, as it has such a massive impact on both partners but one of you has to give way to the other.

But I count my blessings every day - I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter.

AmandaCooper · 09/10/2011 17:52

I would like two. DH would like none. So we have none.

WishingIWasLucky I'm sorry for your loss. I'll be 34 in a few weeks, I know what that damn clock sounds like.

Fatshionista · 09/10/2011 17:58

I'm very much younger but feel this need too. We have 2 DD's age 3 and 10 months and he has a 2 year old DS from a one night stand who stays with us every weekend. He is adamant he wants no more children so he can get sleep, get on with life etc but I know in a few years the need will be deafening me.

OriginalGhoster · 09/10/2011 17:59

Have four, said we were going to have six. Have got dog

Crumbletopping · 09/10/2011 18:06

Hi OP

I could have written your post five years ago. We sort of put off a final decision and strangely enough just didn't get round to trying for DC3.

Now I am definitely past my sell-by date and wouldn't want to be having babies at this age.

Our two dc are pre-teen and teen and use up all our energy/time, supporting them with school work, extra-curricula stuff, taxi-ing and counselling. They are our world and we feel completely fulfilled with the pair of them; no regrets about DC3 who wasn't to be.

Another major consideration is that they don't get any cheaper!

Also, four people tend to fit quite neatly in to holiday cottages and hotel rooms .

Crumbletopping · 09/10/2011 18:11

Just read through thread. Sorry you are suffering Wishingiwaslucky. Took a long time and 2MC to get DC2 and it was an awful time. Really hope your dreams come true.

whereismywine · 09/10/2011 20:18

wishing I hear you, been ttc a year and nothing, it's hard. But, I empathise still with mums who want another baby - if the urge is there it's pretty strong. For me, I'll be happy with one little one. I couldn't put myself through this again and, like wishing, at 34, the clock is loud. Went for hsg the other day and I was the only lady in the waiting room ttc her first. You aren't alone and I wish you all the best x

WishingIWasLucky · 10/10/2011 00:48

Thank you so much for your kind words and best wishes girlies. Apologies for sounding so sad...that honestly was not my intention. I totally sympathise with you girls who are finding it difficult to expand your families. Obviously the pain of not achieving a pregnancy - no matter if it's your first, second, third etc. Must be something we all have in common. Of course we are all grateful for our health and families and jobs, but we should all support each other in our common quest regardless of family size. If my earlier post cane across as something different I am sorry for not explaining myself better. Fingers crossed for us all

AmandaCooper · 10/10/2011 08:28

WishingIwaslucky there is a lovely convention in this forum of whenever someone shares that they have lost a baby, at whatever stage of his/her life, others on the thread will acknowledge that loss. You weren't hijacking by any means.

OP I hope you find some peace with the situation, it's a tough thing to come to terms with if he won't budge.

WishingIWasLucky · 10/10/2011 08:35

Amanda- you always elevate my mood whenever we meet: Thankyou hun!
Goodluck everyone. X

Davidsmom · 10/10/2011 18:47

Hi,

Since I posted on this thread recently I have been thinking about my letter that I want to give to husband about my strong feelings for another child. Do I go for it? Think it was Beebop that said uncertainty is better than a definite "no" so really finding it difficult to decide.

I thought a letter was better as every (well the couple of times it has come up over the last few years) time I discuss it I get all emotional and cant really express myself well (tearful etc etc)

But thinking further I dont want to persuade someone and they be reluctant and does it say something about our communication that I have to put it in writing !!! three wouldnt be easy so communication would be helpful.

Think I'm overthinking it all but its been such an important thing at the back of my mind for so long.

Any advice accepted!

AmandaCooper · 10/10/2011 20:51

Wishing, one does one's best!

redrhumba · 11/10/2011 03:50

Hi
we have ds who is now 2.5, dh always said when we first started ttc that he only wanted 1 but he knew i wanted 2. Now we're thinking of ttc no 2 but i am really struggling to convince him no matter how many arguments i throw his way. the problem is he is an only child and has been spoilt but there is a huge age gap with my bro and i can see an only child's point if view and i really want ds to have a sibling.
He's really confusing me at the mo by giving me false hope of saying we'll start next month then changing his mind.
MEN!

AuntieDoris · 11/10/2011 05:19

I want at least 2 children, my DH would like kids, but doesn't mind how many.

I am 35 and we have no children. Have been TTC for over a year and find it pretty depressing that we are still trying without success.

I am still at that point when I think that people who have children already and yet still want more are just greedy! I know that's not true by the way - just me being unreasonable!!!

Vinolover · 14/10/2011 10:13

Im so sorry you're going through this.
Im 29 and had my ds aged 19 and dd aged 22. I thought I only wanted the two (dh definitely only wanted 2) but I fell pregnant when dd was a year old. I unfortunately lost that baby early on and we carried on as we were. In recent years my urge for another has gotten stronger and stronger. I tried to ignore it and even got two dogs (which I absolutely adore) but the need is still there. I always jokingly said to dh "oh just one more" and I would be answered with "absolutely no way!" He thinks that because our children are getting independent now we can get our lives back, which I agree with but I had the regret of not having another.
We really discussed the situation last week and he said he was willing to give it a go :) I can't say he's too happy about it which is hurtful but to me it feels so right. I just hope and pray it happens soon for us as the age gap is getting bigger and bigger and im getting older.
I hope you manage to work things out. I know exactly how you feel but believe me, if I managed to talk my dh round, anyone can!!
Take care Xx

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