Comedy writing - who is good at this? I need a spoof thank you letter for unwanted gifts

[roisin]

I need a spoof thank you letter for unwanted gifts to read aloud to classes (secondary) tomorrow as a model, for them to make an attempt.

Who is good at this sort of thing? Anyone can spare a few minutes and care to have a go? I can guarantee this will be performed and appreciated in school tomorrow. (So keep it clean!)

e.g. Dear mother-in-law,
Thank you so much for the delightful gift of 2.5m of knicker elastic. I really appreciated the fact that you had taken so much care in wrapping up this gift so beautifully. There are so many possible uses for knicker elastic, at least I now know I will never be lacking in this department again.

.. Little Tommy appreciated,... etc.

Dear mother in law

Thank you for the pink feathered high heeled slippers you kindly sent me for christmas.

Those extra couple of inches means I can reach the cornflakes down from the cupboard now.

Love, your daughter in law.

Never seen slippers with heels before until she gave me a pair . Wonder if anybody ever did buy them from the charity shop.

Message withdrawn

Dear Auntie Mabel

Thank you very much for the lovely makeup set you sent Charlie. It was very thoughtful of you.

I shall send you an updated photo of him after an urgent haircut tomorrow...

Dear Grandma

Thank you so much for the beautiful jumper. I didn't think it was possible to get 17 different colours on one garment but by jove, you've done it ! The third sleeve is ingenious, I'm currently using it to keep my recorder in - handy for band practice but I'm sure I will find many other uses for it. Thanks again Grandma and keep knitting.

Your beloved grandaughter

Jennifer

Dear Granny

Thank you for my Christmas present.

When I said that I would be happy "to send a goat to Africa" I didn't actually mean I was wanting to send a real goat to Africa.

Mum is really cross as the goat has now eaten half the Christmas tree and is now eyeing up the garden.

Love

Amy

Genius

Dear Auntie Sue,

Thank you so much for the nightie, Shep has never been so comfortable in his basket, and please don't worry about the smell of smoke and febreeze, it hasn't bothered him one jot.

Yours Gratefully

Brenda

**

Dear Mandy

Thank you so much for the festively decorated snowman candle, I shall be thinking of you next time we are 3 days into a power cut.

Yours gratefully

Brenda

Dear Aunty Marge

You present was such a surprise. Three Playmobil train stations - a real surprise as I have not had Playmobil for the past 8 years.

Thanks again

James

PS I may exchange them and use the money for a Playstation 3

dear Uncle Edwin,

Thank you for your kind gift of chocolate brazil nuts - I'm sure that allergies don't wear off, but maybe you are right. I certainly never knew an epipen could be administered by a 3 year old and little Johnny has stopped having the nightmares now in any case.

Yours Gratefully

Brenda

ROFL coldtits

To my darling wife

Thank you very much for such a special Christmas - booking me into the Ice Hotel for the holiday season was inspired although it is a pity you could not join me.

Thanks too for my book - Delia Smith's "One is Fun". Bit odd I thought but perhaps we can double the quantities?

Your loving husband

Ooh these are so fabulous! I love you all!
Merry Christmas
Rx

Dere Unckle Sargint Tonks,

thank you for the big gun that shute relly big pelits the cat is okay now an mum has stoped cryin love from Johnny.

Dear Mother In Law

Thank you for the cat litter tray liners, now every time I see a cat's bottom I am reminded of you.

Love

Your Daughter In Law.

roisin - i read a poemwith my year 5 kids today that is spoof thank you letters......

willsee if I have a copy

Dear Grandma

Thank you so much for the 10p you sent us. Decimalisation has been difficult to come to terms with hasn't it? If we ingmore the effects of inflation over the last 40 years, I am sure we can buy something beautiful with it.

Love

Goosey

Christmas Thank You's

Dear Auntie
Oh, what a nice jumper
I've always adored powder blue
and fancy you thinking of
orange and pink
for the stripes
how clever of you!

Dear Uncle
The soap is
terrific
So
useful
and such a kind thought and
how did you guess that
I'd just used the last of
the soap that last Christmas brought

Dear Gran
Many thanks for the hankies
Now I really can't wait for the flu
and the daisies embroidered
in red round the 'M'
for Michael
how
thoughtful of you!

Dear Cousin
What socks!
and the same sort you wear
so you must be
the last word in style
and I'm certain you're right that the
luminous green
will make me stand out a mile

Dear Sister
I quite understand your concern
it's a risk sending jam in the post
But I think I've pulled out
all the big bits
of glass
so it won't taste too sharp
spread on toast

Dear Grandad
Don't fret
I'm delighted
So don't think your gift will
offend
I'm not at all hurt
that you gave up this year
and just sent me
a fiver
to spend

Mick Gowar

Where's that spoof of the Twelve Days of Christmas done by that Irish bloke? That should be good for a few laughs.

I feel obliged to add that the random apostrophe in 'Thank you's' was the poet's own as copied and pasted from t'internet

Thank you all
I like the poems and have printed copies of the Christmas Thank Yous one and the Twelve Days of Christmas spoof too.

It's not actually for me - but a colleague is off sick, and today set practice exam papers for all her classes, and I felt very sorry for the students and the poor supply teacher

Thanks again everybody - this was much appreciated at school yesterday.