Why has my husband changed so much, and why will God not help?

[Butheneverhitme]

Please be gentle.

DH had a complete character change about 10 years ago. 10 years ago our daughter was stillborn and I became very depressed. I'm better now but no more DC came along, instead a string of mc.

From a good, loving man he became unfaithful multiple times, I found him in dating sites, girlfriends contacted me (with videos and pictures of them together.

But worse, he became horrible. Unkind to me and DS, lost his temper easily, aggressive to pets, could pick a fight with an empty room. Just nasty. He refuses to have counselling.

I've put up with it until DS was listening to music in the car which included lyrics about domestic abuse. I asked him to turn it off and he said, mam, I don't need you to tell me about domestic abuse, I live with Da.

I was devastated that it had this affect on him. I immediately started divorce proceedings which DH is resisting every step of the way. The mediator refused to work with him. He refuses to move out.

But last week I went to a monastery and stayed for a few days. And all I could do was pray for him and that he would come back to us. God could soften his heart I know.

So why won't He?

@Butheneverhitme Why has my husband changed so much, and why will God not help?

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.

Nobody can tell you why your soon to be ex husband ‘changed’. I cannot answer that. There are so many variables.

I immediately started divorce proceedings which DH is resisting every step of the way. The mediator refused to work with him. He refuses to move out.

He cannot stop the divorce. As for him not moving out and there is domestic violence / abuse at play, surely the police can help? What about your divorce solicitor?

all I could do was pray for him and that he would come back to us. God could soften his heart I know.
So why won't He?

Why won’t your husband come back, or why won’t God soften his heart?

Answers to prayer are 1. not always immediate 2. Not in our timing. 3. The ‘answer’ may not be what we want. 4. The answer may be there but we do not see. In your husband’s case he may not want his heart softening, so will not be open to any prompting. Sometimes our prayer needs to be for ourselves, for God to reveal to us, anything in our own heart and mind that needs to change.

You have not mentioned your church community nor your Pastor/Vicar … I hope you find comfort and support there.

In Christ Jesus I hope you find wholeness, healing and the peace that passes all understanding according to His perfect and sovereign will.

Thank you very much for your response 💛

I want the man I knew as a teenager to come back. That good and loving man.

My vicar knows what's going on. Recently he asked me "what are you doing still with him?". And I know he would say that far from lightly.

Solicitor OK but DH ridiculously dragging his heels. Refuses to acknowledge any paperwork so I have to hire a service processor every time

I'm interested to know what he meant when he was saying he lives with domestic abuse. Is he implying you're abusing him in some way?

No, he's referring to his da bullying/ shouting/verbal aggression

I felt a bit useless to be honest, but could see your need and could not walk away without replying. I 100% understand you wanting the man he used to be to return. For you vicar to say what they did, they must be aware of how your husband has behaved towards you. I am pleased that at least in that way you are not alone. I truly hope it all works out for you. Keep hoping, keep praying, but also be pragmatic and keep yourself safe.

This is no excuse for treating you and your son the way he has but do you think he could be suffering from Ptsd from the loss of your child? It puts you in fight or flight mode all the time so you constantly feel like you are about to die. People often turn to drinking or drugs as its the only way they can reduce the crippling fear and you have nothing spare so can be very confrontational and have no patience. It is crippling, exhausting and debilitating but can be treated in a large amount of cases by emdr. I was very unwell with it but am now almost back to normal. Cant deal with unexpected loud noises but other than that i am ok.

He's definitely depressed. Unfortunately he can't see our GP for help as he's special forces. He's bomb his medical.

Thank you so much for everyone who replied. It meant a lot to me.

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation OP and condolences on the loss of your children. From what you have said it does seem that your DH changed at the time of the loss of your child, and he has really gone off the deep end. I don't think you have said, is your DH a Christian or not?

The thing with prayer is that God moves in His own time, which usually isn't the same as what we'd like! Prayer is a request. We cannot demand anything of God, He will do as He wills. Also sometimes a person must really hit rock bottom before they will listen or change in any way. This is of course torture for anyone who loves them but there's not a lot you can do about it except pray, and you do need to look after yourself and your son.

I will pray that you can find some sort of resolution to this and strength to carry on, also to know what is best to do.

I'm so sorry for your awful situation.

On my experience we can keep praying for someone like your stbxh and we don't know what God will do, but what we do know is God can give you strength, peace and his own presence to help you get through this awful situation.

Dig in to spending time with God and drawing strength and peace from him. Do what you need to prioritise the needs of your son and yourself.

There are some beautiful verses about this. I would encourage you to try and meditate on them and draw some strength from God in your difficult situation.

Philippians 4:5–7: Reminds us that the Lord is near, telling us to bring our worries to Him so His deep peace can guard our minds.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

John 14:27: Jesus tells His disciples, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you," encouraging them not to be afraid.

Psalm 4:8: "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety,"

Exodus 33:14: God promises Moses, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

2 Thessalonians 3:16: "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you."

God will never act against our free will, so He can't change your husband if your husband doesn't want to be changed.

It's fantastic that your vicar is supportive - not always the case.

In terms of why people change for the worse over time: sometimes the hardness and struggles of life wear them down, and sometimes they were always like this but just didn't show it before when everything was going their way. I think there are a number of men who don't enjoy the childhood years of having to put a child first and sacrifice so much time/energy/money, and also see that they have to share their wife with their child(ren). If your DH has been in the military then no doubt that has contributed to the change in his character over time, but there's nothing really to be gained from trying to work out why he has changed. If you are needing to orchestrate a particular set of conditions and remove all sources of stress and difficulty from life in order for your husband to treat you well, then that is not God's design for marriage.

I think it's hard but you need to press on with the divorce and try to work out a way for him to move out. And prepare for him to be difficult, and do what you need to keep yourself and your son safe. It sounds awful but you will need to be shrewd and take legal advice about money and finances because it sounds very likely he will be resistant to parting with anything.

How old is your DS? Will he be given a say in who to live with?

DS is 15 and I fully support him in whatever choice he makes.

This breaks my heart. DH and I have known each other since we were teenagers. We feel in love with each other all over again when we saw each other as parents. I waited for him through deployments. I went through pregnancy after pregnancy.

I turned a blind eye to his infidelity. But DS comes first.

It's just so bloody unfair