What's a tantrum and what's more?

[Ontheflipside]

Where do I start. My eldest will be 5 in 3 weeks and ever since she was 14 months old she has massively struggled with meltdowns. Not tantrums, full complete out of control meltdowns. That can last anywhere from 15 minutes to 3+ hours.

She's always been very advanced with her speech, so it isn't that.

Tonight's one has come about because she was sent home from preschool with a kit to make an eclipse lens. Her dad started making it and she was adamant it wasn't right. This has resulted in a complete meltdown and I'm now bleeding in 2 places where I had to pick her up to move her to a safe place as she tends to attack her younger sister.

Other things to note is that she goes through phases little 'isms' but they pass. One was livking the palms of her hands for comfort, one was clearing her throat in a funny way over and over.

I guess what I'm asking is, do we need to consider if she may need additional support or does this all sound very normal?

I think this is definitely worth reaching out to someone about, maybe health visitor as first port of call?

If they tend to last more than sort of 30 minutes, are regular, involve aggression, and you can’t diffuse the situation with comfort then I’d absolutely say it warrants at least a chat.

Have you talked to her teachers or childcare about the behaviour? They'll be able to offer incite from seeing dozens of different variations of normal.

I don't think it's any harm starting an assessment journey, especially since they take so long. If they do make a diagnosis, it's for a reason and offers support. If they don't, it helps you turn towards other solutions.

For what it's worth, I posted a similar thread about my DC and emotional outbursts. I did get some judgemental posts blaming my parenting, but also a lot of insight. For us, DC needed a lot more downtime to unwind than we were providing. Full time working parents here, which again got flamed. 😅 We've made routine tweaks which have really helped.

Coping methods for ND children are often amazing for sensitive children too. Especially ones that lean towards sensory seekers.

Health visitor is a good shout, although I haven't seen once since she was 2!!

She will start school in September but has been in childcare since she was 1 and none of her teachers there have ever raised concerns. But I know she masks it as she only ever gets really upset at home now she's older as opposed to major meltdowns out and about that you would see in a 2 year old for example. And sometimes I see something trigger an upset but she suddenly becomes aware of her surroundings and almost pushes it down. However don't we all when someone pisses us off in public 😂

She could well just be a very sensitive child who is a sensory seeker also. The only things that ring alarms to me are that there really don't seem to be any common triggers to what causes them (yes she can be more prone to have one when tired, but that's not the only time). My husband has ADHD and all 3 of her first cousins have ADHD or autism (formal diagnosis). My sister says she reminds her a lot of them.

There's a huge genetic component to ADHD, which I also have in mind for mine also. I'm non UK, and diagnosis for this doesn't typically happen without school support or private assessment (we're not there yet either & private is expensive) so we're watching and waiting for now. I do feel mine is more so sensitive than ND though; coping techniques have really helped being us more towards "typical".

The pressure cooker effect is massive and I find the biggest struggle too. Mine is perfectly behaved at childcare and in public, but struggles with emotions at home. Shortening time in childcare, making time for undirected, uninterrupted play, dedicated 1:1 time (also have younger siblings!), lots of sports to direct energy, talking through emotions when we're calm instead of in the moment all help. I found I was feeding the melt down by trying to fix it, so now I bring them somewhere safe, ask if they want the door open or closed to give choice, and let them know I'll check again in 5 minutes. They're allowed to come rejoin at any time which they know.

I hope you find some methods that help your little one too.