WWYD - friend's DS has "odd" eyes but she doesn't seem to have noticed

[Murtette]

I meet up every week with two friends and their children. All of the DC are about to turn 2. About 3 months ago, I noticed one of the DC has "odd" eyes - he often looks cross eyed and when he turns to look at something in a corner say, one eye moves at a different angle to another. The other mother noticed last week and asked me if I'd noticed it.
This week, in general conversation, trips to the dentist came up so I asked if anyone knew when they first had their eyes tested as I hoped this might lead to something. It didn't.

Should I say something? I know from my cousin who had a lazy eye that it was fine by the time went to school as they'd picked it up very early.

The DC is at nursery so, for the past few weeks, I've been telling myself that surely they'll pick it up but, if they have, the mother hasn't told us (and we do tend to share most things). Alternatively, I'd hoped the HV might have picked it up at the 2 year check but we've just been told that they've been phased out in our area.
What would you do?

She will have noticed. Don't mention it

believe me she has noticed she just doesn't want to discuss it.

i would do nothing.
if it's that obvious then mum will have noticed, and if she hasn't then like you say the HV or nursery will have

she may just not want to talk about it with you

It sounds like he needs glasses to correct that. Hopefully she is not just ignoring it.

I need to disagree - she may NOT have noticed it, or may have noticed it, but dismissed it as 'just a baby thing'.

DS1 had a squint which made him look cross-eyed on photos, but in real life we honestly didn't really notice it.

It was only when I was complaining that he always looked cross-eyed in photos to a friend that she said 'well, he IS a bit cross-eyed, isn't he?' I was a bit shocked and perhaps offended for a little bit, but was glad, because we then took him the eye hospital and 6 months later he had surgery! All OK now, thankfully...

She may well not have noticed. I know many people who have not noticed.

My God daughter had 'odd' eyes in a lot of photos. No one mentioned it to my friend until a doctor picked it up. When my friend told people about it they said "Oh, I noticed that but didn't want to be rude". My friend was gutted because if it had been picked up earlier it would have been treatable. As it is, nothing can be done and it is now too severe.

Please say something. Sometimes parents don't notice something unusual because it has come about so gradually that it's not unusual to them iykwim.

we didn't notice and nursery even asked us if we'd noticed (to be fair we had a lot more serious health stuff to deal with at the time) so it took til school for it to be picked up
I'd mention it

It's funny what you don't notice because you see it every day and it only changes marginally until someone who doesn't see it so often picks it up because there is a bigger difference for them.

If I was your friend I would like you to gently show me so that I can then either:

A) realise and start doing something about it
or
B) sigh with relief that here, finally, is someone I can talk to.

BluddyMoFo - yes, honestly, I think it's possible that all those people haven't noticed/ haven't said anything/ haven't considered it a problem...

In DS's case:

• when he was a very little baby I thought he looked a bit cross-eyed and asked the health visitor and she said 'oh, all babies are cross-eyed - he'll grow out of it' which is why I probably then didn't think anything of it
• DS didn't see the GP much in the first 2 years & nothing was said by practice nurses giving injections etc
• Grandparents lived miles away/ didn't see often, and anyway, he was their first grandchild, and 'perfect' in every way. He could have had two heads, and they probably wouldn't have noticed!

DS was also in nursery, and nothing was said... people are very nervous of offending, and like you 'assume' that it's being dealt with.

If you're a really good friend then please find a way of discussing it. Could you invent a distant relative of yours who 'had something similar' and now has to wear glasses/ had it patched etc (don't talk about surgery - you might freak her out...)

Mixed responses but at least that backs up why I've been stuck with this dilemma for some time.
I think I'll mention it gently next time we meet up & see what she says. Other than nursery, I think I am one of the people who sees the child most regularly. The grandparents aren't particularly involved, no other relatives live locally, the child is generally healthy so hasn't seen the doctor for months and the mother lost faith with the HV in the early weeks. I wish I could think someone else would raise it as I really don't want the conversation but would hate for a situation like Gilbonzo's to arise...also slightly nervous that she might retort with something she's spotted about my DC!

BluddyMoFo, I also really think it is possible. I have a squint (one crossed eye), so dutifully had my first born checked. The HV said he was fine, the GP said he was fine, even an optician missed it. And while I maybe knew in my heart they were all wrong, I chose to believe I couldn't see it either and they were right.

They weren't, of course, and he has had his treatment late as a result. And my mother (who missed it in me even though she also had it!) THEN said "oh, I thought so, but as you'd had it checked and seemed satisfied I didn't want to upset you"!!!???!!!

The implications of not having it corrected can be blindness in that eye. It is worth the risk of a couple of ruffled feathers.

My FIL found out he had a squint at the age of 63, having worn glasses for 30 years (says it explained a lot like why he could never catch a ball well).