How can I support my childfree daughters?

[cubistqueen]

I hope you don’t mind a mum posting here, but I’m asking for advice from childfree people. I have two daughters who are 23 and 26. The eldest is in a relationship but it’s early days so she’s not sure if it’s going to last yet. The youngest is single after breaking up with her boyfriend from when she was at university a year ago. They are both starting out in professional careers - solicitor and accountant.

From an early age they have both said they didn’t want children and although I did the usual thing of thinking that they might change their mind as they got older, they never did and so are both adamant that they want to be childfree. I’m ok with that. I was never the most maternal of mothers and the younger years were a nightmare and I don’t think I became a good mother to them until they were teens. Their father and I split up when they were young so they don’t really have any memories of being that form of nuclear family. Their dad is Indian so is finding their attitude strange as he was brought up fairly traditionally in some ways and from the start of our relationship it was clear he wanted marriage and babies and I was happy with that. He does, however, have the good sense to keep quiet about his thoughts and is a really lovely dad and co parent.

Anyway, we are both starting to get comments from friends and family about future grandchildren which we laugh off and say that the girls are too young to think about that and don’t want kids anyway. At the moment they aren’t getting too many comments, but I know that as they approach their late 20’s they will have to endure it - as I did when I was that age, but obviously my responses were different.

So the point of this pointless waffle js how can I support them when the questions and comments inevitably start? Not just from the Indian side of the family, but their friends and randoms?

You support them by not making a big deal about their choice or ability to give birth. Until they express interest in it shouldn't be even thought about. It's simply not part of them or their lives.

Their wombs are not anyone else's business. But they shouldn't be shy about telling the truth which is at this point they don't want kids.

None of my young cousins on my mum's side want children. They're all 25-32. I can't see them changing their minds either. But I don't think I've ever heard anyone questioning it.

They’re so young! Ignore comments from other people. It’s really unusual for 23 year olds to have children. Even the 28 year old is below average.
they might change their mind, who knows. I’d just say they are intelligent young women working in their careers

Just close any intrusive questions down: "they're grown women, they'll make their own decisions and I'm happy with that". Repeat as necessary!

Tell the people asking to piss off and mind their own business?

Agree with this.

Jeez they are 23 and 26! I wasn’t thinking of kids then and sure hope my daughter doesn’t have kids by then! You write as if they are late 30s.
Anyway say they are and don’t want kids - what kind of ‘support’ do you think they need? I’m sure they can handle any comments well enough. Like ‘it’s really none of your business but I’m not interested in having children and it’s not up for further discussion’. If people are rude enough to push it then they get a straight answer back and conversation shut down. You do the same.

I think you just tell people “it’s up
to them.” And never put any pressure on them yourself.

If any nosey relatives say anything to my mum she just says 'as long as she's happy I'm happy'. She has made it clear to me she's happy for me that I'm happy, she celebrates my achievements and asks about my life and that's all the support I need from her, I'm sure that's all your daughter's want from you too 😊

Their life, their choice, I’m happy if they are happy.

I hope that’s what my Dad (Mum has passed) says about us.

I have PMOS but we never wanted kids, it’s hard deciding which to tell folk because they either think aw bless you can’t, or ooooh weirdo doesn’t want.

I’ve had all the you next shite, parents shrugging and saying hey it’s up to them, what they want is absolutely the best thing.

if they get pushy, roll out the classic, wow, rude.

I’m now 50, had all the intrusive questions from when we married 28 years ago. Still married, Still childfree.

Those saying they are so young - yes they are for the current average but a lot of the two generations above will be worrying about them being left on the shelf - their business or not. That has never stopped some people.

For those being really “inquisitive” I would go with “I don’t know; I don’t ask about my daughters’ sex lives!” whilst looking them straight in the eye!!!

If your daughters at any time do find the intrusion too much, suggest that they keep an imaginary “bingo card” or even a physical one and then they can mentally or visually tick off the phrases as people pop out the cliches. There are plenty of examples online.

First poster nailed in tbh. I always knew I didn’t want kids and vpwas very up front about it, I used to get all the questions for decades but mostly stopped now I’m in my late 40s.

Just be their mum and don’t make a big deal about it. If others nag you tell them to mind their own business and leave the girls alone. Simple as that.

Tell your family that it’s none of their business if a woman chooses to have children or not.

And treat every milestone in your children’s life as every bit as important as the birth of a child.

I am 41 and tired of my family and friends not supporting or even appreciating my big achievements when at the same time they won’t stop banging on about my stepsisters child, for example.