Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

Depends how you say it. It can come across as “not everyone is up to it”.

Why is that offensive? Most people aren't?

People are totally judged for not wanting a career or being ambitious.

I have 3 kids. I love them unconditionally and wouldn't change a thing.
However, if I could write a letter to my 16yo old self, I would list a lot of reasons similar to yours.
When adults tell young people to live their life before having kids they need to be specific like this. At least in my experience. (I am also ND and need things spelling out for me)

I'm also a ND parent. It's only though experience I discovered those reasons aren't a reality, luckily mothering was the making of me. It cured my body issues, empowered me, healed childhood wounds etc and gave me strength and changed my perspective.

5 family members are childfree, we haven't discussed it. My aunt once said she regretted it but thought she wouldn't have coped with her health. I have missed not having cousins and feel bad she has regret, but until that point I didn't think anything of it, it was just how things were. Like some pp, most people don't care about something that doesn't exist (ie a child that was never conceived by someone else that's never brought it up). We don't tend to think about what ifs for other people, they're busy living their life and engaging with reality. It seems more to be a social media discussion with people justifying their choices to strangers by putting down others or making things up.

@KimberleyClark "Depends how you say it. It can come across as “not everyone is up to it”"

I don't think that's on the person saying it, to be honest

@Sageseashells Like some pp, most people don't care about something that doesn't exist (ie a child that was never conceived by someone else that's never brought it up). We don't tend to think about what ifs for other people, they're busy living their life and engaging with reality. It seems more to be a social media discussion with people justifying their choices to strangers by putting down others or making things up.

I think that’s a very accurate observation.

Not everyone wants children that’s ok, no one should have to have a list of reasons ready as to why they don’t want them. “No I don’t want kids” should be enough. I think people tend to want others to explain it because their thinking from their own point of view and can’t understand why someone would not want children

I don't. While it's true that the majority of people only care about themselves, they're often threatened by people who make different life decisions. It makes them feel insecure about their own choices. IMO that's why so many people try to convince CF women they're making a mistake, or criticise their choices. Tbf it also works both ways - an insecure CF woman might also criticise parents for the same reason. We all have our own issues to work through.

Agree… everyone needs to be less judgemental. One of my cousins is childless-by-choice (sorry if I’m getting terminology wrong) and every gathering she’s bombarded with questions about when her & her husband will have children. Then it’s like “oh but you’d be such a good mum” etc. It’s not really about you it’s about them, they’re trying to understand why you aren’t going down the same path they did. That said I’m slightly baffled by the comments that people have children without giving it any thought because it’s the “done thing”… and I dunno maybe that was true 30-odd years ago but I don’t know any of my peers or anyone my age who was just going with the flow!! Obviously I knew a couple of teen pregnancies but that’s a bit different. From my perspective it took 10 years (including daily injections, weight loss, a LOT of money, invasive tests, trips to the fertility clinic, hyperemesis gravidarum, stress, and almost dying) to become a mother - I certainly wasn’t doing all that just because it was the “done thing” 😂. People are having babies much older & in fewer numbers now which suggests they’re putting thought in just like people who choose not to.

I honestly think people can find it hard to accept that others have processed exactly the same information they did (whether that’s the cost of having children or the joy they bring, etc) with exactly the same level of careful thought, but reached a different conclusion than they did. Or maybe people struggle to accept there’s not a “right” answer.

I'm not childfree but everything you've said applies to me. It's very hard being a parent and it's not even getting easier as she gets older.
Your reasons are very valid, but you should not have to justify yourself to anyone. It must be nice to be this clear.
Enjoy x

I'm childfree by choice-and honestly, whilst I could easily list off a multitude of reasons why I don't want kids if I had to justify myself (I don't) it all boils down to one thing: I don't want them and part of that is as instinctual as it is logical.

And I think some of the same thing for the reasons why people want kids. It's not always based in "logic." It's based in feelings and instincts and that is as valid as logic or can be.

A lot of my "reasons" for not having kids come down to freedom. I want my lazy Sundays, reading my books on the couch and to be able to come and go when I please. I want to go on holidays that aren't themed around children. I want to live my life on my terms.

And if that is selfish-I don't care. We all get one life and why shouldn't we be selfish with it? This is a decision that impacts no one but the person making it so if that decision is "selfish" so be it. There's no cupboard of souls, waiting to be born and by some of us opting out, those souls are denied the opportunity of life.

Kids and parenting isn't for everyone. It's hard work-and my DB has a DS and whilst I love the kid to pieces and adore spending time with him-I know I couldn't do it on a full time basis. It's just not for me and I don't see any shame in admitting that parenting is not one of my capabilities. I think it's better to be honest now and make the decision not to-than to have a kid and just see what happens.

Also, with justifying why you do or don't want kids-it doesn't make sense. For some people, no justification, no amount of reasons for not having kids will ever be sufficient. They'll always find holes in your reasons. Ways that you can still live the life you want with kids attached.

Similarly, if a parent or someone who wants kids tries to justify their reasons for having kids to someone who doesn't want them-no reason will ever be deemed sufficient or good enough.

This is why we just shouldn't bother to justify our choices to people. It's the path to nowhere. If someone presses you for your reasons-tell them to mind their own.

All valid reasons Op. You don't need to tell anyone your reasons, I simple 'I don't want them' should be enough, if anyone continues to press you then bollocks to them

For some the best feeling in the world may be to be a mother, and if that's true for them then cool. For others motherhood can feel very overwhelming and unrewarding. I think your decision on what is right for you should be based on just that, not comments from others on their thoughts about their own life path. Would also be great if people stopped trying to force their own ideals onto others. We could all be a little more 'you do you'!