Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

All your reasons, and indeed anyone’s reasons, are valid.

Yes it is very irritating when people assure you that you dont understand real love/you are not totally fulfilled/its your role as a woman or whatever other crap they come out with. Always interesting that it never occurs to them that as an adult without through your life, perhaps you have had experiences they dont understand.

Kids can be great but they're not all they're cracked up to be. Enjoy your life and stop trying to justify your valid decision!

@daliesque How on earth can "well it isn't for everyone" be read as a negative?

Being ND isn’t an excuse to be continually rude, sarcastic and unaccepting of others reasons for having children, which you asked for, on a thread you started with the apparent intention of wanting to hear people’s reasons for having children.

I’m really lost OP - what is vile?

you don’t want kids - absolutely fine. Your reasons seem completely sensible to me but it doesn’t matter whether I or anyone else thinks they’re sensible.

but someone saying “the best feeling in the world is to be a mother” is just their opinion. It’s not judging you. You disagree - you presumably feel that there are better feelings in the world. Great. What do you actually want here?

It’s unfortunate that some people have been offended, but OP is with us now, so the parents can step away. Welcome, @InAMess2023.

Your reasons are all perfectly good, and in particular I think the second one is not considered by many until it’s too late. I know many people who are unfortunately shackled to a complete arsehole for another 15+ years (even though divorced) because they have to co-parent. It makes life miserable.

I was referring to the '....even if you were able to.' part of that post. Totally unnecessary.

It goes further than just expressing the opinion you state though, it's quite usually followed by (as others have also pointed out) 'oh but you couldn't possibly know what it's like', 'you'll never know love like it', etc. That does feel judgemental.

I don't understand this thread. Why is this a rant? You don't want kids because you like shopping and going on holiday and don't think you could afford both, among other reasons. Ok. I don't want a dog because I don't like the smell. I don't want a career in medicine because I don't want to do shiftwork. So what? It's fine that for others their docs and careers in medicine are huge parts of their lives.

I don't understand why you're talking about getting "roasted" or about people being vindictive. Why would anyone care whether you have children or not? The fact that you don't want them doesn't take away other people's reasons for wanting the. It doesn't stop it being true that for others having children is the best experience of their lives.

I mean, they're not wrong - I've just read the thread and you could have been (a lot!) nicer.

No judgement from me. In fact I applaud you for taking such a sensible decision (well the decision was kind made for you but still). Far too many have children when they shouldn't, that lifestyle isn't suited to them. You know it isn't and you have owned that choice. Well done OP.

But people don't get judged for not wanting a dog or a career in medicine. Completely and utterly different.

You're coming across angry and utterly obsessed with something you say you're happy about. The lady who said 'even if you were able' isnt vile, its a fact. The fact you're reacting so hypersensitive to words about something you started on the internet is concerning.

Get off the thread, go and meditate or something.

The fact that your first response was deleted not enough for you?

Nobody is forcing you to read the thread. Why don't YOU go and meditate or something?

It’s unfortunate that some people have been offended, but OP is with us now, so the parents can step away.

Unfortunate? Strange way of justifying someone being rude, offensive and sarcastic about the answers to a question they had asked.

OP needs to understand that she was rude to posters. She understands it’s rude to question and not accept people’s reasons for not wanting children, but has done the same herself just the other way around and sees no issue.

You need to not get drawn into the judgement. You don't need a "valid" reason beyond the fact that you don't want them. It should be like choosing not to have a dog or a career in medicine.

No judgement here. Obviously I love my children but I’m autistic with terrible anxiety and I wish that I had not brought all the extra worry into my life. I would love to only have my dogs to worry about (because that’s more manageable) and I would love there to be no one to worry about me.

And nobody forced you to write it and continue reading?

Im unable to have a second child. Shall i write 8 paragraphs listing reasons why 1 is better and all the things i can do that people with more than 1 cant. Or why my life is better or why its superior. I wanted 4, i have one. You get on with it. You sound bitter which is completley valid when you're not covering it with bizarre comments and excuses. The cards are dealt, some shit, its gods plan. find peace.

And nothing i posted was deleted as nothing was offensive or rude..

I’m with you OP, insofar as I’m also glad you will remain without issue. Seems best for all concerned.

No-one should be made to feel that they should have children.
It should only be a positive decision.
it's selfish often to have children. it is a huge responsibility.
Children are often treated badly by parents who didn't want to be parents.

She doesn’t need to do anything. She’s had some big news with lifelong implications, and processing that can be difficult. She’s left that thread and come here now. You didn’t need to follow her.

Must have imagined that bottom post on Page 5 of this very thread. You pretty much crowed about continuing to come over here and talk about being a mother. It wasn't even me who picked you up on it - more than once.

She doesn’t need to do anything. She’s had some big news with lifelong implications, and processing that can be difficult. She’s left that thread and come here now. You didn’t need to follow her.

I didn’t follow her, this thread was in active and I had read her other thread. She misrepresented what had happened over there. She was the one being judgemental and horrible to other posters and she then came here to twist things. No wonder she doesn’t want people here who can see what she did.