Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

All valid reasons in my opinion.

Totally fair OP.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like you should want what they thought they wanted just to make them feeling better about having something it turned out they didn’t really want.

Your reasons are irrelevant if you can't actually have children, though? 🤷🏼‍♀️

No, they're not. A person who can't have children but wants them is in a very different place from someone who can't have them and doesn't want them.

@MissRheingold I've literally said in my OP that yes I can't have them but I'm also a million percent sure I don't want to either...

I have two kids and totally understand your reasons for not wanting any. They’re both young adults now but I still spend a huge chunk of my time caring for them (autism & adhd) and constantly worrying about them. They are great mates of mine too so it does have its recompenses but parenting can be incredibly demanding and it’s totally reasonable to say it’s not for you.

No judging from here - those are all perfectly sound reasons not to want children!

They are sound reasons but you really don't need to explain or justify them OP. They are what they are, and they are your reasons. I found out I couldn't conceive naturally and made the decision not to have IVF because of my mental health issues. It gets foggy - am I childfree not by choice because I didn't give IVF a go? I don't know, but it doesn't matter to me now. I don't think I could reasonably have coped with being pregnant, giving birth (especially!) or raising a family. And I am fine with that. But it did take me a long time to be fine with it. Also autistic. which I think contributed to my MH issues.

@PickUpFullOfPinkCarnations oh some of what you say sounds a lot like me. I always thought it would happen just because it's 'normal' life. It's just the judgement on here I hate because for whatever reason we decided not you

You sound at peace with your situation and that’s a very comforting place to be OP

@InAMess2023 One thing I have learnt along the way is that there is no such thing as a normal life! Having said that, people have kids because they are expected to, they don't give any thought to whether they actually want them or not.

Why would anyone judge you for this? I don't want kids either. I have misophonia, I'm an introvert, I like being selfish and to be totally honest I just don't like children. I won't even sit near them in a restaurant never mind give birth to one and throw my whole existence into looking after it. Never been judged for it and even if I was who gives a fuck?

I'm a parent and would now reconsider solely on being able to sleep in, having a nice clean house and having way more money again. Probably most superficial reasons, bug any are valid imo

@InAMess2023

You shouldn't have to justify your reasons to anyone.

They are all valid reasons.

BUT, whose fucking business is it anyway? It's your life, your body, your relationships.

I am one of five, two of my siblings and many of my friends are child-free, I've never asked them why. If they chose to tell me, great, I would never ask, I would never even wonder.

I was brought up around many child-free women. I understood from a very young age that there were multitudinous reasons for women and men to be child free.

The majority of child-free people I was brought up around had made a positive choice. It was never seen as something that needed questioning.

My point being, if it's a conversation you need to have with yourself, great. Have that conversation.

But it's not, or ever, a conversation you need to have with anyone else (unless they're a prospective partner that may want children).

I don't see why you have to justify with reasons. If anything people should justify why they should have a baby. I doubt there are many people who would pass the test!

I think people need to read OPs thread that she started. When people gave their reasons for wanting children, which OP asked for, she dismissed some as not good enough and has taken offence at the reasons some people have given.

One poster said being a mum is the best feeling in the world, it’s fairly obvious that that is how that poster feels but that others will find more joy in other things. Another said they had kids as they wanted to see what a child of her and her husbands genes would be like, again that wasn’t ok with OP. ‘That reason isn’t much better’ OP said.

OP, you have twisted your own thread and I hope people go and read it and see for themselves.

Ultimately, no one should be judging anyone’s choices about whether to have children or not. I’m very aware how frustrating judgy comments can be to people who don’t have children, when not having them is still seen as in some way ‘abnormal’ by some people, but in this case, it was OP doing the judging.

@SeashellsAndSandyShores

100% agree. People need to read the thread the OP started - it seemed fine at first but then nothing anyone said was good enough

Not at all, they can be reinforcement of why it's a good outcome. Tbh anyone who's consistently thinking of "topping themselves" often or even worried about the effect on their body shouldn't be having kids anyway. Think you dodged a bullet OP. Children are hard work and extremely stressful and people should be more honest about it rather than spouting its something that everyone must do

I love your attitude, OP.

I would have liked to have met a man to spend my life with but it just didn't happen and I've had a great life. I don't see the point in moaning about what we don't have when we have so much.

Better to know all that now rather than having children and deciding it’s not what you want. Your reasons are valid. Your choices are valid.

Totally agree with all this!!

I regularly feel like I have I explain why we don’t want children, and I would say 75% of the time I am welcomed with ‘oh well you’re just selfish they aren’t valid reasons having children is the best thing ever you’ll never feel love like it’ 🙄

Not a lot of people will admit to it either, but quite a few in my friend group whilst they love their children, say they regretted their choice to have them.

People will disagree that no-one cares if you don’t have children, but that really isn’t the case. I am constantly asked when I will have children and the perplexed look when I give my reasons why not is baffling!

It’s a real change in life which we don’t want. Our life is perfect just us, so why change that? Adding a child for us would not enhance our lives. I prefer loving and having short spells with nieces/nephews and friends children 🥰

I'm childfree and often get asked when I'm going to have children or why I don't want children but I don't have a 'why', I just don't want children, like I don't want pets, I don't want to move to Germany, I don't want to be a chef, I don't want to learn Japanese... they're all great choices if that's what you want and there's no real reasons I don't want those things, I just don't. But people don't like the answer 'I just don't' and I always get 'but why?' Followed by all the reasons that apparently everyone should have at least one child.

So I post on the board for 'MNeters without children' as suggested on my initial thread and then have the same posters following me here to point out my failings.

How about ODFOD and take your kids to school

I get the “your selfish” comments all of the time, it grates as I often see having children as the selfish option.

people who can’t afford children but they have them anyway. People who are in bad relationships but have a child to save it. People who are worried about not having someone to look after them when they are old.

It's just the judgement on here I hate because for whatever reason we decided not you

This thread was obviously prompted by the thread you started as you quoted a persons answer from that thread. I didn’t see anyone on that thread judging you for not having children, quite the opposite in fact, you and another poster were the ones judging people for the answers they gave to the question that you asked.

I’d stick up for anyone getting negative comments about not having children, I think we need to get past the thinking that having kids is the ‘obvious’ path in life, but that is not what happened on that thread. It was you judging and being sarcastic about people’s reasons for having children that you asked for, at least up until when I posted my previous comments on this thread, I haven’t read it since.