Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

@SeashellsAndSandyShores and this is why I moved my discussion to people who may understand where I'm coming from. How about go back there?

I'm not sure why you feel the need to list all your reasons, if you can't have them anyway? Like you're trying to justify it? Who cares? As long as you're happy, which it seems as though you are?

@Princesspollyyy because there's a big difference? I could be unable to have them and be desperate to have them hence my curiosity about what people are willing to put themselves through. I could possibly have my own via incredibly expensive and invasive means but I don't want to

I was reading that thread, and almost posted to defend OP but couldn't be bothered arguing last night. The post about being curious about the genetic mix was disgusting IMO, I quite agree with OP that is such a weird reason to bring a life into the world.

OP, I get you and you are valid.

@MissRheingold you are a cruel woman and that was a cruel uninformed post

"I don't want to" is the only and best reason you need not to have children. And in some ways the more trivial the reason the more it proves that it's the right choice. Being childfree isn't proof that you're selfish, but really selfish people shouldn't have kids.

An acquaintance of mine claimed that she didn't want children because she liked her front room pristine with a white sofa. I suspected she wasn't telling the truth, but if she was then that was an absolutely valid reason, because if you don't want children more than you want a tidy front room then you shouldn't have children. Another friend, who I genuinely like, and is a wonderful primary school teacher, said she didn't want them because she "really needs her sleep." If you don't want children more than you want 8 hours sleep then you don't want children enough that you should have them. (That doesn't mean that you can't complain about nightmare non-sleepers though).

It sounds like your other thread was extremely ill judged and offensive though. It's all very well for Childfree MNers to be a haven to not be slagged off for being selfish, but the rest of MN should be a haven from being judged for childbearing.

Ok great. Well done. I'm glad you're happy 😃

Speaking as a mother I’d say I 100% think your reasons are both valid and understandable. No judgement here at all.

I would say that, from your subsequent posts it sounds to me as if it’s yourself you’re trying to convince, not others.

You get that posters without children aren’t only allowed to post on the “Mners without children’ board, right? And that this post just came up on ‘Active’? No one is stalking you.

And frankly, you said enormously insensitive and ignorant things about adoption on your other thread, and then got crabby when people pulled you up on them. Are you normally this bad-tempered? Why would other childfree people be judging you for the reasons you wouldn’t want to have children, even if you were able?

@HarkHarkBark your last sentence is absolutely vile to be quite honest. I was told on that thread to post here instead then have the same posters come and pick me apart

Nobody has followed you here, I only came across this thread as it came up on my 'active' threads. I've actually never seen this board before, I genuinely didn't know it was a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have seen people all the usual negative comments and questions for daring to choose life without kids. People lose their mind sometimes about someone they hardly know choosing a different path. It’s very wrong.

But I think you have misrepresented that thread by mentioning it and saying you’re sick of the judgement, it implies people were judging you, and that’s not what was happening on that thread. I hope people read it for themselves. This was a thread where a you, as a person without children, told people with children, that their reasons for having children were not good enough.

I don’t doubt that you’ve received judgement IRL and on mumsnet probably, I’ve seen comments like that and spoke up and in some cases reported them. It wasn’t the case on your thread though. You were doing the very thing that you hate others doing to you, judging the choices of others.

Not sure if MNetters with children are allowed to post but it also came up in my active feed.

Perfectly valid reasons. My youngest is in the sixth form and, much as I love them, I'm fed up of having to chivy them to get places on time, wash, cook and run around after them.

I'm looking forward to fewer chores and more freedom when they leave home. I have several childfree friends and they've had great lives, lots of holidays and time for hobbies without feeling you have to rush back all the time.

There you go again. There’s nothing ‘vile’ about my last sentence. You said on your other thread that you were unable to have children, but definitely didn’t want them. You’re now on a sub board populated chiefly by other people who don’t have and/or don’t want children — why would anyone be judging your reasons for not wanting children here? Any reason for not wanting a child is valid, and you’re mostly among people who feel as you do here.

All entirely valid reasons. I enjoy being a mum but I enjoy a lot of other things too. I can't say being a mum feels that great when one of my kids pukes all over the carpet in the middle of the night or the many times I was scrubbing their pants during potty training or when I was feeding them at 3am while feeling so touched out I could scream. Like most things in life, being a parent incorporates a huge swathe of feelings, good and bad.

Good luck to you.

@HarkHarkBark my reasons for not wanting children are exactly the same regardless of wether I'm able or not to have them. It doesn't need you to bring up that fact though

Why is something that needs discussing in the first place? Some people want children, others don't. End of.

Oh and the apparent valid reasons that I questioned on my other thread included a curiosity to see how their genetics were passed on. So no.

@titchy maybe an online discussion forum isn't the place for you then 🙄

OP your whole post and replies are purposely inflammatory. Why, of all the forums in the world do you choose to post on a parenting website? And I don't care there is a section for non-mums. This site is predominately for mums ( clue is in the name).

You enjoy being argumentative don't you? Are you like this in 'real life'? You seem to relish in victimising yourself and accusing others of being vile to you ( haven't seen a single post like this)

You choosing not to have children seems like the correct decision.

@InAMess2023 I posted a thread recently asking why people had tried for their first baby. 80% of the responses were overwhelmingly contraception failure, or they had reached the stage in their relationship where it was the next stage (i.e. 'the done thing'). One person made a big deal about 'loving her husband so much she needed to create someone that was a mix of them'. Yuk. I didn't relate to any of their reasons. I suspect you've ruffled feathers by calling people out on this and making them examine their own reasons, and probably finding them sorely lacking.

In my experience, most people who are parents thought about their decision a lot less than those of us who are CF, whether by choice or otherwise

Jesus Christ, the vitriol! Do you kiss your kids with that mouth? And bore off with your 'it's MUMSnet' pish, we've heard it all before

OK. Respectfully, if you’re not entirely ok with not being able to have children, and it sounds as if you may not be, there are also posters on this board who are involuntarily childless, or whose decision not to have children wasn’t a straightforward one, even if they ultimate recognise it was the right thing for them.

Ask for support if you need it, rather than biting the heads off people who are only basing their replies on information you have given in this post and your other one, where you say very definitely that you can’t have children but are very sure you wouldn’t have wanted them in any case.

@muckcook another reason I don't want kids. In case they turn out to be nasty vindictive people like you

I agree with @SeashellsAndSandyShores. You have implied you were judged on your thread and you were not. You were judging others, you asked a question and then said posters reasons were not good enough for you. That’s a shitty thing to do and ironic too, as you’re complaint is people judging your reasons to not have children.

As a mother of three (also autistic) the best feeling in the world may be being a mother but it’s also the very, very worst.

when your child is ill, or has problems. For me the constant anxiety of worrying about three humans that I created and have responsibility for.

it’s TWENTY TWENTY FOUR you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.