Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

I dont blame you dont have a child/children if you dont want them.
I dont like responsibility for anyone other than myself.
However i did have 2 children myself but they're all adults now and i dont have that responsibility anymore its freedom to just look out for me and do me things now.
Im always gonna be a parent but i dont parent anymore.
Has time has gone on and my own children have got older i somehow didnt like little ones around me.
And i dont have to spend money anymore on schools clothes anything other than me.

My best mate says no matter what you do as woman you will get criticised.
No child= why not? What’s wrong with you?
One child= you evil woman, they’ll be lonely !
Two children = not enough, why don’t you want more?
Three children = three’s a crowd!
Four children = don’t you have a TV?
Five or more= definite benefit scrounger!

Surely my lack of response to the first time you ask indicates that I didn't wish to answer that for you.

Bizarre post. A bit like not getting invited somewhere yet scrutinising and justifying it 'well its crap anyway, im glad i didnt go'.

I have a child and he visited 9 countries before his 5th birthday. Silly reason.

I get more joy out of saving money for his future than my shopping habits.

My parents are still in full time employment so dont do as much as other grandparents - more time for me.

A mortgage or business can tie you to an ex for years, not just a child.

Maternity pay - you adjust shopping habits to save and make this period more comfortable.

Fear of ending up a single mother and struggling financially and mentally would be top of my list

Ah but you can't be a benefit scrounger anymore as you only get benefits for 2 children unless they were born before 2017. ☺️

There's a crowd? 😂 not heard that one before with regards to having three children. Interesting.

Why would you get roasted?

All seems very reasonable.

If you're looking for validation, this mum of 3 approves!

Go live your life and have fun!

I love my life, I chose to be a mum and have zero regrets and also have fun. Different fun, but fun all the same!

It's okay :)

@InAMess2023

Why not? It's just a normal straight forward question? Why are you so angry?

You don't need to justify why you don't want children. Your reasons don't even have to be "valid" either. I don't want to is enough.

Bizarre post. A bit like not getting invited somewhere yet scrutinising and justifying it 'well its crap anyway, im glad i didnt go'.
*
^^this!!!!*

It's your decision, all your reasons are valid. We have contraception available and no woman has to have children if they don't want to like they would have in the past. Worst thing you could do is have a child you don't want

All and any reasons for not wanting to have children are equally valid as the only reason you need is you just don't want to!

That said, all your reasons seem pretty sensible to me. Actually wanting children is a pretty illogical thing if you think about it. It's not a rational decision but one based on a gut emotion.

Having children can be the most wonderful experience of your life IF YOU WANT THEM. Equally, if you don't want them it would be the worst thing to ever happen to you.

OP, maternity is not compulsory! I would question the motives of those giving you a hard time, their attitude points to their own insecurity about their personal choices. You seem to be content with your choices and that's all that matters.

@Princesspollyyy the other one my best mate quotes is you should only have the number of children you can fit in your car as if you can’t just buy a new quote. She loves overhearing ridiculous judgments. She is child free and always tells people she’s happy with her choice but it doesn’t seem to stop them prying.

I'm not angry. I'm neurodiverse and I struggly to communicate effectively. HTH

I love that one ☺️

All valid, but remember, but don't have to have any reasons or justify it to anyone. it is only your business and decision (perhaps with the exception if you have a partner, you need to agree either way).

OP didn't ask for her reasons to be countered. go elsewhere to preach about motherhood.

Agree. Maybe have a look what board you're posting on.

Having read through the rest of the thread, I would like to say, OP, that while no one has the right to judge you or question your reasons for not wanting children, equally you do not have the right to judge or question their reasons for wanting children.

If having had those children they do not love and care for them, then fine judge away. I would be right there with you. But if those children are loved and cared for, their parents reasons for having them are pretty much irrelevant and none of your business.

I think you are being unnecessarily harsh about whatever poster said the comment about mixing DNA. If you were to base having kids v no kids on purely logical and financial reasons it overwhelmingly supports having no kids. There are no real good reasons to have kids and it tends to come down to a biological desire to reproduce. I think this is why most people struggle to answer the question “why did you have them” because no-one says “I fancied several years of sleep deprivation, near financial ruin, way too many hours spent at softplay in exchange for the occasional cuddle” which is the reality (for me at least).

You seem to be looking for proper justifications for people having children and I don’t think you’ll ever get one. I really do think it boils down to either wanting them or not. And you don’t have to justify either choice to anyone.

All entirely legitimate reasons as far as I am concerned.

It's also OK for a woman to say having children is the best think that ever happened to her.

I agree about the DNA thing. It wasn't the reason I decided to have a kid, but it was definitely of interest! Of course people considering parenthood will think of sensible reasons and fun reasons.

I maintain I had a kid for the constant supply of hoodies.

Not at all. When you tell people that you can't have children you tend to get "helpful" comments about everything from sperm donation to adoption.
If you say you just don't want children enough to go through ivf or whatever you get judged as not a proper woman, missing out on The Best Love Ever (TM). And all the usual crap that we childfree women have to go through until we reach the blissful stage of being too old to have kids.....

Oh and then there are the comments like "well it isn't for everyone" and "I understand as it's such a big responsibility " which is just another way of saying we're defective for not wanting them.