Probably get roasted but I need to rant

[InAMess2023]

On the back of my other threads. Ok it turns out I can't have children but I actually wasn't sure I wanted them before that and now I'm a million percent sure. My reasons are as follows and I just wanted to get them out there. Judge away I expect it. In no particular order (I'm also autistic by the way)

• I don't have a great relationship with my body so having a baby will ruin it further
• if the relationship doesn't last you've still got something tying you together
• maternity leave aka not willing to cut my earnings significantly after 6 weeks
• relationship with my own mum who is not maternal and wouldn't want usual Grandma duties
• love of exotic expensive holidays that would have to stop
• shopping habits that I don't want to give up
• lifestyle - I do what I want when I want
• lack of sleep
• after 25 years of mental health problems a genuine fear that I might try and top myself

Sure there's more but felt I needed to write it down after comments on other threads 'the best feeling in the world is to be a mother' I just wanted to get it out there. Seriously if you'd trust me with any maternal feelings especially after the last one I'd worry for you

You don't have to justify it, it's fine. Children are an enormous responsibility and lots can go wrong. You don't just stop worrying about them once they turn 18, there is no finishing line. I'm glad l had mine but l totally respect why some women don't want them.

OP was told to post in the MNers without children section, and she did, and you all came over here and continue to berate her. I totally agree with @LoobyDop that OP doesn't need to do anything you say - she's not your child. I read the original thread and have a different perspective on it. Yes OP clearly has some communication difficulties, and while ASD isn't an excuse for everything, your relentless badgering is now bordering on bullying. Best to back off now I think

Yea one person said I should check the subject im on...

Lets wrap it up here. You cant have children which is unfortunate. But by your own findings have many reasons where if it was possible, you wouldnt. Great. Have a peaceful day x

It’s not bullying to point out hypocrisy. She wants her choices accepted and they absolutely should be. But so should the posters choices on the other thread. They didn’t deserve how OP treated them, maybe that was deemed bullying as the thread was deleted by mumsnet.

We all need to accept others choices and reasons if they offer them when asked, about having children. That includes OP.

but isn’t that exactly what you are saying? That you do not want children even if you were able to have them? I’m confused as to why it’s “unnecessary” when it’s the a central bit of your post?

i guess I don’t see what is judgemental about any of those things. It’s just what they think. If someone said to me, oh, you don’t know what you’re missing out on by not having a dog, you’ll never know love and companionship like it, I would just think, nah it’s not for me thanks.

same if someone said that I MUST have a second child, I couldn’t possibly understand what it is like seeing the love siblings have for each other….how is that judgemental? It is just their opinion, which I happen to think is bollocks.

i think that you feel these statements are judgemental or cruel because they make you feel a negative emotion. And I think you experience a negative emotion because you haven’t deep down accepted the fact of not having children; which is also why you seem very fixated on writing about your reasons not to want children. I think if you were 100% accepting of your choices and situation, you wouldn’t feel that people were judging you and you wouldn’t feel the need to write about it online.

You dont have to have reasons or share them. I'm not sure what this post is about really. But if you don't want kids, for whatever reason, don't have them. It's no one else's business and most people aren't really interested.

It’s not bullying to point out hypocrisy. She wants her choices accepted and they absolutely should be. But so should the posters choices on the other thread. They didn’t deserve how OP treated them, maybe that was deemed bullying as the thread was deleted by mumsnet.

We all need to accept others choices and reasons if they offer them when asked, about having children. That includes OP.

I agree 100%.

She posted as she wanted to understand but then was awful to people when they answered. She then came to this part of the board, which is primarily for those without children, to make false claims and manipulate what was said. Of course, anyone’s words that were twisted or anyone who was spoken to very rudely by OP on the now deleted thread, are told to leave this part of mumsnet as it’s not for them, this is a safe space etc. It feels very manipulative.

I fully support having this section on mumsnet, when it was first suggested, I supported it and still do now. But I don’t agree with what OP did.

Ahh no mention of the way I was attacked from the beginning of the other thread no? I even said in my OP I wasn't being goady and was genuinely curious but within a handful of comments (without me even replying!) I was called ignorant, goady, and told to piss off. Yes I got upset and have openly stated that I have some difficulties in communication but there was no need for those responses to a genuine question.

Most of us haven’t read the original thread.

I for one am glad you’re in a good place regarding having/not having children OP.

As pp have said, nobody should be judged either way.

Maybe best to let this thread drop out of trending now. (Which I’m not helping by posting 😂)

Most of us haven’t read the original thread.
I for one am glad you’re in a good place regarding having/not having children OP.

Agree with this.

Thing is, the way you attack everyone comes across as you being really not okay with your situation.
Your first couple of posts say "massive chip on shoulder".

@cheeseyeasy my first response was to someone being incredibly rude. My second was agreeing with someone.

Ahh no mention of the way I was attacked from the beginning of the other thread no? I even said in my OP I wasn't being goady and was genuinely curious but within a handful of comments (without me even replying!) I was called ignorant, goady, and told to piss off. Yes I got upset and have openly stated that I have some difficulties in communication but there was no need for those responses to a genuine question.

I’ve got screen shots of the thread.

Saying you’re not being goady but then being goady doesn’t make it ok.

There were people saying you were being offensive from the start. I didn’t agree with that and saw other people say that too. To me, it’s ok to ask as long as you listen. Many posters gave their reasons in good faith and you said it wasn’t good enough. The poster explained some more and you said ‘that’s no better’.

Many posters really did try to be kind, patient and explain to you. Again you were rude, one poster correctly identified that you were autistic and was incredibly kind to you but in the end even that poster thought you were rude by refusing to not listen and accept posters reasons.

There was no one judging you for not having children, they did judge your behaviour on the thread.

You don’t think people should question the choice to not have children. I agree. However, you think it’s ok to question why people have children. That’s hypocritical.

You also don’t think that if you do explain why you don’t want children, that your reasons shouldn’t be questioned. I agree. However, you think it’s ok to question the reasons that people give for having children.

Can you really not see the double standards here?

I took the issue to the correct board as advised. I'm not going to engage any further and derail.

And if you genuinely have screenshots from a thread that no longer exists, that means you took them with the purpose of keeping them for reason of future reference. Can I please, kindly, suggest you get a hobby?

Many good points made by previous posters. I have a child, and am sure that’s right FOR ME. But it’s also really, really hard. Hard enough that even people who desperately wanted a child can be damn near broken by it. If you aren’t committed to being a parent, then deciding NOT to be one seems like an incredibly responsible thing to do. I’m all for having children to only be done by people who really want to, and who want to put in the hard work of actually parenting said child/ren. if I hadn’t had my support network I’d have been a terrible mother, and I actually really wanted my child. If I hadn’t, I’d have been a terrible parent regardless.

OP needs to understand that she was rude to posters. She understands it’s rude to question and not accept people’s reasons for not wanting children, but has done the same herself just the other way around and sees no issue.

As the OP is a fully functioning adult she can make her own choices about whether she wants to be rude or not.
She does not need you to help her understand. This isn't primary school. Although sometimes on here I do wonder.

I took the issue to the correct board as advised. I'm not going to engage any further and derail.

But you mislead people as already stated. Of course you don’t want to engage, because there’s no defence for how you acted. That’s ok, hopefully you’ve learnt to be more accepting, like you want acceptance.

And if you genuinely have screenshots from a thread that no longer exists, that means you took them with the purpose of keeping them for reason of future reference. Can I please, kindly, suggest you get a hobby?

I take screen shots of any threads I report. I wouldn’t have mentioned it only you posted on here and I agreed with posters saying you were the judgemental one.

Then you must be reading a different thread, or projecting, or just being a goady fucker and trying to start an argument.

It's all in the thread. No projecting at all.

If you would like to do that, then crack on. It's Al,oat like this is a free country and an open forum where people can (within reason) post what they want.

As the OP is a fully functioning adult she can make her own choices about whether she wants to be rude or not.
She does not need you to help her understand. This isn't primary school. Although sometimes on here I do wonder.

Yes, but people will obviously call you out for being rude.

If someone told a poster without children that their reasons for not having kids weren’t good enough, I’d call them rude and call them out on it too.

It’s discussed on here a lot so many of the mumsnet gets without children obviously agree with that. Hopefully the majority can see it’s just as unacceptable when it’s the other way around.

I’m in the same boat. I often read articles written by childless women who complain about people being judgemental but I’m 61, thin skinned and have NEVER had anyone being remotely critical because I never had kids. People are too busy thinking about their own life choices I think than to fret about others! Have them don’t have them, nobody really cares.

@daliesque yes... So i posted what i liked.. free country and all that ❣️

Completely reasonable OP. I suspect my DD will be liken you. Mental health problems associated with body dysmorphia due to a medical condition. I just can't see her having children. And that's fine.
Please don't feel you must justify anything x

What I want to know is why saying "it's not for everyone" is offensive.