Advice please, Im desparate!

[ficam]

Hello, I am a newly registered childminder and am having real problems with a little boy who started with me 4 weeks ago.

He is 2 next month and at first seemed really good as he parted from mum without a problem. The problem came when I took on another child the week after he started. The other child is just one and the little boy basically screams the place down when ever the baby is near him. He is constantly craving my attention even when we're alone, he is making my days a bit of a misery as I cant even go to get a drink from the kitchen without him having a tantrum at the gate.

I've tried talking to mum, but there is always an excuse tiredness, teething, under the weather. I've asked about a comforter but he has no special toy or anything and he gets in such a state everything is just thrown in a rage anyway.

I wouldnt mind so much if he was just upset but its the anger he shows if Im not giving him 100% attention all the time. Even if he's sitting on my lap thats not good enough, he has to be climbing on me trying to get closer and closer.

Had a visit from prospecive parents 2 weeks ago with their one year old and he screamed the whole way through even though I sat with him all the time. Suprise suprise they didnt call back.

I really dont know what to do, I want to persevere but its wearing me out as is very bad for business.

Please help.

ficam I feel your pain

Couple of questions

1. Was he ok before the other one started or was he very clingy then as well?

2. Is he an only child?

3. Does he still come to you ok on am handover?

4. Is he clingy with mum as well?

I think for the moment I would arrange prospective visits when this mindee isn't with you, but explain that you have a LO that is still a bit clingy ATM, until things calm down a little.

Thanks for your reply.

1. He was a bit clingy before the other one started but I thought that was only natural as it was the first time he had been left. He wasnt angry in the way he is now even when it is just the 2 of us.

2)Yes he is an only child so probably gets lots of attention at home.

3)Yes when he comes in in the morning if the other child isnt there he will just sit down and start playing. If the other child is there he just cries as soon as he comes in.

4)He doesnt seem to be clingy to mum, he doesnt even look at her when she's leaving. Adults seem to be more of a possesion than anything else which worries me. He doesnt seem particularly attached to anyone, just wants attention from whichever adult will give it.

At the moment taking on any other children seems to fill me with dread. I had a friend over this morning with her 2 children aged 3.5 and just 2 and he screamed from the minute he saw the children to the minute he fell asleep through exhaustion. He even threw a wooden toy at one of the children barely missing her head.

Sounds to be as though he is jelous of the other child/children. Do you meet up with other minders? Does he act the same way when out with them due to other children perhaps wanting you attention.
Needs to learn to share attention. It will take a while. Be consistent. Try to ignore tantrums, screaming. Walk awaw so that such behaviour gets zero attention. Then give lots of attention when the screaming stops.

Do you go out in the mornings? Try to get into a routine that works for both of them, I always find its easier if i'm out in the mornings, home for lunch, then both sleep, then snack then not long till home time.
Its still early days, be consistent in your approach, try to distract the child before the screaming starts, be aware of what is setting it off.
Try using a teddy that you talk to when he is quiet, telling teddy how lovely he is to cuddle when he's cross,give him the teddy to cuddle, when he screams tell him teddy doesn't like it, i'm sure you get the drift!!
Try to get him to help you with the baby, get some dolls out and play with them together. But get out of the house its always easier to deal with the noise while walking to the park or anywhere!!

Thank you. I know I have to persevere but sometimes it does get you down. I do get out every day and meet friends with children and other minders. Thing is this child is very babyish for his age and doesnt seem to understand simple instructions. I would say he is definately more like a 13 or 14 month old needs feeding, not much speech etc so I think alot of it is frustration. The friend that came today had given me the same advice as you when I told her about this child, then when she met him today she couldnt believe it! She said I know you said he cried all day but I didnt realise you were suffering this much!! Like I said its the anger he shows that worries me.

I suppose I will keep going and try to keep my patience!

Thanks for the kind advice.

God, don't know if I'm going to get flamed for this but have you tried "telling him off". What I mean by that is if he is at the gate screaming say something like "now DC name, that's a funny noise, do you want me to play with you? Just say ficam, no need for all this noise" etc. Then distract. An alternative would be to be a bit former depending on his temprement, but sometimes this can make cross children, crosser. Something lik "no X we do not make a noise like that" then distract.

If that fails ignoring may be your only answer but if he is new to you and not settled yet I would use this as a last resort TBH. You could also try getting him to help you with the other children ie. "can you get me a nappy" etc which might make him fell more involved?

If he is throwing toys them a firm no. Going out might help as may going to a regular toddler group where he can see other children to get used to them but they aren't your children so they shouldn't be impacting on your time with him. If that makes sense? I'm a bit tired!

Whatever approach be consistent and try and stick with it; if he has been slow to settle the last thing he needs is to be sent somewhere else. I know it's hard but do your best!

Good Luck.

oh also just remembered another one you could try expaining where you are going all the time. ie "I'm just going in the kitchen for a drink, here you read this book" etc.

Just saw your last post - what do you mean by needs feeding?

Sorry not back sooner, but agree with other posters, it sounds like it might be a long haul, I had one who screemed, no tears or anger, just wanted to sit on knee, if anyone left the room even a mindee he would go mental, I almost gave notice but perseverance paid off, each time he started a firm "no" and just walked away, left for a while then gave mindee a toy, didnt pick up or get to close just sat near and started playing it took 2 months but now this little one is an angel and a joy to look after.

I also find asking parents to do the same so they have consistency is the best way if the parent will work with you. This one I had did the same at home, mum even went to the loo with child too and at 20mths thats a bit over the top.

At the end of the day you also have to consider the impact that this mindee has on you physically and emotionally, your other charges and your family and business if you feel that the stress is too much then you should give yourself a time frame, at least then in your mind you will know that by X date I'll be sorted either way, phsycologically it will lift your stress levels a little.

Get as much support as you can from other minders in your area, try to get out as much as you can, this will also help the little to learn how to interact with other children. Another thing that helps is to have some background music on it can be a distraction to the child and a kind of security blanket as well.

Good Luck, let us know how you get on.

Thank you for all the advice. It is much appreciated. I think I had just had a particularly stressful day with him yesterday and once you both get on that downward spiral its hard to get back up.

I dont have him til Thurs now (only 2 days a week thank God but I think it does make it alot more difficult) I will be prepared, patient, cheery and have lots of caffiene to keep me going for the day and use all my experience and know how to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good hmm!!

I will let you now how Thurs goes.

Also spoke to Mum yesterday and he is the same at home, she's given up on having friends over but does try to get to toddler groups and places for him to socialise. I think she's on my side which is half the battle!