Childminders - how best to deal with this situation?

[Swaliswan]

My CM's DD bit my DD last week. I don't know exactly how my CM dealt with the situation. All I know is that my DD was playing with a pushchair at a toddler group, the CM's DD tried to take the pushchair off of her, my DD refused to let go so the CM's DD bit her. Obviously I'm not exactly happy that the situation was allowed to develop in the first place but what really bothers me now is that my DD is resisting being dropped off at the CM's. We saw the CM's DD today at church and my DD couldn't back away from her and hide behind me quick enough. I asked her why she didn't want to play with the CM's DD and she said "pushchair, my play" when I asked her what she meant, she said "round, round, up, down" (she was pushing the pushchair around a little slope and stair circuit) and then pointed to her teeth and the bite mark on her arm. She clearly is saying that she doesn't want to play with the CM's DD because of the biting incident. How do I approach the problem with my CM?

Whn a situation like this arises, first of all the CM must record it in her accident/incident book and discuss/ask you to sign it and you get a copy when you pick up your daughter.

She should have apologised at least and put steps in place to avoid this happening again.

If she hasnt done the above, Im afraid you have to sit her done and ask why.

Good luck and hope your daughter is ok

Agree with coolj, I was in exactly situation..my dd (I'm a cm) biten (sp?) one of my mindee over a book I think, god she was quick and couldn't do nothing to stop it..(it was the first time my dd had biten another little one)..As soon as it happened, I took away the little girl and confortated her and told off my dd...
Then I have recorded it in the accident/incident book and made them sign...and then I must have spend a good 15 minutes apologizing to the parents when they came to pick up their dd..I was mortified and upset in their behalf..It happened once to dd1 and it's upsetting so I can understand.

Sorry your DD has been biten and now frightened. Did your CM not apologise and try to reassure you how she would deal with things from now on?

I'm a CM and when I was new to childminding, my ds1 went through a phase of biting. I was MORTIFIED He once bit a mindee really hard leaving teeth marks and I felt terrible!! I filled out the accident/incident book and gave a copy of it to the parent, apologised LOTS and reassured her that I'd keep an extra special eye on him and if he did it again, I'd remove him from the situation and he'd have 'time out' to think about what he was doing. I'd explain how it's not nice, hurts etc etc. and made sure he was aware that I found this behaviour unacceptable! He also had to say sorry to the child and give them a kiss and cuddle. It was horrible (really horrible) being a childminder whose own child did this and I couldn't wait for the phase to stop. It wasn't my parenting that made him a biter, it was just an unfortunate phase that he went through and it was my job to teach him that this wasn't on! At toddler groups I kept a very close eye and if there was any conflict, I'd be there like a shot!

If your CM did really apologise then I imagine she feels really awful and is about the whole thing. If she didn't seem bothered then I'd find that odd.

Fast forward 4 years and I now have a little mindee of mine going through a phase (she's started hitting but once looked like she was about to bite). I do and will do the same as I did with my ds1 and try and nip it in the bud asap.

Toddlers do go through a phase of grabbing toys and sometimes lashing out and if it was a one off then I wouldn't remove the child from their care or anything (could just as well be your child hurting others) BUT it really depends on how it's all being managed imo. At the moment I have 4 children aged 2 and under 3 days a week and the 3 girls always want the same things. In particular, my little 18 month old has just started trying to grab toys off whoever has them (doesn't matter what it is, if they have it, she wants it!!) and this week hit me in the face whilst I was trying to help the situation and explain she can't just take. The next day she tried to take something and hit the 2 year old in the face. This child is a lovely sweet little thing but she's just going through that horrible phase. All we can do is try and distract, explain what isn't acceptable and why, and hope it doesn't last too long.

I'm sorry your dd has become frightened by it. Is this just a one off? I've never had any children put off coming because they got hurt by another child Could there be more to it? Could the other child be doing other things? How did your CM seem about the whole situation?

Many children bite and unless your cm is hovering every second of the day, you just have to appreciate it happens.
How old is your Dd?
She will get over it!

How many days does your lo go to the cm? My daughter was bitten at her day nursery when she was about 2 and she too developed this thing where every time I dropped her off she started crying and saying she didn't want to see the girl who did the biting. I spk to the nursery staff and they reassured me they would keep an extra eye on her but also advised that because she only went 2 days a week, everything that happened during that short period of time was magnified because she didn't have the rest of the week in the nursery environment to forget about the incident. Anyway, although it was distressing for me, it was a phase that soon passed and she ended up becoming good friends with the biter!! The main thing I would say is not to make a big deal of it in front of your daughter - play it down. I would just go and and have a chat with the cm and tell her about your lo's response and see what strategies she intends to use to manage the situation. Tbh, I felt better just discussing it with nursery staff and knowing they were aware and would keep an extra close eye on my child.

Biting and hitting and other unwanted behaviours are part of the course I'm afraid. The parents of the biter feel just as bad about the whole thing as the parents of the child who was bitten. These things can happen very quickly and it is sometimes just not possible to intervene fast enough to stop it happening.
Talk to cm and make sure you are happy with how she intends to deal with any challenging behaviour.

A bit OT to your situation...

My son was a horrendous biter (before me cm days luckily) and I can't tell you how mortified I was by it I AM a good parent, with years and years of preschooler experience and I found it SO hard to deal with. He had a severe speech delay and just couldn't make himself understood, his defence mechanism was to bite. He even got banned from a local toddler group as he bit two children!!! With good behaviour management and very quick reflexes we got it under control very very quickly but it WAS the WORST aspect of parenthood I have yet had to deal with.

What was the worst was other peoples reactions and the blame that was placed on your parenting skills.

Try not to be to hard on your cm....Give her a chance to deal with it. Your dd will remember for a short time but she will get over it. Sadly lots of little ones are biters or are bitten at some point.

I used to CM a biter. His parents told me to bite him back.

sorry to hear your DD has been bitten

i think you need to accept that she will probably be bitten / hit / kicked / snatched off etc many many more times...

and in time she will be the one kicking / hitting / biting / snacthing other children.

IMO this is one of the reason why we socialise our children, with others at friends houses / nursarys / toddler groups etc etc so that they can learn how to behave appropriatley

Its just a phase that many toddlers go through, and so long as at the time the child who did it was told off appropiately you just need to forget about it and move on

Sorry that I haven't been back on since my OP. I just wanted to clarify that my initial response was to be thankful that it wasn't the other way round and that toddlers will be toddlers. I know that my hormones are all over the place still (DD2 is 9 weeks old) and this makes anything bad happening to my PFB seem so much worse.

My main concern though was about how the CM manages their relationship and teaches them how to develop a loving and kind relationship. Obviously it is very hard for the CM's DD to have my DD coming in and sharing her toys and mummy. What really bothers me though is how the CM responds to her DD when she shoves/snatches from my DD (which happens extremely frequently). The CM may tell her DD 'no' but doesn't really mean it as she lets her DD carry on regardless. This upsets my DD and then my DD gets told to not make a fuss and gets more told off than her DD! I have witnessed this so many times and it is clear now why the CM's DD is continuing to behave in the same way. I know that two year olds are notoriously bad at sharing, especially their own toys, because they see their toys as an extension of themselves. But, I have seen my DD in many group situations where sharing is an issue and they have always been handled better than the CM handles her DD. I wonder if the CM is compensating for her DD having to share her mummy?

Sorry to rant, I was aware that I probably sounded very naive in my first post and wanted to clarify things!