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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au Pair Not speaking - help!

32 replies

redhen · 27/04/2008 10:37

Help! Have au pair just arrived yesterday from France. Trying very hard to involve and make her feel welcome but though she follows us around she is just not speaking at all. Her English is poor but my DH and I both speak good French and are making a real effort to speak lots and lots to her in French as well as basic English - but her replies are monosylabbic. She doesn't speak to children at all and hasn't really bothered to play with them. Just don't know what to do - only 24 hours in and I am really worried that its all a big mistake. We have had nannies and mothers helps before with various levels of english ability but all were happy to play with kids even if their language skills were poor... would love to hear from anybody who had maybe a similar experience and turned it around!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sleepycat · 27/04/2008 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMySonAndI · 27/04/2008 10:45

It may be the shock, particularly if hse has not been on her "own" before. I think you are doing great by trying to make her feel at home, continue with that and hopefully she will feel more confident/settled soon.

BradfordMum · 27/04/2008 14:03

I think you're doing really well by trying to kae her feel at home, HOWEVER, I think that she too should be trying to make an equal effort. After all, first impressions count and she's not made a very good one so far. When will she be on her own, so to speak, without you there to speak french to her?

Sally x

ScienceTeacher · 27/04/2008 14:09

Is she being very Gallic? We have had three French aupairs, and they do tend to be very laid back and unperturbed.

I know she is here to learn English, but could perhaps the children ask her to teach them a song in French? If she does not respond to this, she may not be aupair material.

Our French aupairs have all been very good with the children, and happy to play with them and cook for them.

HarrietTheSpy · 27/04/2008 16:56

She could be homesick...or in shock as to what being an au pair actually might entail...not to scare you. Give it a week and then have a chat.

ingles2 · 27/04/2008 22:03

Give it a couple of days but if she is not making an effort then I'm afraid you'll have to think about moving her on.

Original poster

redhen · 29/04/2008 10:56

thanks for all of your messages and good advice, I took her to language school yesterday and despite her assurance that she has 7 years of english study they assessed her English skills as pretty much non-existent, it transpires that her aunt (who she now tells me lives in UK) wrote her application letter...all a bit tricky - I guess its a lesson for me also!

OP posts:

ingles2 · 29/04/2008 11:35

definitely... so what you going to do Redhen?
Is she talking to you in French yet?

Bink · 29/04/2008 11:38

If the aunt wrote the application letter, maybe the whole au pairing was the aunt's (or other family) idea and not the girl's?

I would schedule a supper with her (no children) and ask her all kinds of friendly but searching questions - my money I'm afraid is on her not wanting to do this at all & wanting to be out asap.

HarrietTheSpy · 29/04/2008 14:01

I think it's really bad she lied about the language. It's a pretty fundamental thing to be accurate about!! I would consider moving her on.

laura032004 · 29/04/2008 18:00

In the girls defence, I have theoretically studied German for 3 years, and French for 5, but couldn't really speak either language. I know how to ask for directions to the beach, and other useful things, but that's about it!

Is she playing with your children or interacting with them yet? My current ap didn't really bother much with DS1 from the start, and never really has. I had to have a 'try or die' conversation with her, to get her to work a bit harder on him. It has improved things, but she really enjoys it here and wouldn't have wanted to return early.

Is the aunt nearby? Could she go to her? Do you need her to have good English (will she have any sole charge time?)?

NotABanana · 29/04/2008 18:50

I would have thought she would need good English, Laura032004, as how else can she speak to the children?

laura032004 · 29/04/2008 19:27

Not all ap's arrive with good, or even any English. That's why they come. However, you have a right to expect the standard that they say they have. My point was just that she might have studied for 7 years, and still have little useful English. It depends what sort of study, how long ago.....

My neighbours last ap arrived with virtually no English, and was pretty fluent with the help of bi-weekly English classes less than 6 months later.

Re speaking to the children, it depends upon their ages. Although my ap arrived with good English, my DS1 couldn't understand her as she didn't speak the way I do, and she couldn't understand him - not 'Queens English' and he also speaks too fast for her. DS2 doesn't speak at all yet, so no problems there!

marmadukescarlet · 30/04/2008 09:47

My French AP was not sucessful, she barely spoke or smiled, despite claiming she was happy.

She just didn't click with the DC (esp DS) and after a while of listening at doors I worked out that she did not speak to him. I did snap at this point that "I didn't care what language she spoke to him in but she HAD to converse with him" (he knows some Slovak due to MH/LSA) - no wonder he didn't want to play with her, poor mite!

(She didn't last long and had a hugely negative effect on family life)

I hope all the new APs are settling in nicely.

HarrietTheSpy · 30/04/2008 10:28

At the risk of belabouring this point...sure some APs arrive with bad English and learn..what bothers me about this girl is that she wasn't honest about it and got someone to do her application...always a risk in assessing people remotely I guess although as someone considering an au pair I'm dreading that aspect of hiring.

ChocFudgeCake · 03/05/2008 23:01

Before giving our au-pair green light to come from France, we spoke to her on the phone, her English was very very basic (as she had said on emails), so we spoke in French. But she went to school and learnt in no time. Actually I have little experience on this issue because she just stayed 3 months. I would have worried a lot if she refused to play with the kids or talk to me. Maybe yours is very young?

Original poster

redhen · 06/05/2008 20:32

Phew this is really hard work - after week of introducing her to all friends' au pairs and long weekend of entertaining her to lovely meals (father-in-law fabulous professional French chef) and visits to nice places, this am we had melt down after asking her to help DS (3) put on his shoes for school - after usual tussle and him refusing to let her help him she ended up in tears and shut herself in her room, refusing to leave even to go to her language school this afternoon. I spoke to her this pm after returning from work to find her still sniffing in the kitchen and she says DS (3) is not nice to her - she doesn't appreciate that her own lack of communication with him is the fundamental issue. Have explained that young children expect adults to make efforts with them (not other way round). Have asked her if she wants to go home but she says she doesn't know as her mum says she has to stay here until she gets better at English! Feel really angry with her mother for sending over someone too immature for all of this at my expense...and finding it quite hard to be sympathetic with her as its such hard work for me, phew!

OP posts:

paros · 06/05/2008 20:54

I would telephone her mother and say your daughter your problem she will be arriving home on such a such a flight . Thankyou and goodbye.. LOL

HarrietTheSpy · 06/05/2008 22:21

Totally agree with Paros on this one. I would be livid.

bigshopper · 06/05/2008 22:33

Gosh, send her away immediately. The whole point is to alleviate the burden of your children, not have another one move in.

BradfordMum · 07/05/2008 07:06

Sorry, but there's NO WAY I'd let this continue. You have to think about the safety of your son/children.
If she gets is a strop about a pair of shoes, heaven knows what might set her off again next time.

Sally

laura032004 · 07/05/2008 07:19

It sounds like she wants to go home, but is scared of the mum. Perhaps she needs you to make the decision for her, and then she can tell her mum that it wasn't her fault.

This sums it up perfectly:

Have explained that young children expect adults to make efforts with them (not other way round)

I should have been firmer with my ap from the start that this is the way it is done. I tried too hard to get DS1 to be nice to our ap, when in reality she should have been trying harder to win him over.

marmadukescarlet · 07/05/2008 09:50

Sorry, what a pain.

Agree with laura, AP has to be responsible for creating the friendship.

I think send her home.

I have experience of flogging a dead horse suitability wise, constantly propping up APs lack of abilities rather than be without an AP. It drove me to the edge of dispair.

I have now been AP less for 3 months, the house is a tip (seriously) but the children and I are much happier and relaxed.

MrsRecycle · 07/05/2008 12:44

sorry to hear things aren't going too well - why can't she go to her Aunt in the UK to learn English then? I agree she is trying to push you in a corner but, having got rid of 4 APs for not liking dd2 (stubborn, likes to try their patience) you will feel as though a weight is lifted if you tell her things just aren't working out.

Its all too easy for an AP to come here to learn English, the hardest part is getting them to fit into your family and actually like your kids. Having said that, if they don't like them, then their loss - good bye.

We always have a 2 week probationary period with any AP now, and, at the end of this, we sit down and AP/us can just say that we are not happy and they then leave. I only pay airfare on completion of the full term of their contract.

I've learnt a lot over the past year - haven't had a good experience with loads of them but current AP is wonderful and there are some good ones out there.

Elf · 07/05/2008 17:46

Redhen, I"m afraid you've got yourself another DC with this one. We had one like that. She had to go. It was so stressful. Good luck.

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