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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Paying all the childcare - really upset

37 replies

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 14:42

Recently separated from partner and "co-parenting" he has DS 3 nights and me 4 nights. He pays £130 child maintenance and that's it, he has said maybe in a few months he could look to pay more but can't now. However I pay £800+ a month childcare and apart from child benefit am not entitled to anything it just seems so unfair over the next year I have to pay £9600 and ex pays £1560 then there's everything on top of that I'll have to foot the bill for I'm just really saddened at why should it land with me to pay we are both responsible 50/50 so why when it comes to finances is this not the case. I'm not entitled to any other benefits and I'm just feel so down about this whole situation. I'm also driving DS to and from mine to ex partners when I do the drop off which is 1 hour 30 round trip because he has no car ! Please can you share how this works for you and your ex partners!? I need some hope.

OP posts:

Original poster

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 14:56

Bumping for traffic

OP posts:

Swannning · 31/12/2022 14:59

Well for a start, stop the driving - how he gets your child is his problem, not yours.

How does the 3/4 nights work? If he is having him Fri/Sat/Sun then there is no childcare on those days, but if he is having him say Mon/Wed/Fri then the childcare should be an extension of his time so he should pay.

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2022 14:59

No real advice OP but that sounds shit. Does the childcare cover just the time period your DS is with you, or with him as well? Who decided on the amount of maintenance he pays? Did he move away from you or did you move away from him? Either way he needs to take some responsibility for picking up / dropping off his son. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

RandomMess · 31/12/2022 15:01

He needs to pay for the costa on his day, so if he uses daycare then he needs to pay for it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:03

You may be entitled to help with your childcare fees if they make up a large portion of your income.

How much does ex earn? Put his earnings in the CMS calculator online and see what the result is. If it says you should be getting more then go via them.

Aquasulis · 31/12/2022 15:04

Court 50/50 agreement financial provision

Original poster

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 15:04

He has him Sunday to Wednesday and he's in full time childcare. I've put it to him and he said he's trying to get money together in a couple of months but in the meantime I'm footing the bill it just happened like that! I have moved back to my house out of his house, the 130 he pays is what it says when you do it through the CMA website. It's just upsetting that all these things fall automatically to the mum like sorting all appointments all arrangements and he literally just gets to pick him up and have a lovely time.

OP posts:

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 15:06

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 15:04

He needs to pay for Monday and Tuesday and possibly Wednesday with you if that's a day you pick up from nursery?

If he doesn't want to do that then find tell him you'll take your child out of nursery those days then

RandomMess · 31/12/2022 15:09

Yep the maintenance covers the extra day & night you have to provide a home for. It does not include food/clothes/activities/childcare for his Sunday-Wednesday!!

Get 2 separate contracts with the childcare provider- one for your days and one for his.

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2022 15:10

He needs to work out how he is going to pick up / drop off his son. If you were feeling very kind you could arrange to meet him half way or something, but it's really his issue. Your ex should surely be paying the childcare for 'his' days when he has him. Presumably your son goes to 2 different nursery's / childminders? You pay yours, leave it to him as to how he will pay his. £130 seems very low, is he on minimum wage? What is going to happen when your son starts school? How are you planning on sharing custody then?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 31/12/2022 15:10

Drop him off on Sunday, pick him up Wednesday don't pay for childcare Mon or Tuesday, it is up to him to arrange that where he is. Going forward though if he has him Sun/Mon/Tues morning he might argue that he has him more school mornings so applications to school should be local to him.

rookiemere · 31/12/2022 15:12

Tell him you're going to cancel nursery on Monday- Tuesday as those are his responsibility.

Ibouncetothebeat · 31/12/2022 15:12

Stop drop offs a pick ups. Double check what you are entitled to. The threshold for childcare is quite high. I would possibly even change the arrangement. I wouldn’t agree to 50/50 on the basis that he does every weekend. That’s not fair, where do you get to spend quality time with your child.

twoundertwohowscary · 31/12/2022 15:12

I'd cancel nursery mon-wed x

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 15:16

If he can't organise 50 /50 then he doesn't have dc 50/50. Suggest eow and claim Cms for you being the main parent.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:16

Cancel the nursery place for those days and he will have to arrange and pay for his own childcare.

As for the dropping off, refuse to do it. Do they not have public transport like Ubers where you live?

Lennybenny · 31/12/2022 15:18

Cancel Mon, Tues and weds and then he will have to figure it out. 2 separate contracts. You pay yours and he pays his. Don't tell him, just get the bills sent to both of you individually.

How does he get dc there if you live 1 1/2hrs away from him? Stop dropping off and picking up and pay for childcare as you'll have dc or take him to cms and do the cs properly.

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/12/2022 15:20

If ex is unable to pick up and drop off child then how does he take the child to the nursery? Is it near where he lives?

HirplesWithHaggis · 31/12/2022 15:20

Is the child in two separate nurseries?

Tiani4 · 31/12/2022 15:23

He pays for childcare etc in his days

You don't

Blowthemandown · 31/12/2022 15:28

@hasitreallybeenthatlong don’t enable him. As others have said, separate contracts for childcare. If he wants childcare bear him he organises. You start new contract near you. Don’t drop off ‘and’ pick up. Just do the pick up etc. He is responsible for childcare on his days.

dontpickupthemob · 31/12/2022 15:34

Like a PP is your son in 2 separate nurseries due to the distance?

Ibouncetothebeat · 31/12/2022 15:43

Yep! Give both him and the nursery notice your child will only be attending Wednesday to Friday and he can arranged childcare for the rest.

Original poster

hasitreallybeenthatlong · 31/12/2022 15:45

dontpickupthemob · 31/12/2022 15:34

Like a PP is your son in 2 separate nurseries due to the distance?

Yes he's in 2 separate nurseries, local to where we each are. I know you are all right I think just be in the mindset I don't have to do anything more than I do is what I need to get into.

OP posts:

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2022 15:52

Stop paying his (ex's) nursery fees, stop doing the drop offs and pick ups (public transport, his family / friends?) If he can't afford to provide for the 4/3 split you are doing you need to do eow or something, with an increase in his child maintenance. How were you both thinking this was going to work in a few years? You need to be careful that he doesn't end up in a school near to him if your son is there for '3 school days'.

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