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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Dd au pair having childcare issues

29 replies

bevelino · 27/04/2017 21:22

Dd is an au pair in Spain and one of the children has aspergers, which the parents did not tell her about before she entered into a contract. The child has very challenging behaviour issues and shouts and hits dd daily which she finds very upsetting.

The mother finds her child a challenge to deal with and often walks out and leaves Dd to deal with all the behaviour problems for up to 6 hours at a time which Dd finds difficult to cope with. I am becoming concerned about dd's mental health and wellbeing and want her out of the situation.

Dd only has 5 more weeks of her contract and feels she should stick it out. She has made good friends with other au pairs and her Spanish is now fluent, so it has not been all bad. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
HCantThinkOfAUsername · 27/04/2017 21:24

I don't have any advice sorry, but you have my empathy. It's nice you care about her (my mum doesn't) I hope it works out. Sounds there are some positives to get her through the remaining few weeks?

InfinityPlusOne · 27/04/2017 21:25

No I don't think your DD is obliged to stick it out. If she wasn't advise me in advance she was misled about what she was getting into. Au pairs are not expected to have a great deal of childcare experience and certainly not with children who have higher needs. She would need specific education/ training to deal with the situation she is in.

I'm sure the parents also find it hard but they are taking advantage of your daughter.

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 21:33

Dd FaceTimes me most days crying and I find it really hard to see her in that state.

Dd found the position on au pair world and do you think it would be unreasonable to contact the parents once she has left to let them know that the experience has been very challenging and that they should have let her know about their Ds and his behaviour.

Dd is torn because she knows it is not the child's fault that he behaves very badly towards her but says although the children are attached to her, she will not maintain any contact with the family once she leaves.

OP posts:
NotSoHankyPanky · 27/04/2017 21:34

How long has she been there if she has 5 weeks left? How old is your daughter?

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 21:37

Dd is 18 and by the end of her contract will have been with the family for 6 months. Dd has a confirmed place at university for September.

I have booked a family holiday for June to help her get over it all.

OP posts:
NotSoHankyPanky · 27/04/2017 21:43

If she is that unhappy she needs to leave. Sounds like she is really being taken advantage of.

QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 21:48

If she's not going to use the family as a reference then she should leave. It would be easy enough to avoid using them for a reference as they are in another country.

SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2017 21:54

I'll tell her to come home. She's had the experience of living abroad, her Spanish is fluent. She's done. Why should she put herself through five weeks of being in an awful situation?

SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2017 21:55

*I'd.

MrsELM21 · 27/04/2017 21:56

Sounds like she's done enough, I'd be arranging for her to come home if you can

CaulkheadNorth · 27/04/2017 21:57

I'm confused why she would wait until she has left before letting the parents know that it is challenging? If it's worth raising then, then surely it's worth raising now?

NataliaOsipova · 27/04/2017 22:00

If she's not going to use the family as a reference then she should leave. It would be easy enough to avoid using them for a reference as they are in another country.

Agree with this. Sounds like they haven't played straight with her from the off. Could you phone and say she's needed at home (so they can infer a family crisis or something?). Would give her an elegant exit ("really sorry, but my mum needs me" sort of thing).

BernieKosar · 27/04/2017 22:00

She needs to tell them she is leaving and why. Maybe offer to stay on for the rest of her contract on the understanding she is not left alone with the autistic child for more than 20 mins at a time (pre-agreed).

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:04

Caulkhead that is precisely what I said to her. That she either speaks to the parents or just sits it out.

A friend of hers from the year below her at school is taking over the au pair role in June and I think dd should let her friend know about the situation as it has been truly challenging for Dd.

OP posts:
flibflob · 27/04/2017 22:09

Definitely tell the other girl, so she has enough time to back out.

She should also definitely speak to the parents about it, but I have to confess I have no idea how I would broach it. Maybe writing them a letter and leaving it in her room when she goes? She should not leave any contact details either. I would also want her home btw.

BernieKosar · 27/04/2017 22:09

She should definitely let her friend know.

QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 22:12

She should let her friend know so that she has time to find an alternative job.

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:15

Dd says she would feel guilty if she left early and is determined to stick it out. I think when she leaves and has had an opportunity to reflect she might contact the parents to explain how hard it was living with them.

I am hoping she will get over the experience as she has the summer and university ahead and is excited about both.

OP posts:
Sukitakeitoff · 27/04/2017 22:17

Please don't let another girl go into this situation. Being an au pair should be safe, fun and actually pretty unchallenging! Your dd doesn't have to put up with this any more, and leaving early might be the only way to make the family and agency take the problem seriously.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2017 22:17

Get her out and let her friend know what's what.

This sort of stuff is important for how she manages future relationships and sometimes the best thing is to walk away.

Relationships are a two way thing and need to have some fairness and equality at their heart whether it's in the workplace or anywhere else. Walking away from damaging relationships takes guts and a sense of self that for many women has to be learnt because we're conditioned to put up and not make a fuss.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2017 22:20

It would be good for her to think about why she feels so obligated to them when they have not shown the same respect to her.

MadamePomfrey · 27/04/2017 22:21

Ultimately it's up to your DD if she wants to finish it out or not while I respect her for trying I do think if it's upsetting her that much she should go but all you can really do is continue to support her Sad. As for her friend definitely give her the heads up she may still be able to find another family! You can tell the company but I would guess they already know and don't care as long as they get their fee for hosting the add but I'm synical

FataliePorkman · 27/04/2017 22:24

How long has been there OP? Most au pairs do 12 months so I think if this is the case for your DD then yes she should stick it out. She's done more than 80% of her time there and if she can last that long she can cope a bit longer.

However, if she has only been there for a short period then she should consider coming home.

But I do agree the other girl needs to be warned. What she chooses to do is obviously her choice but I'd feel obliged to make her aware of the situation

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:27

Dd will let her friend know about her experience to enable her to back out if she wants to.

The parents are not unkind to dd and she is committed to them. However, she feels guilty as she knows it is not the child's fault that he cannot control his emotions and he always says sorry and begs dd for forgiveness. This makes it difficult for her to walk away. It's only 5 more weeks so she is going to try and be strong.

OP posts:
InfinityPlusOne · 27/04/2017 22:33

the child's fault that he cannot control his emotions and he always says sorry and begs dd for forgiveness

That's actually quite heartbreaking, I wonder is the child also not getting the help he really needs? Anyway I think your DD should tell her friend. I feel for the family but a parade of young, inexperienced au pairs is not what is needed here (I mean no disrespect to your DD but she is obviously not qualified to look after this child).