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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Knickers pulled down at childminder

28 replies

Glitterspy · 19/09/2016 18:38

DD 3.5 told me on the way home she had her knickers pulled down by cm's (year 1) son today. On Mondays the cm's assistant picks DD up from school and gives her tea until I pick her and baby DS up about 2 hours later. DD told me this incident happened while she was standing up watching tv, that he said (singsong voice) "I've pulled your knickers down" and that the cm then told him to "come with her". Apparently he didn't touch her bottom. The cm has not mentioned it.

I feel very angry about this. It happened to me at a similar age in the playground, little boys will be boys it seems but I still remember the humiliation and feeling of powerlessness, this really is something i never hoped my daughter would have to experience let alone in the safe childcare environment I thought I was placing her in.

A bit of an AIBU I suppose as I am tempted to call the childminder this evening and tell her that I won't be letting DD round again, as of next week she will be going to after school club instead.

BUT I'd prefer she was in a home environment with her brother - however not one where she experiences this kind of bother. Removing her also leaves us in a tricky position re school holidays as the long term plan was that DD would go to her then. Again I'm not keen if she is going to be left to watch tv while and have her knickers yanked.

Time to look for an alternative cm or even a nanny? Thoughts please.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2016 18:40

Year 1 to a 3 year old?? Yes that's not good.
you asoo sound annoyed about the tv. I agree, probably time to look for something else

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2016 18:41

Though I suppose in y1 he might just be 18 months older than her

IzzyIsBusy · 19/09/2016 18:41

Erm children do silly things.

Sounds like the CM dealt with it by taking the other child away.
Not nice for your DD but not the CM fault either.

If you are not happy then remove her but i do TYABU.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/09/2016 18:44

The child was five, so just silliness I wouldn't make an issue out of it.

AdaLovelacesCat · 19/09/2016 18:44

Little children are silly, and the CM dealt with it appropriately.

JenLindleyShitMom · 19/09/2016 18:45

Maybe talk to the childminder first to see gap it was actually dealt with? Your DD won't be aware of all that happened.

sentia · 19/09/2016 18:47

A year one child should know perfectly well that you don't touch someone else's knickers as they are private and I absolutely agree that the childminder should be explaining to him clearly that this is the case and ensuring that he understands that this is a boundary it's unacceptable to cross. Have you asked the childminder about it?

reallyanotherone · 19/09/2016 18:48

Please do not excuse it as "boys will be boys".

It is not acceptable behaviour from either sex.

However I do agree it might have been teasing or a game he may have picked up at school. Chat to the cm and ask her how she dealt with it, and if she knows where he got it from. If the school are also treating it as "boys games" it isn't being taken seriously and needs dealing with there too.

It may be a game now, bit when theyre older
Its sexual assault.

BertieBotts · 19/09/2016 18:50

It's probably something he's picked up at school? I expect that the childminder took her DS away to tell him off and explain it's not acceptable. Just say your DD was upset by it and ask for confirmation it's been dealt with, that should be fine.

bearleftmonkeyright · 19/09/2016 18:51

I also think a year one child should know better but I think you have to talk to the child minder and assess exactly what happened and how they dealt with it.

Lunar1 · 19/09/2016 18:53

What do you mean boys will be boys? Do you think all boys behave like this, mine certainly don't.

AdaLovelacesCat · 19/09/2016 18:54

well to be honest, nor did mine.

flumplet · 19/09/2016 18:56

I wouldn't say it's a case of boys wlll be boys - but my 5yo boy finds all bottoms to be hilarious. I also wouldn't sexualise the behaviour like a previous poster did by calling it a sexual assault- he's 5 ffs - and I'm not saying that what happened is ok because either as it's obviously not appropriate, but from a 5yo it's silly behaviour not a sexual assault. If you feel uncomfortable by all means remove your dd, but to me, it was just silly 5yo behaviour that has been disciplined/corrected/dealt with by the childminder.

elgol · 19/09/2016 18:57

I wouldn't be happy that it had happened or that the CM didn't mention it. They really should have made you aware.

I would want to know that the little boy had been appropriately enlightened as regards that sort of behaviour. I would also want to know what the CM said to your daughter.

Both children need to know it's not acceptable and what to do if anything similar happens in the future.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 19/09/2016 18:58

He wouldn't do that in school in front of a teacher OR you - so he knows he shouldn't have done it.

It would be the end of CC for me especially that the CM didn't mention it regardless of she dealt with it - it still should have been mentioned due to the sensitive nature of it.

Passthecake30 · 19/09/2016 19:00

I agree with lunar, my son would never do this, even to his sister. I do remember having this done to me at school many moons ago, but it's just not what little boys do now...

IzzyIsBusy · 19/09/2016 19:01

Mumnet the only place that can demonise 5 year olds

JinkxMonsoon · 19/09/2016 19:01

The CM should have mentioned it to you to reassure you that it had been dealt with. I would have a bigger problem with the lack of honesty than the fact it happened in the first place.

But if I were you I'd make sure your DD's account is accurate first.

bearleftmonkeyright · 19/09/2016 19:04

It's not demonising the five year old at all. It's all part of general safeguarding. The child minder should be paying more attention and should have mentioned to the op. But the op really needs to speak to cm to find out exactly how it was dealt with.

IzzyIsBusy · 19/09/2016 19:12

How was the CM not paying attention? Sounds lime she dealt with it straight away.
Do you watch your children every single second?
CMs not allowed to use the loo?
Make a drink?

Yes she should have mentioned it but she may have forgotten or didnt see it as important.

Sounds like the OP is more bothered by the tv watching.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 19/09/2016 19:16

izzy I can't see where a five year old has been demonised, can you link?

I think due to the sensitive nature posters would have expected the CM to mention it. She didn't. Regardless if she was busy - she isn't someone's aunty that's baby sitting, she is a professional who should have made sure she remembered incase the little girl had a conversation just like this..

Laineymc7 · 19/09/2016 19:34

This doesn't sound like a good environment for your daughter. The boy is old enough to know he should not be pulling down little girls pants. I wouldn't be happy with my child staying there. I think at 3.5 a nursery or pre school would be much better. She would be in with children her own age. It's also more structured, they learn more, do more activities and it really prepares them for school. My little girl is in nursery and is thriving she learns so much. Good luck.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/09/2016 19:35

A 5yr should know not to do this

The cm should have def told you what happened - wonder if wasn't her child would she have said something .......

Original poster

Glitterspy · 19/09/2016 21:39

Thanks for your responses. I've had chance to calm down a bit, speak to the cm and speak to my husband.

I guess with "boys will be boys" I was trying not to let this become more than it needs to be ( I agree it's silly behaviour not sexual assault) but in no way meant to demonise 5 year olds or all small boys, and certainly wouldn't expect all boys to behave like this. I am very disappointed that this one has.

CM says she has personal family issues she is going to discuss with me in the morning and that while there are no excuses it's going to go some way to explaining where the behaviour may have been coming from, there has been more than one incident of bad behaviour in the last couple of weeks so she knows her boy is unsettled. We have set aside time tomorrow to chat face to face about this.

To reiterate, DD is in a structured learning environment 3 days a week at preschool, this arrangement with the cm is 2h after school care a week so she gets a little extra time with her brother. I mentioned the TV watching as yes, I would prefer she was playing/ looking at books/ drawing/ helping with the tea. If she was in after school club, she would not be watching tv.

OP posts:

sentia · 19/09/2016 21:42

Ok. But did she explain to you why she (apparently) didn't say at any point to your DD "he shouldn't have done that to you" so she understands as well? She has to make sure the children in her care feel safe.

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