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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Daughter unhappy at childminder

14 replies

acertainage · 18/01/2013 18:44

I went back to work two weeks ago on Monday full time and daughter is struggling at childminders. The childminder said she has been crying a lot and I just wondered if anyone else's children struggled at childminders? She is with the childminder three days a week. Monday, Tuesday and Friday and my mum and dad look after her Wednesday and Thursday. We are very close, I am still breastfeeding, she sleeps with me at night and loves company and attention and can be hard work!She is nearly 10 months old. She is OK with mum and dad. My husband works full time as well.
She didn't really know the Childminder before she started although did spend a little bit of time with her.
She has a few toys at the childminders which she is not very interested in!
I knew she would struggle and did think it would take time but how long can it take?
She has been a bit poorly this week as well and could be teething which I know could make things worse!

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NickNacks · 18/01/2013 18:52

Six sessions is not very long at all especially since 10 months is the height of separation anxiety and you say she's teething and under the weather.

Re-evaluate in a month and I'm sure you'll see a change.

Original poster

acertainage · 18/01/2013 18:58

OK that's great thank you!Just getting anxious that's all, childminder is bit fed up and obviously I'm feeling quite guilty about the whole thing even though I need to work and I enjoy working to be fair.

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lisa1968 · 18/01/2013 19:22

aaahhh give it time honey.Its a huge change for her but she will settle down.I know its hard but try not to feel guilty-once she's settled, she'll have a great time!

sunnyshine · 18/01/2013 19:27

Childminder shouldn't be fed up should be reassuring you and her. It's part and parcel of the job and is to be expected. I have children that come that cry sometimes and have been coming for over a year! It's just depends on the child and what they feel like each day! It will get better and I hope you get more positive feedback from the childminder soon!!

nannynick · 18/01/2013 19:58

Babies cry and it can take a while for them to settle into new routines with a new carer. Babies of that age I have found can also go on a feeding strike, has your daughter done that? Combined with teething and it's not going to be a nice time for everyone involved but it does settle down... so give it time. It will take weeks... I agree that you should see how it goes for the next month.

Meanwhile can you take some things from home that she is used to? Does she have any particular cuddly toy/blanket she likes to nap with? Can you wear an item of clothing, a t-shirt or something, which you then Do Not wash (it's the smell that's needed) which your DD can take with her for comfort (such as CM putting the t-shirt on their shoulder and resting your DD's head on top - if that makes sense).

How much experience does the CM have with babies? With luck they will be able to give you some tips on how to help your DD adjust to being cared for by someone new.

Your DD will pick up on your own feelings. So if you feel anxious, guilty, when dropping her off, she will pick up on that and react to it. So the more relaxed about it you can be the better - though I appreciate that it must be hard to do. I don't have any children of my own, so don't know what it's like to leave my child with someone else.

LingDiLong · 18/01/2013 20:28

I agree it's very early days yet. I had a one year old start with me in September and he only came one day a week initially then two days - took him a good couple of months to really settle. It didn't help that he also really suffers with teething and seems to catch every bug going so was often under the weather. He's fighting fit now and has settled so well, it's an absolute joy to see him bustling about full of smiles.

When you say the childminder is fed up though, how is she expressing this to you? I must say I got very fed up when settling the one year old but I tried very hard never to show it to him or his mother - I did discuss honestly how he was with me and that he wasn't happy but tried to be constructive about it; I told her so we could work out a way to help him settle rather than just to moan at her. Your DD will get there in the end but only if the childminder has the right attitude to this!

Original poster

acertainage · 18/01/2013 21:55

That's true I'm sure it will take time. The item from us is a good idea and we will do that.

The childminder has been working for a while she said but she has never had a baby as difficult as ours!I think some babies just settle more easily. I think it's just because she does not know what to do to help her. She said she cries no matter what she does and maybe it affects her confidence!

That's true. I do try to be fairly relaxed because she does need to go just makes me unhappy to think she is so unhappy at the moment.

She is eating although reluctant to drink and she is drinking plenty of breast milk in the evening. She is a good eater generally although particular about what she will have. She has been on the 75th centile and last time she was weighed she was on the 91st.

I hope she will accept she has to go eventually!!:-)

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goldie81 · 18/01/2013 22:11

It will def take time- I had new baby age almost 1 that started in sept. To begin with she cried loads & wouldn't eat or drink anything much for me for almost 3weeks. Which was hard for everyone! I felt so bad for her- if she was crying & I picked her up then she would cry more!! I felt awful as did mum & baby. However after 3weeks she came & had suddenly realised it wasn't so bad & we could have fun.
Now she can't bare to be separated from me & doesn't want to go home! It's a big step for a baby. It just takes time x

doughnut44 · 18/01/2013 22:22

It can't help that your CM has told you she has never had a baby as difficult as yours - thats a horrible thing to hear.
I have a 9 month old at the moment who started with me in December, she is going through separation anxiety, teething and has a bad cold. It's a case of persevering, constantly reassuring her. I speak to her mum and let her know what is happening but I reassure her that I am dealing with it (which I am) and how we can work through it together.
Your daughter is also getting used to being in a new environment with people she does not yet know and also she is not the centre of attention which she will be with you and at you mum and dads.
Keep your chin up - as long as you are confident your CM is dealing with it right you will overcome this.
Good Luck x x

gwenniebee · 18/01/2013 22:28

I have no advice at all but just wanted to say that I feel for you! My dd is 6mo and I have just been visiting cms this week and am worried how she will settle. I hope your lovely baby is happier soon so that you can be too!

Goldmandra · 18/01/2013 22:44

The childminder cannot be very experienced if she hasn't had children take longer than six sessions to settle before!

This is the age where separation anxiety really kicks in and you can't explain to the child that Mummy will be coming back. That makes settling very difficult.

The advice to send clothing you have slept in is really good and it often helps to send the baby's own bedding for nap time too.

Another good strategy (well it's worked for me with a few this age) is to get the child used to a music CD and a tv programme at home. The childminder can then play to music for reassurance and familiarity and use the tv programme for distraction. I used Waybuloo for months with one little boy but luckily the CD his mum chose was Leona Lewis, not a children's CD!

She will settle but it could take a good few weeks.

I had one little one who took months and was distraught for whole days. He did settle eventually and two years after he left he is still asking his mum to bring him back to visit.

It's a shame the childminder is so negative. She should be reassuring you that she can cope and will do everything in her power to make it as easy for all of you as possible. I won't suggest moving your DD but only because I don't think starting the settling in process again at this stage would be helpful to her.

I hope you start to see an improvement soon.

Goldmandra · 18/01/2013 22:46

Just to be clear the tv is rarely on in my house normally and certainly doesn't usually get used for childminding purposes unless DH is in sole charge of my children in which case he uses it as a full time nanny.

Original poster

acertainage · 19/01/2013 11:07

I'm sure she is managing OK but I think she is tired at the end of the day and me and my husband work in mental health so we are aware of people's feelings and are empathic.

I think the CD and clothes suggestions are all great and will organise a load of stuff for her tomorrow night for Monday to see if that helps. We love music and listen to a lot of Jazz, Motown, Radio etc and she does love music and dancing as well.

Thank you everyone for your help!:-)

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calmlychaotic · 21/01/2013 00:12

I had a little girl take a couple of months to properly settle, she's great now and loves coming, must be awful for you but it will get better. try to leave quickly and stay positive. if you come back for another hug if she cries you will make it worse for her. hope she settles soon.

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