Uncomfortable sex after 2nd degree tear.......getting me down now

[sorefange]

Hi

I had DS 9 months ago and had a ventouse delivery resulting in an episiostomy and a second degree tear. Stitches were checked at a week and four weeks post natal by 2 different mws who both said I had been v well stitched indeed. Not too tight, very well done.
We braved sex 2 months after the birth and it was uncomfortable although not painful, a bit like being a virgin again. Since then it's not really any better.
I'm not BFing so there's not an issue of being dry. We use some lube but basically and sorry if TMI it feels as if the area around where I was stitched is being rubbed raw with the thrusting.
Also, various positions are out, well basically most are out except for missionary as it feels like too much pressure on the perineum, like my scar might rupture. Not painful but kind of uncomfortable stretching of the scar.
So I can't relax/get into it, so I'm all frigid and dry, so it's uncomfortable. I feel like I'm forcing myself into it in the hope I just need to do it more often to get in the mood but it's just uncomfortable (and I stress, not painful as such).
It's been 9 months now and I'm worried it'll never get any better. I've had a look with a mirror and it all looks v neat and tidy and nicely healed.
Don't even know why I'm posting this really. Just needed to tell someone.

Not that unusal for please don't worry if you searched you would find loads of people with the same story. It can take a long time for it heal but if you really are worried then please pop to your docs.

Try taking vitamin E capsules, my mum got me some at christmas and my problem (different to yours but along the same lines) is starting to get better, from no improvement whatsoever since the birth. it's slow but definitely improving. I know the feeling like it's never going to sort itself out and it's depressing. Try the vitamin E. I also have some vit E oil that I'm going to start putting on it directly.

I had some oestrogen cream prescribed, maybe you could try that. It is awful though, go and see your gp.

Thanks for those suggestions.
I'm not in the UK and altho I speak the language it's not as easy to talk to doctors in another language about something so personal. At the moment my nice (woman) doctor is away and it's a 50 something man so.....nooooo way. Perhaps when she comes back.
It's not actually painful, it's uncomfortable. It's like the entrance is really tender and the action of thrusting is rubbing a tender area. That and in most positions except missionary it feels like too much pressure on the perineum, like something might tear. Like...oooh stop, that feels weird. I'm sort of hoping it'll just gradually get more comfortable. Does it?

Hi there,

massaging the sore bits daily can really help to de-sensitise and elasticise the area. Use an oil that contains vitamin E, such as wheatgerm oil, and use small, firm circular movements. Again sorry if TMI back at you, but also use your thumb and forefinger, slipping your thumb a couple of inches inside your vagina and your index finger on your perineum and rub them togther too.

You can also buy a set of dilators I had these ones which were given to me by the hospital after a perineal repair operation (where I was left with a small opening, reduced elasticity, and some residual sore scar tissue).
Maybe you could try to get them cheaper, or prescribed, as they are quite expensive. They are a way to in your own time, apply gentle stretching to the area, without the trauma or the friction and lack of control sex can bring.

Hopefully these can help you to get back to a comfortable sex life, it seems a lot of effort and very unfair on you, but they worked for me.

Good luck

make sure you get yourself checked when your dr comes back.
a cousin of mine carried on insilence for a longtime before braving going back to the drs and it turned out they had some managed to stitch an air bubble in place and had to have it re done.
i had a secondary tear and it did take me a long time to feel almost normal, although im sure its as it was before i tore iykwim. its certainly not the same anymore, i had it checked out too, its better now after i had ds2 and tore a little then but they didnt bother to sticth up which i think is now a bit better.

I had a similar problem and went to a gynae

he was really lovely and basically told me this:

1. if you can put three fingers inside yourself your vagina isnt too small (as can happen with scarring)

if you can't you may need surgery or 'stretching exercises)

1. then have sex at least twenty times, try every technique to make yourself as in the mood and ready as possible.

if it is still hurting after that you would need to see a doctor (in his opinon)

it worked for me, I thought I would never enjoy sex again

but do now (if not too knackered!)
hope it sorts out it was horrible those 20 times!

hi, i had the same problem (in fact, it was v painful), the thing that worked for me (as suggested by wonderful MNers!) was massaging with vit e oil, for about 2 weeks I pierced a capsule and used the oil inside. I'm not sure whether it was massaging or the vit e itself that did the trick but it was much better after that.

SS - it would be both that worked, good to hear it helped you as well.

Nooki - was one of those "techniques" alcohol?! Goes a long way in my book on the relaxing front

Dilators and stretching and massage of the scar helped me after DD1. Things were never really right though. Having DD2 has really helped my internal scarring (but may be a bit of a drastic option ), and I'm now having cortisone injections into the perineum, which is as grim as it sounds, but is having a very positive effect on the scarring of the muscle tissue. Like you, my skin has healed well, so everything looks OK from the outside - it's not a great indication of how things actually are inside, even though I've had lots of GPs tell me that I "look fine".

Sorry, I should also add that I understand completely how upsetting it is. I felt like I would never be a proper woman again. I'm still on the journey, but DH has high hopes that things will work out this time with a supportive gynae, and quite often I can agree with him.

sorefange - I have been in exactly the same position as you and could have posted the same thing after I had dd1! It took a very, very long time for me to be able to enjoy sex again after I had dd1 - to be honest, about 4 years. It does get better, but for me took a great deal of time. Sorry you're going through this - it is horrid.

yes, I identify with the not feeling like a woman thing.

Also, when I went to see a gynae afterwards I was met with a very unsympathetic reaction of 'oh, well you'll just have to keep having more sex otherwise it won't get better' and 'maybe your problem is to do with your relationship with your husband / you're imagining it'

Oh electra - I had that too. Isn't it awful? After I had plucked up the courage to get it sorted out too. I had 3 unhelpful GPs and a bastard (sorry) of a gynae to work through until I got some decent help. Worst quote from gynae "if I can insert a finger in the relaxed (my emphasis) atmosphere of the examination room then you can have sex with your husband - you're just too stressed about it". My "problem" had been that I was very determined to get help, and so used my special breathing techniques to deal with the pain of the examination and not clench up. Me telling him that I was in agony when he touched the scar wasn't good enough, apparently.

It's horrible isn't it MrsTittlemouse? Really, how dare they tell us we don't know our own body. I found that things were better after I had dd2. I had her more easily because I wanted an active labour and luckily it all worked out ok that time. But I went through the whole pregnancy terrified that another delivery would make it all worse again - it kept me awake at night.

MrsT, I remember you from the "who took ages to recover from childbirth?.." thread, glad you're getting your injections. Not the most pleasant, but they do help don't they?

I remember chatting to you another time about your 2nd stretching your scar tissue out a bit too - having a C/S (due to 2 x Fentons leaving it the only option) in 7 weeks, so won't get that benefit but hoping the twinging there that the PG weight is causing there is doing something similar at least...

Didn't know you had dilators too, no-one else on here mentioned them so thought I was alone in that, so glad I'm not! There were times with those things in my hand I just thought "how did I get here??" But they do help too.
The insensitive comments from male gynae's are amazing aren't they? Mine was from the registrar that did my first surgery, when I said "you have sewn me way too small to function normally" - he said the dilators were used by girls born without a vaginal opening, and if they could manage, I'd be fine stretching myself back . Later turned out he had botched my surgery and his boss had to re-do it. Idiot.

Anyway, I waffle as usual, good luck to you ladies...

Thank you all for the replies, and I'm so sorry for the experiences some of you have had to go through. It actually makes me feel I'm complaining about so little in comparison to some of you, but I feel better for the whinge.
I don't think it's a question of being sewn up to tight as penetration is possible but just uncomfortable around the entrance/perineum. It's not painful int he missionary position, just rubs a lot. So, the 3 finger test mentioned earlier I thin I have passed. I think I need to try the sex 20 times with loads of lube/alcohol and see where we go from there. To be honest we've probably done it less than 10 times since DS was born and most of them I've thought..."if I just do it I'll get in the mood" and then I don't and then it's easier just to grin and bear it and get it over with than stop and "fail" to have sex. But I haven't been enjoying it, which is making each subsequent time more difficult.
I think it's going to have to be a bit like starting again, like a virgin.

If you don't want to grit your teeth during sex then you could use a (smallish smooth) dildo - which is basically all a dilator is - that way you get the stretching benefits of sex without the association with your DH.

Thank you lotster - I'm glad too.

Hi Sorefange! Am in exactly the same boat, 2nd degree tearing, stiched have been poked and deemed nicely healed but sex is impossible! DH can't even get in, as it were, it's all too tight.

Can't even get drunk as still BF, maybe that'll help!

I read the epic thread "Who took ages to recover form childbirth" which made me realise how common this was and I saw my GP yesterday and demanded a referal.

Just hope I get I nice gynaecologist....some of the gits I've heard about seem to be making such delicate matters much, much worse..

To be honest MrsTittlemouse I sooooo little sex drive at the moment I couldn't care less if I never had sex again. well that's not true, I'd like some good sex but the thought of more slightly uncomfortable (and therefore totally mood killing) sex is not appealing. I think I'm going to have to get drunk.
Like I say, it doesn't hurt exactly in the missionary, it's just like I'm really really dry and a bit raw. The other positions do feel a bit like DH is too big or pressing somewhere delicate. But penetration is certainly possible. We are having sex, I'm just NOT enjoying it.
MmeMoufle good on you for getting a referal, I kind of don't want to in a way as penetration is possible and also cos I just sort of want to ignore it and hope it all sorts itself out. I can't see what else they'll tell me penetration is possible, they'll surely just say "get horny", which I am sooooo not just now.
I will look into vit e cream....I notice the lube we use has it

I can understand completely where you're coming from. DH and the gynae are excited by every improvement, but as far as I'm concerned very painful, painful and slightly painful sex are still all painful sex! One gynae told me that most women in my position can "tolerate" sex by 15 months postpartum. She was telling me as a good thing, but all I could think was "tolerate?!?!?".

But every improvement is a step closer to enjoyable sex, I need to remember that. Massage is definitely helping too - DH does it most nights - just like the perineal massage that you do before childbirth. Again, it stretches the area and helps with the painful scarring. It might be worth a try as there are no negative side-effects and lots of women on here have found that it helps.

She's right ya know. Wheatgerm oil is great for vit e / massage (think already said that, soz).

When I was recovered enough for sex, my GP blatantly advised me "a bottle of wine and a good sense of humour" to get through the first few times. I was sore for it the next day or two for a while, but as she said it actually can count as "physio".

Just to report that last night we let things take their course and with the help of much lube, fianlly managed to have non painful sex! I wouldn't say it was adventurous (missionary) or brilliant but it was quite nice and made me feel sooooo much better as I think the psychological aspect was becoming as big a problem for me.
So, I'm going to try to repeat that, possibly with the help of alcohol, and just only do it when I'm in the mood.
Thanks for all your advice ladies. I hope the rest of you are finding your way to some kind of improvement.

I know what you mean by the mental aspect - I apparently just had 'grazes', but I had to have stitches inside to stop the bleeding which were excrutiating and worse than the birth (but that's another story!). It definitely is like being a virgin again. It was really painful and uncomfortable and I was trying to relax, but it made me tense up even more, expecting the uncomfortableness and pain. With the help of plenty of lubrication and I have to take a moment to cocentrate on not tensing up 'down there', I have finally achieved orgasm. I thought that was never going to happen again - especially as half of my labia has an extra flap now too. Lovely. Sorry if TMI. My baby is only 4 months and so I am very lucky, but I know how depressed you must be after 9 months, and heaven knows what a trooper you must be after 4 years ! It's mental torture. I know things can't be exactly the same after a baby comes out of your vagina, but so many women suffer severely with these issues after birth it makes me think that if birth ever happened to men that there would be a lot more research and support to try to help with firstly, getting the baby out and secondly, the mental and physical recovery as the experiencecan be quite traumatic. Why do they still use tools that look like they fell off the back of a tractor ? Anyway....didn't expect to go into a rant ! Glad to hear sorefange isn't so sore.