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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Lone childbirth?

27 replies

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:27

Has anyone chosen to give birth alone? As in, no DH/DP or family/friend present.

If so, how was it and how is it looked upon by the labour ward staff?

I am 21wks with DC2. My partner and I are in the process of separating (although we still live together), and I don't want him there.

I would like my mum to look after DD while I go in on my own.

Thoughts on this?

Please don't try and persuade me to get a doula, as I have had no income other than child benefit for the last 8 months and am struggling to feed us.

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LaylaandSethsmum · 02/09/2008 21:32

I haven't done this but is there really no-one you can ask to be there? Could someone else have DD while your mum comes with you or could DD go to her dad?

I would imagine it to be a scary, traumatic time on your own even though staff will be there. I should imagine its not all that uncommon though.

ilovemydog · 02/09/2008 21:36

I think that you should make the decision. If you would like someone to be there, then fine, if you choose to be 'alone'then this is fine too. And you won't be alone as a midwife will be with you.

But please don't let finances be the reason you give birth alone. It's a deeply personal decision that only you can make.

In some cultures, women give birth alone, and this is the norm.

cafebistro · 02/09/2008 21:37

If you and your partner are in the process of separating then I totally understand you not wanting him there. I had DP at both my deliveries and he proved to be little more than a nuisance, and we were 'together'.
If I was in your situation I would want someone with me though. If your mum is looking after DD what about a close friend?
The thing is the midwife may not be able to be with you all the time during your labour and you may need support and reassurance throughout.

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:37

There is people I could ask (mum/sis/friends), but feel like if I ask one of them, I will be rejecting the others iyswim.

I would really worry about how DD was being looked after if her dad was with her. I figure that I'll have enough to worry about giving birth, than worrying about whether she is being fed/changed etc.

He has never looked after her for more than a 3hr stretch, and then she came home with heatstroke

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 02/09/2008 21:39

Have you considered a home birth so your mum could be with you?

StarlightMcKenzie · 02/09/2008 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SoupDragon · 02/09/2008 21:40

Could your DD go to friends so that your mum and/or sister could be with you?

LaylaandSethsmum · 02/09/2008 21:40

TBH I wouldn't worry about potentially rejecting the others. If you choose someone then you should choose the person you most want to go through that with you .
Discuss it with them if you want , you may find they are falling over themselves to help you out with DD or be with you.

splishsplosh · 02/09/2008 21:42

How are you feeling about going through it on your own? Have you spoken to your mw about it? I would hope the mw on the labour ward would spend as much time as possible with you if you were on your own, but don't know.
Do you have any friends who could come with you?
I'm sure you'll be fine if you do go ahead on your own, but I would have thought it's nice if you have someone to keep you company, speak up for you, get you things etc

ilovemydog · 02/09/2008 21:42

So the reason you would give birth alone is due to you worrying about DD? It's obviously a factor, but could your sister look after her and your mom go with you?

If you want to do it alone, then this is fine, but if it's because you don't want to offend anyone, then what you have to realize is that your wishes are paramount. Your baby - your call.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 21:45

I'm giving birth on my own this time round.

It'd be lovely if DH could be there, but someone has to look after the girls, there's no one to leave them with.

We can't afford a doula, either, and live in a relatively rural area.

Homebirth is not for me.

Others have done it - there are several on here.

I'm hoping to give birth in the local midwife led unit because they are in a position to give a woman on her own more support, but if any complications arise I'll have to go on my own pretty far away to consultant-led.

Not ideal, but c'est la vie.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:46

I would absolutely love a homebirth (providing he was out!!), but my last one ended up with an abruption and emerg c/s. I am hoping for a VBAC this time, but obviously need to be near to help should I need it.

I feel like I was pretty much on my own last time round. I don't mind doing it on my own, but will the staff roll their eyes thinking I'll be a drain on their resources by them checking on me more often?

NCT a good idea, may ask them. Think it might upset my mum/sis though if they knew.

OP posts:

ellideb · 02/09/2008 21:48

I know you said not to mention a doula but let me just say that if you get a trainee doula (as I have done) you pay very little as they are only allowed to charge a small fee. The one I have hired charges £25 per visit so in total I will only pay 3 x £25 spread over 4 months. Also, you can get help to pay for a doula if you are struggling, sometimes they will just acept a small donation, so its worth you looking into it and keeping an open mind, check out this site

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:50

expat - what's a midwife led unit?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 21:52

it's a unit run entirely by midwives. might not be an option for you if you are attempting to VBAC, VBAC women in our area have to go to the big hospital a bit far away.

if you have any sort of complication in pregnancy, bad anaemia, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. they make you go to the big hospital.

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:53

Thanks ellideb will check it out. But am struggling to buy food/clothes/nappies/new baby stuff on £18.80 a week!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 02/09/2008 21:54

Have you spoken to your mum and sister? You may find it's not a problem at all and one would love to be your birth partner, the other preferring to look after your DD.

FWIW, I had DD alone, just me and 1 midwife. My mum was in the other room and DH out with the DSs. It was lovely

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 21:55

if you are in receipt of income support, income-based job seeker's allowance, child tax credit greater than the family element or the like, you can also get a Sure Start grant of £500 to buy stuff for the baby, Ramble, once you are within 11 weeks of your due date.

you can download and print off the form or your nearest JobCentre Plus can give you a form to take to your midwife to verify your pregnancy.

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:55

Oh that sounds great, but perhaps not for me with my high-risk pg unfortunately.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 21:58

grant

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 21:59

I am in the unfortunate position though of still living with my ex until our house is sold. This means that any benefits are assessed jointly, so I'm not entitled to anything as he is supposed to be supporting me. He chooses not to, although he is still paying the mortgage/utilities/etc.

I have only touched on the subject with mum and sis, and felt like it was a mad scramble to be at the birth!

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foxytocin · 02/09/2008 22:00

yes, as starlight says, a trainee doula would love the experience for nothing out of your pocket. you don't have to tell your mum and sis about her either.

good luck with your baby and whatever you decide is best.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2008 22:05

Check with your hospital about their policy on birth partners. They may allow 2.
If they allow 2, line up friends to look after your DD
If they allow 1, maybe your sister/mum can take it in shifts (still leave DD with friends) or you sit them down and say you'd love both of them to be there, can only have one but can't choose which.

As I said, being alone isn't bad. I did feel that DDs birth was somehow more special than DSs simply because she was all mine. Which isn't to say DSs weren't special IYSWIM

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/09/2008 22:07

Weeeeelll, I am sure I'm not alone in saying that I didn't find my lovely dp much help or support during my traumatic first birth with ds1.
When I knew I was pg again I found myself wondering if I could just get him to stay at home with ds1 while I went and delivered.... then ds2 was elective c section while ds1 at his usual nursery session.

I know that fathers like to be there, and some women arrange birth partners etc etc but I would have been quite ok on my own with all the professionals, first or 2nd time.

Original poster

RambleOn · 02/09/2008 22:09

What happens if I need consent for another c/s, and I have a doula there? I was lucid enough last time round to scrawl an illegible signature on the form myself, but what happens if I can't? Do they need permission from next of kin?

Hadn't thought that they may allow 2 birth partners. Will check it out.

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