labour concerns

[Millsie1]

I am fast approaching my due date and I am feeling increasingly nervous about labour. It's not actually the pain that worries me, but a a fear of doing or saying something terrible in front of a group of people and make my husband embarrassed about me or even ashamed of me. It's all very horribly British to be so self-conscious, but has anyone else ever shared this worry? How can I try to accept the unavoidable?

One option is not to have your husband there. It's not the fashionable thing, but I do know mothers who very much prefer to maintain labour as a woman-only space. Your husband can pace the corridors to his heart's content and then come and admire the baby. If you were doing that, it might be worth thinking of a girlfriend (or sister or mother?) in front of whom you could say or do anything without embarrassing yourself. Especially if it's a friend/relative who already has children, so knows the territory from the inside.

That might not be what you're after, but just in case - some women feel inhibited about getting on with the (primal) act of birthing in front of their life partner, and that's allowed

Believe me, when labour kicks in you just won't care!. And in all likelihood, you're not going to see the midwives and doctors again anyway!

Im not a great talker in labour although i have been known to scream
I think if you are really worried you could try a hypno-relaxing type cd which should make you calmer in general and less likely to stay something you think you might regret but honestly i think midwives must cover this issue extensively in their training because they hear every rant in the book.
And believe me once your husband sees the effort of childbirth he will let you do or say say anything!

I used IMs for a home birth. At one of the later ante-natal appointments they sat down with DH and I and told (warned?) us that women in labour can say pretty well anything under the sun. They expect to be called a LOT of names. They wouldn't take any of it personally. They recommended DH take the same approach.

I used a Natal Hypnotherapy CD before the birth, and was amazed at how calm and centred I felt throughout the whole experience. All women labour differently, but if you feel the need to curse, swear, scream, or just be silent (which I was, much to my suprise), then you won't shock any of the MWs present by doing so - they'll just be relieved you're labouring as you need to.

Can you sit down with your DH and talk about this? Possibly with your MW? I think it would be important for you to go through things with all parties (or representatives for the MWs) before you go into labour so that you feel you can relax and go with your labour without feeling inhibited.

You'll be fine

The only labour (I have 4 dcs) where I have relaxed enough not to care how I was, was with dc4. I used hypnosis techniques and they really helped me to relax. It was also the only delivery where my DH wasn't in the room. We didn't plan it that way, but it was an (unplanned) homebirth and the midwives had him running around fetching things. It felt very natural to have just women in the room. He is very positive about the delivery and said that he felt more involved than with the others. With the others he was merely a bystander, but with this one he had things to do and felt more needed.

we were warned at antenatal that women swear and shout lots during labour so DH was prepared but in the entire 15hrs, i did not utter one swear word apparently! That was not a conscious decision to watch my tongue but i never felt the urge to swear

I found that I acted a bit like I was drunk - in that I would say daft things but nothing horrible or mean at all. Apparently I kept the midwives and DH quite amused. Even though I said some really stupid things (being amazed at one point I was having a baby lol) I kind of knew I was saying them - just like you would after a few drinks and would have stopped myself saying anything really stupid.

I also apparently started swearing quite a bit whilst pushing but not in a horrible way - wasnt swearing at people but more f**k that hurts. I didnt say one horrible thing to DH - in fact I didnt really talk to him at all.

What exactly are you worried about? Do you mean saying horrible things? Or stupid things? Or dancing like a chicken? As othrs have said I think its worth warning DH about these things if you are worried - but I dont actually know anyone who was horrible to their partner during labour or who did something really odd. And to be honest I doubt you will care afterwards - I found it quite amusing.

I think the important thing is that you are relaxed though. If you are really that worried about DH being there then that is not going to help with your labour - have you thought about him not being there?

Really though - I found the whole thing bonding with DH and him to me. Despite acting in ways and him seeing things he wouldnt normally witness me doing it seemed to bring us closer together in some way.

xxx

Thanks for the replies. I don't think that not having him there is an option as we've just moved abroad and I don't really know anyone here yet - certainly noone closely enough to be a birth partner! With the language barrier I also feel quite vulnerable already...I think I might fall apart if he's not there! It's the fact that I just don't know HOW I'll deal with the pain that scares me. I've run a few marathons and coped with that ok, but the total UNKNOWN of how I'll react to genuine serious pain - whether I'll turn vile or just decide I can't cope and give up and crumble - scares the bejeesus out of me.

Actually started having a few contractions this morning, so perhaps this issue will be out my hands before I can think too hard about it - probably a good thing!? x

I don't know how natural you want the birth to be but I was always terrified of giving birth. Not what I was going to say but of the pain. When my friends started having babies and told me about epidurals, I begain to relax. When I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to get an epidural as soon as possible and that helped take away the fear. I ended up getting induced and thank god for epidurals as it took 2 days for dd to come out but for most of that, I didnt feel a thing and that, for me, made it a very positive experience despite needing forceps and having an episiostomy. My main fear was pain and I avoided that with the epidural.