Childcare plans for second labour

[YourLivelyLemonHelper]

I'm in a bit of a prickle.

I have a toddler and I'm due my second in February, and I don't know who to leave my first with when I'll go to hospital for my second.

I'm leaning towards a C section (I had one the first time around) just for the practicalities aspect, in my heart I'd love to try a VBAC, but I've ruled.it out mostly because I wouldnt be able to plan for childcare in advance.

Both our families live abroad (a 2-4 h flight away) and I'm recently estranged from my parents , whereas my child free sister would have no clue how to look after a child. She hasn't even offered, and I doubt she'd prioritise this over work.

My MIL would love to help but I can't stand her, she makes me anxious and I wouldn't want her around when we're back with baby because DH only has a couple of weeks off and I want him to focus on us, not to micromanage his mum. She would need to stay with us, she may be of some help to him but definitely not to me(I know as a fact). We could ask her to leave the day of be due back with baby , but it's a 8000 km round trip and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for that either. My daughter also has never been alone with her.

She's actually never been alone at home/the night with anyone except our old nanny (who still babysits her monthly), but she has a new full time job and I'm not sure she could help.

Our daughter wouldn't be comfortable with anyone else, and no one has offered to help anyway.

I'm l starting to think going to give birth alone is my only option, but my DH wants to be there and want his mum to help, but we have history and I'm really uncomfortable around her, I can't imagine coming back from hospital and having to deal with her as well.

Am I missing anything? What do people with no village did when their second came?

Friends with children? We don't have a second but I'd be asking my friends I made with my first born to help, I know I'd do the same for them too and have offered (but they didn't need me in the end).

I was in a similar situation to you (long story, got resolved luckily), so I know how very stressful it is. I think your first step should be to contact your old nanny and explain the situation - if she is willing to help she has plenty of time to make arrangements to take leave from her current job. Maybe not likely, but no harm in asking! If not, consider who you would feel comfortable leaving your toddler with and spend the next few months developing their relationship so your toddler feels as comfortable as possible. Ideally someone who would easily be able to get to you last minute just in case things kick off before your C-section. Also, is there anyone you would feel comfortable having with you in the hospital - a friend or relative other than your mum? I only had one person I would have wanted to ask if DP couldn't be there, it's definitely not a spectator sport!! But if your DH does need to be at home with your toddler, it would be good for you to have someone to advocate for you if needed.

My DH did have to miss the birth of our second child for this reason. For our third we opted for a home birth and it was great as it stopped the stress of getting to hospital with no childcare and meant that both he and the children could all be there. Would that be an option for you?

Does she go to nursery? If so your planned caesarean should fit within the nursery day. Obviously need a back up plan if you go into labour early.

A couple of options here.

1. hire a doula. Then you have support and your DH can look after your daughter. A good doula is worth their weight in gold, especially if you want a VBAC

2. Ask the nanny. Yes she has a full time job but she can arrange annual leave / flexibility in order to support

3. does your daughter go to nursery / preschool? Any good friends? Get chatting to their parents and make friends. Then ask, other parents get it and you’ll be surprised how many would offer to be on the list to help.

If your first child goes to nursery or childcare, I’d schedule the c-section during those hours so your DH can be with you during nursery time.

For my second, DH’s cousin was there on the day I gave birth. For my 3rd, MIL was roped in!

I wanted my toddler at home for the birth of my second but got talked out of it. She would have loved it. Definitely having both stay home for the birth if we have a third.

Surely your sister has to suck this one up? I’m an only child but this is the job of family.

Our plan was for my husband ti drive us both ti the hospital and then stay with the toddler until we could find someone. We had friends who said they’d take her - from baby groups, nursery etc. and her key worker from preschool did babysitting on the side and very sweetly said she would come if she could. Basically a list of people to call down when the time came. A bag packed for her with snacks, clothes, nappies and a box of chocolates (for the adult!!!) next to my hospital bag. We don’t have a planned section so we had to find people who’d be happy to be woken up at 3am!

I wish!! She's 2000km away and has cancelled plans to see us in the past at the very last minute ... She'd be too unreliable and I don't want to rely on her for that :-/

That's my plan, though I'm not sure I'll be given much choice! Id love to get it over with in the morning and have my DH go home for dinner ..

We'll actually see her this weekend, I only need to convince my DH that it would be the best option, as he just wants his mum here :-/

The chance of me needing another emergency c section are unfortunately quite high based on my first birth,.and if that would happen then I'd prefer to be in hospital as it's quite a drive away , over 1h at rush hour :-(

The C section for our second baby was on our Monday, when our eldest was usually at home from nursery. We hired a babysitter for the day via a local babysitting agency and my husband then went back home for dinner and overnight. I always have to stay two nights as a precaution because of a heart condition, so the second day our eldest went to her usual nursery.
With our third the eldest two were at school/ nursery plus wrap around care, and again my husband went back home to pick them up, and was at home overnight.
it worked absolutely fine and meant I didn’t have to host anyone when I came back from hospital and could focus on the new baby and introducing him to his sibling/ siblings.

If you're due in February, you have a couple of months to get your toddler used to a babysitter or friend who would be willing to be with her when you given birth.
The other option would be for DH to be at home with your toddler and for you to have a close friend as your birth partner. I have been the birth partner for a friend before in this situation.
I wouldn't rely on scheduling the c-section during nursery hours or early in the day as there's too much chance that your slot keeps getting "bumped" due to emergencies. Ask me how I know 😅

You’ve got about 3 months (?) to build a relationship between your daughter and someone who could care for her while you’re in hospital, given that you have no support in general it sounds like you should onboard someone anyhow. I’m thinking maybe reach out locally for someone who does babysitting and explain your situation, build some time between them and your daughter over the next few weeks in readiness for the birth?