childcare for ds1 during labour

[HarrysMummy17]

I'm only 20 weeks into my second pregnancy but I'm already panicking about who will look after ds when I go into labour.

I live 7 hours away from my mum. Dp's mum lives in our village but has ms with limited mobility so it wouldn't be fair to either her or ds to leave him with her. Dp also has aunts/uncles local but ds is very shy and wouldn't stay with them.

I don't know what to do with him! If I HAVE to leave him with someone he won't be comfortable with I'll be constantly worrying about him rather than baby 2 coming.

My mum is happy to hop in the car whenever I phone her (she or my brother seem the only people ds is comfortable with) but like I said, she's a 7 hour drive. She's booked off work the 2 weeks when I'm due but ds1 came very very quickly at 32 weeks!

I don't even know what advice anyone could give but I don't want to spend the rest of the pregnancy worrying about this!

I felt similarly worried, DS was 22 months when DD was due.
I considered all the possibilities and in the end, opted for a home birth for DD, which meant there was more flexibility for help to arrive (apart from midwife) and I wouldn't have to leave DS.
In the end I went into labour about 5pm, put DS to bed at 7.30pm as usual, Grandparents arrived late evening, gave birth at 5.45am, DS woke up at 6am.......all fine!

If you are only 20 weeks now, then you have plenty of time for him to get used to being around other people.
I'm a bit puzzled that he "wouldn't stay with" relatives who are local, but you seem to indicate he would be fine with a relative who lives a 7 hour journey away.
You just get some people who will come over in the middle of the night, if need be, and a back up person in case they can't for any reason, and they get on with it.

Thanks for the replies. I considered a home birth but I'm not overly keen.

Ds just won't stay with other people. I don't know why he's comfortable with my mum snd brother as he sees them a handful of times a year.,

The relatives that are close by, if we go to their house or they are in ours he just screams and clings on to me.
He's started to become comfortable with mil but like I said she has mobility issues and has already stated she'd prefer not to have him without someone else there.

The other relative all aldi so have families and jobs so there's no guarantee anyone would be free.

So Aunt could help MiL at her house with him? He's then in a house he's familiar with an aunt can stay in the background so to speak.

Aunt works as a carer with long hours including night shifts so I wouldn't want to assume she would be available. I know people rally round but we've only seen her twice in the last year. It's not like we have regular contact.

I know it sounds like I'm looking for excuses but I'm do paranoid about things like this.

My first labour was fast. I had ds at home, on my own as he was born at 32 weeks and my labour lasted 25 minutes. If I knew this time would be the same I might not worry as much! Over and done with quickly!

How would you feel giving birth on your own or with a friend rather than dp?
I would call your mum and have dp try and leave him with family until she gets there. If it fails he waits for your mum.

Do you think he would be happier if someone came to your house rather than being left in an unfamiliar house?

Dp has suggested that he stays with ds and I go to hospital alone. I have no close friends here so it would just be me. I guess I did it completely alone the first time!
Maybe that could be the solution. Hopefully my mum would arrive in time for dp to leave ds with her. It would be a shame if dp missed the second birth too!

Ds would definitely be more comfortable in his own home. He gets very upset if his routine changes.

How about hiring a private doula who you can get to know well before the birth and who then supports you through the birth? That way your DP can stay with your son and your mum can make her way down for extra support after the birth? I sympathise- my daughter will only stay with my mum too! X

Sounds like you should have a home birth or go alone to hospital. Midwives will look after you of course

Do you have any local parent friends? My mum also came to stay around due date but my back up was the mum of a friend of dc1 (she's my friend too of course via our kids), she was happy to be called on.

How old is your ds? To be honest his routine is going to massively change when dc2 comes along so it's just something to consider.

I had this when due with dd2. I had mentally prepared to give birth alone but in the end dh and dd1 were able to stay. Dd1 sat out in a little waiting area near mw station which was just outside my room and dh went between us. Dd1 is nearly 5 though so was happy to sit and watch tablet with headphones.

And l had a very quick labour and birth, 4 hours so she didn't get too bored

I would happily leave ds with whoever would have him
I think my needs would come first. and that of the new baby

My MIL is just as far away (my mum is further) and came to stay a week before my due date. Gives everyone a chance to settle into a routine and be comfortable, and avoids a pressurised 7hour journey for your mum if she came ahead of time. You could then ask close by relatives to drop by to lend her a hand if necessary/if they can? We also looked after some friends' kids when their mum went into labour, I understand get that this might not be an option for you. They only came for an afternoon but were prepared with bags of overnight things just in case.

How old is ds? I think you spend the next few months managing his anxiety around being left with other people, he won't be able to have full attention when the new baby comes so kinder and easier he gets used to having short periods without you now?

Is he at nursery/childminder? Perhaps they would be happy to be available if you need some help out of hours or overnight.

Ds will have just turned 3 when baby comes. I am struggling with just trying to explain about baby at the moment. He has delayed speech so I have no idea if he understand there is a baby in mummy's tummy.

I only know 2 other mums in the village. One will also have a newborn by the time I go into labour and the other has 2 children and a full time job an hour away.

Ds isn't at nursery. We tried nursery in September and failed. It seemed to set him back completely. After our attempts at trying to leave him he became even more clingy and refused to leave my side at things he used to enjoy such as soft play and toddler groups etc.
We considered a childminder but we can't afford it. Just after I became pregnant do learnt we was to be made redundant in Jan so funds are now very tight whilst he retrains to get another job ASAP.

I know ds's routine will change dramatically and I'm having nightmares about this too but trying to worry about one thing at a time!

In your position I would look at hiring a doula to be with me for the birth until oh could get there so he can look after DS

There is usually a fund for those wanting a doula but not able to afford it easy, if this applies due to redundancy etc

I would hire a nanny for 2 weeks. Hire for the week before and after to allow for early/ slightly late baby. A month booking even better. Then they could come part time the week before to get to know him a bit, stay with him whilst your away, then help with him and baby after

If you can afford a month that would work. Could get a maternity nanny who will be available 24/7 but will look after toddler as well as baby. After birth they will help with both and you

Id never heard of a doula. I will look into it.
I think I would be OK about giving birth alone after thinking about it. I did the the first time and I didn't have a midwife! It could all go to plan, labour be long enough this time and my mum would get here in time!

Also you can combine friends with your mother

So have two friends lined up who can have toddler 7 hours whilst your mother travels down. Prob less time if you call her down as soon as first niggles happen.

There aren't many doulas close to me. The nearest (17miles) has a charge of £500. There is no way we can afford it without help. Good to know it's an option though!

We had this concern. You just have to make sure you've asked as many different people as possible so you have options.

One thing we did which hasn't been mentioned yet is that when the time came, DC1 came with us when DH took me to the hospital. It meant I didn't have to get there alone, DS liked knowing where I was (obviously explained it in advance) and then it gave DH a bit more time to find out who was available and go with DS to get him settled. We were constantly in touch so he knew my progress and I was reassured that DS was ok with friends. Only hard part was hiding the pain I was in during contractions as I didn't want to scare him. Mine was manageable at that stage but if things move quicker it might not be a good option.

One thing an older friend told me that I didn't believe but turned out to be very true is that once things get going you really won't think about DC1 at all. Just make sure he's safe, if he's unhappy, well, it's not ideal but he will get over it.

I packed him a little bag (with his input) alongside mine and explained that when the baby came he would need to go visit a friend but daddy would come back for him as soon as the baby arrived. Explain the scenario lots - there are lots of good big brother/sister books out there too.

In the end it will be fine, honestly, this was my biggest worry leading up to the birth which is silly in heinsight.

Thank you ladies. I feel better about the situation after talking about it.

I think I'll go with we call my mum as soon as I think it's time.

Mil on standby if I go into labour overnight. Dp brings her to our and she stays whilst do takes me to the hospital. Then he comes home for when ds wakes.

If it's day time, dp brings ds to hospital to drop me off and then he can sort him out until my mum gets here.