Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Flip

Original poster

Who have you got/did you have present at the birth?

22 replies

lilwelshyrs · 09/05/2015 19:04

This is my first pregnancy, first grandchild on my side of the family. My mum is super excited and was very keen to come to my scans, which I politely declined as I really wanted it to be just me and DH. She is also desperate to be by my side at the birth.
I am considering a home birth at the mo as I'm low risk. I do kinda want my mum nearby as we are very close, but at the same time she can really stress me out.

Who did you have present? Did your parents come? Friends have said they didn't allow anyone round for a couple of days after the birth... I'm not sure I'd do that, but I can see the appeal.
Mum also isn't local so would have to stay at mine or in a hotel :-/

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

ISpyPlumPie · 09/05/2015 19:10

For me, if you weren't a HCP or present at the conception, you weren't going to be at birth so I just had DH with me. Was totally the right decision for me, but it is a really individual thing.

I wasn't as bothered about visitors afterwards - all of the grandparents visited on the first day both times but again it's really up to you/depends on how the birth goes etc.

Good luck

ThursdayLast · 09/05/2015 19:14

If you can recognise now that she had potential to stress you out Id keep her away. I feel the same way about my mother and there's no way she would have helped no matter where I'd given birth.

Good luck! Have you long to go?

TakesTwoToTango · 09/05/2015 19:15

No! No way I could had had her there (in the nicest possible way)! She has met both her dgc the day they were born but that is enough for me (and her I think). I had DH with me and necessary medical professionals only (in one case there were rather a lot of them, but they were needed). I've heard it said that only people present at the conception should ideally be present at the birth. I wouldn't go quite as far as excluding the midwives but for me childbirth is the most stressful, painful and downright terrifying time in my life and I only wanted people there who 100% would help me. My mum would try, but there would've so much other emotional investment for her (the life of her daughter and grandchild) that I don't think she would have been able to be there completely for me iyswim.

Original poster

lilwelshyrs · 09/05/2015 20:08

She massively stressed me out on mine and DH wedding day... Thankfully I had some wonderful bridesmaids who deflected the situation for me!
I'm not due til November so have plenty of time to think it over.
I like the idea of "only the people present at the conception" being there at birth

If we have a home birth, I just want to chill out with DH and midwives (and the dogs haha) without having to worry about mums dietry needs (she's coeliac) or her flapping... If we had a hospital birth, I always imagined her being in the hospital but not by my side... But because she's not local, I don't think that would be practical because Id have to have her in the house...

Gosh I sound so mean

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't want/didn't have their mum present at birth!

No idea how to break it to her...

OP posts:

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 10/05/2015 16:12

Hey! I had a homebirth and had my partner there and for the last bit my son! (Labour started at 11pm when he was in bed, he woke up at 6 and was pottering up and down the stairs and came down to see his baby sister lifted out of the pool!)

I didn't even tell my mum I was in labor.

If you are considering a home birth and your mum is a bit 'flappy' I wouldn't have her there, you need everyone present to have 100% trust in you and your surroundings and your midwives! My mum would have been panicking and insisting on going hospital (even though nothing was wrong) and could well have persuaded me to transfer in!

Camsie30 · 10/05/2015 16:15

I'm single (by chiice) and had my Mum and a doula at my birth. Along with an incredible midwife it was the most beautiful, powerful experience. Personally I don't think it's a place for a man but each to their own

Bombaybunty · 11/05/2015 13:19

Only my DH was there (other than the hospital staff). MIL was very keen to be there, she had booked time off work. She also turned up on my due date, DS came four days later.

In the end I asked my partner to speak to his Dad to make sure she didn't turn up on the day. This was after I had said I would have her removed!

Your baby, your choice of who's with you.

Fattycow · 11/05/2015 23:00

Just me, DH and the midwife.

MrsNuckyThompson · 11/05/2015 23:04

I haven't the faintest idea why any woman would want anyone other than her partner there (unless of course he can't be there for some reason). Say no fgs!

guineapig1 · 12/05/2015 11:31

Me, DH and midwives/ doctors. Am close to my mum but would definitely not have wanted her there. To the pp who said that she didn't think it was a place for a man and I respect her opinion, I think most women would want their partner there for support.

Iloveonionchutney · 12/05/2015 11:38

I had my dh there and various hcp's, (I had an assisted delivery). I couldn't imagine getting through it without my dh and I couldn't imagine getting through it at all with my dm lol. She is supportive in some ways but stresses me out too much. She was at the hospital half hour after the birth though to meet her dgd.

Dreamcatcher1980 · 12/05/2015 11:46

With my 1st I was single. They tried induction, then took me to have em section so no-one was with me. There wouldn't have been time for anyone to get to hospital even if I had wanted someone there.
This time its a planned section and we've agreed just him and me. I feared his mum and/ or sis would want to be there (I'm quite close to them) but he has agreed he will put his foot down and tell them NO!! I was glad when he said it as I didn't want to have to be the one to say no.
I like the idea that its only those present at conception.
Totally agree with pp only people who are 100% there for you, aren't going to stress you and most importantly if you want them there. If you're concerned she wont like it have a chat with your midwife, get her onside then tell your mum midwife said only your DH should be there.

Original poster

lilwelshyrs · 12/05/2015 15:37

Wow, thank you everyone! I'm really glad it's totally normal for mums to be to not want their DMs or DMIL present at birth.

I think I will leave it for a few more months before I break it to her.
She's very excited and that's really sweet but she doesn't really understand what she's saying or the reaction I have to what she says haha :)

OP posts:

RhiannonElward · 12/05/2015 15:50

Just for balance, I had my Mam and DP with me in labour for my first. Basically I didn't know how DP would cope, he stresses a lot and can be squeamish, so I thought he might need a fresh-air break and I'd have back-up. He wasn't keen at first, but my mother got to the hospital quite late, and the second she arrived dp took a break, and he'd been pretty squeamish, feeling faint when I had my epidural, so the break definitely helped, and I felt like I didn't have to worry about him. In the end I had a c-section and only dp was allowed to accompany me to theatre though. We did the second just me and dp and our third will be just us too.

Skiptonlass · 14/05/2015 08:39

I absolutely love my mum to bits, and she's supportive and low maintenance.

But partner only at the birth. Get some boundaries in place at the start!

Betsyblue · 14/05/2015 08:44

Just my husband. I wouldn't want anyone else there at all except midwives etc- the idea totally horrifies me actually.

I'm really close to my mum but no way would I want her there. She wouldn't want to be either- I think it's a moment just for my husband and I.

weeblueberry · 14/05/2015 21:07

I love my mum so so much. We're so close, speak every day, she's the secondary carer for my daughter (after myself and DP) and is basically like a 30 years older version of me.

I still wouldn't have her at my birth.

She's fabulous but has the very real potential to stress me out unknowingly. Thankfully she said at my first birth that she felt the arrival of our first daughter was something that was for my partner and I to experience and I realised she was right. Wise mother....bad potential birth partner lol.

Acorncat · 15/05/2015 20:47

I went into labour in the middle of the night so didn't tell my parents, and couldn't get a phone signal in the birthing unit so couldn't tell them at all until DH went outside to send my text a few hours after the birth. My mum came in at visiting hours which I was glad about. But at the actual birth, no!

spad · 15/05/2015 22:27

My DH, and of course the midwives.

If my DH couldn't make it I would rather be on my own. With the midwives of course. The idea if a friend or my Mum being there truly horrifies me. And anyone who stresses you ordinarily should definitely not be there!

DougalTheCheshireCat · 19/05/2015 08:44

There will be other times on your parenting journey that you need to say no to your mum. Think of this as a warm up =)

We didn't tell anyone I was in labour. My mum wanted to know, in fact got DH to promise he'd ring her. When I found out, I spoke to her the next time we met up and explained that wasn't going to happen. She's a worrier and I knew she'd just worry until the baby had safely arrived, and I knew I didn't need that thought in the back of my head. It was the right decision as I had a long labour and no doubt she would have been climbing the walls, phoning DH for news and either winding him up or getting even more worried if he didn't pick up.

I can't remember exactly how I put it, I described how we'd call her first when the baby was born and she said 'oh, so I won't know when you go into labour' and I said, no all the advice we've been given is you don't know how long it's going to be so better to keep it private. And she was ok with that.

Personally I'd advise against having her at the hospital, your DH will feel obliged to bring her updates when he should be focusing on you. She can visit soon enough once your baby is safely born.

MrsTedCrilly · 19/05/2015 13:26

I had my partner and MIL, who I normally love but wish she hadn't been there. It meant I had two sets of eyes on me, staring at me while I'm farting away on my hands and knees! They kept going for cig breaks too. I'm sure it was beneficial to my partner as he had support, but I wanted all his attention while I'm going through that. It was also two people against one for talking me into/out of things.

littleostrich · 19/05/2015 17:43

Before the birth I only wanted DH with me. We actually had a few little disagreements about it, because I didn't want anyone waiting in the hospital either - I just wanted to call our parents when it was all over - but DH felt that they should be nearby for support. We never really came to a conclusion on this, but DS's early arrival at 34 weeks took the decision away from us anyway! It all happened so quickly and I was terrified, so my mum ended up staying in the room with us the whole time. She was brilliant and it turns out that I really appreciated having her there as well as DH - if/when we have another child I actually think I'll ask her again. But it really should be down to the woman giving birth and anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed needs to stay far away until you're ready for them.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread