i keep reliving the birth..

[lilmamma]

I was a birth partner for my daughter,and all i can say is never again..She was in labour for over 30 hours,from start to finish.she did really well on just gas and air,and bouncing on the ball.but the look of pain on her face was upsetting,she was totally exhausted at the end,and couldnt push anymore,she ended up having forceps,they only numbed her below,and wouldnt let her have any gas,i felt like i was going to pass out.she also had to be cut.

She has a real bad needle phobia,so had no injections.once the baby was born,she was looking over the baby lying on her chest as she saw a needle,coming towards her.

I kept saying look at the baby,but she couldnt get over the needle,i could see the one the doctor was going to use to stitch her up,and the look of sheer terror in her face,i had to look away.

later on in the room,she started to bleed a bit,i told the nurse,and she said it was because she had just stood up,my daughter went to get a shower,and called me as she was bleeding again,i called the nurse and i could hear her saying ,has the bleeding stopped now,which had,my daughter then shouted me again,and to my horror,there was thick blood all over the floor the walls and all over the toilet,i ran for the nurse again,and she ran in and next thing all alarms were ringing and loads of people ran in,the carried my daughters body,onto the be and i have never seen so much blood in my life.she was totally grey and her huge brown eyes looks really big .

its upsetting me typing this,they couldnt get the drips in her hand,and all the while the blood was pumping,in the end they managed to stop the blood and get several drips into her,and did swabs to make sure she had no clots.

She was well looked after,and now is home,but every time i think about it,i get upset and keep on seeing her lifeless face and its so hard to stop it.they said her uterus was completely exhausted,and didnt tighten back up.

i know it will fade in time,but i dont think i could ever go into a birth again.
on a lighter note,as she was haemorraging,she looked at the all the nurses and doctors and said,i need to get back in the bathroom,i have left it in a mess,bless her .

oh gosh, how traumatic for all of you. i don't have any shared experience but just wanted you to know i'd read your post and can imagine how incredibly difficult it must have been for you to watch all this, as her mother. These memories will fade, though of course the pain won't go away for a long time. You did an amazing thing for your daughter by being there with her. Imagine how much harder it would have been for her, if you'd not been there. i believe many partners are traumatised by what they see their partners go through giving birth, so what you are feeling is probably not unusual. most births involve some pretty difficult scenes, though the haemorrage must have been incredibly frightening.

Dear lilmamma, the scenes you describe are very similar to what happened when I haemorraged so I very much understand how terrifying a scene it is. My DH was there and I did think how awful it must have been for him to witness it. I suffered bad flashbacks for a while afterwards. I was told by nurses that my crying was probably a touch of 'baby blues' due to hormones, and whilst I'm sure this was partly the case, I also felt more deeply traumatised. In fact I wondered if I needed to talk to someone about it, but a friend who works in psychology recommended giving it a couple of months, as very often flashbacks etc resolve by then apparently. In my case this has been true, and although if I think about it it still frightens me, I am not troubled by usually, and would still like to have another baby one day. For my part, I can't help thinking that being totally unaware that such a thing could happen didn't help because I wasn't sure the doctors would be able to stop the bleeding. But then again, perhaps I would have been even more terrified if I had known in advance - hard to say. Sorry for rambling, but what I mean to say is that, it is natural to feel trauma after seeing this happen to someone you love, and it must have been horrible not being able to do anything medical for her, but your being there for her was, and is, so so important. I have really appreciated my DH's support and patience, especially in the early days when things kept replaying in my mind. I hope that your daughter is recovering now (I found the anaemia really difficult - but it does get better). You don't mention how long ago the birth was, but I hope that as the weeks pass, things will get better for you both. If not there are people to talk to, but I am sure you will feel better soon. What an amazing experience to have together and congratulations on your grandchild.

I'm sorry to read about your experiences. Is this a helpful organisation for you?
Birth Trauma Association

I think you're having some Post-Traumatic Stress. I had one of those births, forceps in theatre, ready for C/S if necessary, and DH told me later he saw a lake of blood on the theatre floor and had the completely stunning thought that "there's only one person bleeding in here and it's my wife". He said the image of all the blood and that thought came back to him frequently at unpredictable moments.

You've just been through an event that was supposed to be joyful and exciting and instead turned out to be something out of a slasher film - and the person it was happening to is someone you love so, so much. Of course you're shocked and traumatized. Flashbacks are the brain's way of trying to cope with something that it actually can't cope with.

Sometimes the aftereffects of this kind of thing fade by themselves. Sometimes they don't. I don't know if you've said how long it's been? But if you feel this distressed longer than a couple of weeks, see if you can speak with someone - a counsellor, or maybe even someone at the hospital where your daughter gave birth. They usually have someone available to debrief the baby's mum after a difficult birth - perhaps they can stretch that to include the mum's mum? :)

May I suggest one thing - I may get flamed for this, I hope not - but your daughter will have her own traumatic memories to deal with. If you can, maybe don't mention to her how shaken you are because she might feel guilty even though it obviously isn't her fault.
I'm only speaking from my experience - it all went terribly shit, and I felt terrible that DH and my mum were so upset.

((((HUGS)))) to all of you.

Thankyou for all your lovely replies,he birth was 8 days ago,so i suppose it is early days.The amazing thing is,she said next time,I was thinking next time after all that,she would have an epidural,as she has had so many needles,she wouldnt mind just one.

i agree that sometimes it is better not to know so much,i remember thinking when she was on the bed,i saw something like this on a film and the woman needed a hysterectomy to save her life,so im grateful this didnt happen.

its just that when you read childbirth mags etc,there isnt really any mention about hemorrages,and maybe when she bled the 2nd time,i might have been aware of what was going to happen,but there wouldnt really have been anything i could of done to prevent it..

Just wanted to say I had a traumatic birth and me and husband were affected by it. It will lessen the more time but you dont forger. Fyi I have just been in and booked an elective c section for my second and they have agreed due to birth trauma so dont let it put her off in future...