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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

DP does not want to be in for C-section

31 replies

readerholic · 15/07/2010 19:47

Have a breech baby and in all likelyhood they are going to do a c-section in a few days time. We had hoped for a natural birth but not to be. I have kind of come to terms with it but now DP says he does not want to be in the c-section. He keeps saying it's an operation and he doesn't want to see 'all of that' - he'll come in after. I have pointed out that you don't see anything - just my head and that coming in afterwards will surely give you more of an eyeful as I will still be being stitched up for a long time.
I do understand, as quite frankly I am not keen on being there either! But i dont want to miss seeing him see the baby for the first time - it's our first, and also I am not feeling v brave about doing it alone.
He has said that if I really want him to be there then of course he will but I know he really doesn't feel comfortable about it.
Anyone had any previous experience of reluctant partners? is it fairly normal for the dad to wait outside and then come in after?
Should I just ask him to be there, even though I know he'll be doing something he is uncomfortable with.
thoughts and opinions would be gratefully received.

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ReasonableDoubt · 15/07/2010 19:50

He won't have to see anything. A screen goes up and it is all hidden from sight unless you want to look. It's a lot less gory than vaginal birth, I assure you!

I can understand that he feels frightened, but really - he is worrying about nothing and will miss the most wonderful and emotional moment of his life if he chooses to wait outside. And to be honest, he should be thinking about you and what you want. What do you want?

blowninonabreeze · 15/07/2010 19:51

Have you anyone else you could have with you?

I appreciate that you would like him to be there, but TBH now you know that he's not keen, you'll spend the whole time worrying that he'll be OK rather than thinking about yourself.

I think that in any sort of childbirth, you need support from someone thinking entirely about you, rather than being concerned about their own worries.

POFAKKEDDthechair · 15/07/2010 19:54

Yes he should stay with you at your head and he won't see a thing. I think he should do it to support you but not if it is going to be a pressure on you. Bit silly of him I think, I mean you're the one going through the whole blinking thing.

ConnorTraceptive · 15/07/2010 19:55

Have had 2 natural births and believe me DH didn't have anywhere to hide when it came to seeing the gore!

Keep talking to your DP and let him know how much you need his support. Could your midwife have a chat with him and reassure him?

zapostrophe · 15/07/2010 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Harimo · 15/07/2010 19:59

As others have said, he can stand 'head end' (or as my DH liked to call 'the executive box' - he had no need to go 'pitch side' - He's not really football mad, but it was the FA cup Final that day!)

BUT... I don't think you should push him. In both cases, I had a doula with me too, so if for anything came up and he couldn't be there (he works abroad and both CSs have been planned to make sure he was at home) I would have someone I could trust with me.

Lulumaam · 15/07/2010 20:03

he will not be able to see anything , unless he chooses too. he will be at your head.. unless he stands up and peers over the screen , he won't see

also, good tip is don't look at the lights, you'll see things reflected you might not want to

you can request the screen is lowered as the baby is born, but then it is raised again whilts you are stitched, which is the longest part of the procedure

he can concentrate on holding your hand and looking at your face, and then looking at the baby , in all honesty, he does not need ot see any of the procedure

if he desperately does not want to be there, don't force the issue.. you don't want to spend the c.section birth worrying about whether he is ok

you can take one other person with you.. maybe your mum, sister or best friend can be with you and your DH can hold the baby in recovery whilst you are stitched and then you can reunite in the recovery area?

Haliborange · 15/07/2010 20:05

I think there is less yucky stuff to be seen during a section than a normal delivery, and presumably he was going to be there for that?

I know people say they plan to stay away from the business end in a vaginal delivery but my BIL says "you don't want to but can't help looking". There's a curtain there in a cs and the worst my DH saw was a jar of my blood they had suctioned away, all of 400 mls. He was amazed by how clean it all was!

I am not sure the hospital types would want your DH wandering in during the op as he might get an eyeful. They generally have the partners sit on a stool next to your head and stay there.

I'd say you should ask your DH to get over it and come. I couldn't hold my DD1 after she was born (nor DD2 for that matter, but that time because I was asleep!) but it was lovely to have DH hold her near my face so I could watch her blow bubbles. I guess maybe a MW could have done that but it really wouldn't have been the same, and I bet the MW wouldn't have put my DD inside the top of her scrubs, which is what my DH did.

kickassangel · 15/07/2010 20:08

i had em cs. dh was strongly discouraged from trying to look 0 there were about 7 people the other side of the screen & he'd have just got in the way.
otoh, i just had the anesthetist, who was fully occupied checking the 'stuff' he needed to check, and I REALLY needed someone to talk to me - otherwise you're nothing but a bag waiting to be emptied.

talk to him, reassure him if poss, explain why YOU might need him. if he really feels he can't cope (and he has the easiest part of it, so should be willing to try, imo) then find someone sympathetic to go in with you.

i doubt if he'll be allowed to pop in after - he may have to wait several hours til the docs have finished & take you out of surgery before he gets to see lo.

it was also great for dh to be the first to hold dd, and to spend time with her while i was sewn up etc.

LittleSilver · 15/07/2010 20:44

On the fence here. I see his point but really, if you've got to be there so should he!!!

EmmaBemma · 16/07/2010 07:36

I think he should just man up and get on with it! As LittleSilver says, you've got no option but to be present, and supporting you should be his main concern.

SuzieHomemaker · 16/07/2010 08:02

I've had 3 C-sections. DH attended for all 3 and I was really glad that he was there and I dont think that he would have missed it for the world. It really isnt gory because all you have to look at is a green sheet.

DH did look rather handsome (in an ER/Gray's Anatomy sort of way) in the scrubs!

By the way, my DC2 & 3's births were really beautiful and calm experiences so please dont worry about having a C-section it really is only a way of getting here. DC1 was a crash C-section so I wouldnt recommend that!

TheBossofMe · 16/07/2010 08:09

zapostrophe - I don't think its as simple as requesting a GA and getting one - that's a major bit of anaesthisia there, and AFAIK, they don't do them for Csections unless there are medical reasons (eg no time for spinal block)

PadmeHum · 16/07/2010 08:10

I'll go against the tide here.

I think your DH needs to grow a pair. He doesn't need to see anything, he doesn't need to stick his hands in there or consult with the OB. He DOES need to be there to hold your hand and whisper how much he loves you - whilst you are being cut open to deliver his baby.

Taking the baby out of equation (i.e. first cuddle etc), I think he is being incredibly selfish to even consider leaving you on your own to deal with this.

Just my two penneth.

ThatDamnDog · 16/07/2010 08:11

I'm with the "mannin-up" brigade. My section was peaceful and calm (also for breech) and fine, but I was still scared shitless. DP not being there wasn't optional.

Having said that I can sympathise because it is scary, probably bad as a man when you're meant to be the big protector and yet your missus is undergoing surgery and there's nothing you can do. I think you should try to find out which midwife you are likely to have (you still get one!) and get her to go through the whole thing beforehand, with both of you. Then he can decide. There's nothing to see, nothing at all. Maybe if a staff member goes through this with him he'll feel reassured.

LittleSilver · 16/07/2010 08:16

I requested a GA for an elCS for non medical reasons. Had meeting with anaesthetist, explained my very clear rationale and she said no problem. Boss is absolutely right though, there are excellent reasons for not having a GA.

fragola · 16/07/2010 08:28

I was scared before my section, but I HAD to be there - I didn't have a choice! I would have felt even more scared without dp sitting beside me.

I really think your husband needs to think of you and try and work through any fears that he has. Has he told you specifically what it is that's worrying him? If it's the thought of seeing the operation he needn't worry at all as it's all behind the screen - he'd see much more gore at a normal delivery. At my antenatal class at my local hospital, they had some photographs of the operating theatre and of someone having a section (you couldn't see the actual op) . Maybe your hospital might have something similar that might reassure him?

fragola · 16/07/2010 08:29

Sorry, meant to say my husband, your dp.

LadyThompson · 16/07/2010 08:51

Actually, whilst I think it is preferable he is there, I don't think he should be forced if he finds the thought of it distressing. My DP wasn't keen as he is incredibly squeamish, and whilst I was annoyed, I did understand. However, he made a superhuman effort and stayed and I promise you, he didn't see anything yucky. All your DP will see is you from the waist up and a massive screen, and then they will peep the baby over the top of the screen when he/she is out and then hand the baby over wrapped in a blanket. DP is really glad he was there.

mummytime · 16/07/2010 09:19

My DH is very squeamish, and was fine. He did have to look away if anyone so much as produced a needle. If he is really going to be ill, then let him not be there, but let him have the option to the last minute. You should have a nice anesthetist and nurse to talk to, who aren't really involved in the down there bit.

cory · 16/07/2010 10:16

I felt very much like fragola about it: seeing that I had to be there and nobody would have cared about any squeamishness on my part, I would have been rather put out if dh hadn't felt he had to be there too. Basically, when we agreed to have a child we agreed to the thought that I would go through a lot of pain and take some potential risks with my health: to me, that would also constitute an agreement about dh putting himself through stress and fear to support me. A man who can calmly contemplate the thought of his wife going through childbirth with all that entails and so gets her pregnant, but then freaks at the thought of himself having to go through anything scary and stressful would, quite frankly, get on my tits.

Having said that, I don't know how I would have reacted if dh had not been in a state to be supportive. Perhaps you'd be better off with somebody else.

But I have to say, when dh was seriously ill in hospital, I did not refuse to visit him because it might upset me and tbh I can't imagine anyone giving me a sympathetic response if I had. A section is far less upsetting than a number of serious illnesses and accidents I could think of. Why is a man allowed to think of his own sensibilitites if a woman is not?

Acanthus · 16/07/2010 10:30

If I had had to have a CS (which I didn't) then I would have kept my eyes closed, as I did when I went to theatre for my extensive post-natural-delivery stitching. That's not really what you'll expect from your DP I'm guessing?

Get him to make an effort if he can. But, tbh, if I had to sit in on a CS there is quite a high chance that I would pass out and if your DP is the same then you'll have to take that into account, however hard he tries. There'll be staff there for you as well as him, they'll be good to you. I was in theatre with just the staff and it did't even occur to me that it should be any other way, tbh. DH was left holding the baby!

Strix · 16/07/2010 10:33

I'm sorry (actually I'm not) but he is a selfish git. Does he think it would be more fun to lie on the table and have his belly sliced open and then sewn back up?

I can understand not wanting to be there. I can not understand for one nano second seriously considering that his desire to not be there is more important to him than his role as a partner/father in supporting you. Does he think you have a choice?

You are obviously nicer than he is since you are considering going this alone when he abviously has not considered that you may need his support.

Chaotica · 16/07/2010 10:42

While DP went into my cs willingly, after being traumatised by seeing a 'natural' birth, I don't know whether I'd have forced him in if he'd indicated that he might find it too much. He didn't see anything, helped me and got to do the important stuff with DS.

Personnally, I think you should get your DP to go in. But the theatre staff did say they have men fainting in there, which really can't help matters. If it's this bad (or this is likely), I'd ask for a nurse to hold your hand and get your DP to scrub up to run in afterwards.

lovely74 · 16/07/2010 10:50

If this was my DP I'd listen, sympathise and tell him he that he had no choice, he's being there! I ended up with a EMCS and DH was by my side. Next time I hope to have a ELCS and he shall be by my side once more.

He can say he doesn;t want to be there because he doesn;t actually have to be, but you certainly do. Like you said, what he's worried about ("seeing all that") doesn't actually happen. He's said he'll be there if you really want him to be. You KNOW he won't see anything bad, so he'll be fine.

I saw preganancy and birth as something we were in together, even though I was the one giving birth

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