New mum with autism

[AutisticMummy]

Hello, I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first child and I have autism and adhd. I was wondering if there's any other autistic mums who can give some advice, I'm worried that I'll accidentally neglect or abuse my child because of my disabilities. Like, what if there's days she's crying a lot and I end up having a meltdown because of all the noise? Or I miss a signal she's trying to send so I don't do the thing she needs?
I'm probably just overthinking a lot rn but I'm still worried so any advice or tips from other autistic people would be very appreciated xx

I'm not an autistic mum, but my mother in law was/is. She was a fantastic mum to my neurotypical DH. She found the first couple of years quite hard, just in terms of understanding what he needed/wanted, but she worked logically and had really creative solutions to things. DH is one of the most mentally healthy people I have ever met - she did a really good job.
Make lists, ask for advice from other mums, and trust yourself! I am a parent of an autistic ADHD young person, and they would have been better off with an autistic parent who understood their way of experiencing the world. You could find that being autistic is a huge advantage.

AuDHD parent here, although I know the spectrum is big so for clarity I’ll say that I generally function somewhat well - work/study/socialise/no cognitive difficulties. However lots of sensory sensitivity for me, but communication/interaction is generally good now as an adult (forced myself to learn how to socialise as a teen desperate to be social), I am quite a rigid and ritualised person in how I like things - especially environment. I will also say I studied psychology and worked in mental health/with ND children from birth to teens, so had experience of children before having kids.

I find some things hard, not so much the being touched which I was surprised about, I’m more cuddly than I thought (not like that with others just my DC!), but the constant noise and talk. Im naturally quiet and my internal world is busy, so having to talk and externalise everything was very hard.

Routines were great, I was fab at that, able to provide lots of structure and containment. Fab at building games/crafts. Terrible at rough play and imagination based play but DH loves that stuff. Terrible when I’m tired, my brain completely shuts down and that’s when I stop functioning well, again, luckily DH can do well on less sleep if needed. I was also great at being hyper attuned to health due to my sensory needs so spotted quite a few illnesses for DC before they got bad and I am a relentless/detailed person so got it sorted with lots of evidence and tracking to GPs.

What helped me: supportive and equal parenting between me and DH, reading lots and knowing lots about kids in advance, family network, routines, learning how to nap!, slowly building in some flexibility for myself due to my own rigidity

what was hard: the noise, so much noise! Illnesses. Tiredness.

And lists - so many lists! I love tracking things and pattern building/planning so this helped.

A daily walk helped, also, especially being able to have a moment of quiet.

I have ADHD and ASD and have 2 DCs who are still young. It’s very, very hard, and my needs have to be put last it’s like I’m in constant overwhelm. When they’re babies everything has to be done when they need and there’s lots of sleepless nights. I get touched out a lot. There’s also nursery runs, school runs, activities, parties all have to be organised and attended. There’s no way I could get through it by myself without my DH to help. I love them though and I wouldn’t change having them.

One thing I would say is that autism is often genetic. It’s likely your DC may also have autism. My dd is on the waiting list for assessment at the moment.

Hello I'm autistic and my dc are 15 and 10 now. I used to wear ear defenders when they were babies, just enough to block the high pitch crying but not enough to block it so I couldn't hear them crying just sort of put their crying from max volume to ten volume instead. It was a life saver.
Signals wise, they crying they want something either milk, to be held, cuddled, rocked to sleep, held to sleep, wind or a bit of trapped wind i would have a check list and go through it all till I found it. You got this op 💗 I would say it gets a bit harder as they get older and need to socialise, I used to take dh with me to nursery and school parties to help with that side. I know another autistic mum who does the same with her partner so seems a comment thing to do.

Yes this too. Both mine are also autistic.

The fact you’re already thinking about this shows how much you care about getting it right. Babies can be overwhelming, especially with sensory sensitivities, so having a plan for when you need a quiet break and asking for help when things feel too much can make a big difference. You won’t get every signal right all the time, and that’s okay.

Find a absolutely foolproof way of ensuring you never forget them in the back of the car or near water by getting distracted while not having them in view, everything else you can sort out as you go along.

I wish these were available when my kids were young: Loop earplugs (https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-homepage-lp2)

These would have helped immensely with my noise sensitivities - I could have been tuned into my kids but not as overwhelmed as I was.

My eldest is waiting on an autism diagnosis, but, while it was clear that we shared some sensitivities, he was also opposite me in a lot of ways. I don't like touch, and he craved sensory input. Think literally bouncing off walls. So your kid could take after you, but not in all the ways you think.

Also shout out the previous poster that mentioned using your other half to do all the social stuff with the kids. Once they are in nursery and up until they are about 8/9 birthdays tend to be whole class affairs, often at places like soft play. As a massive introvert with sensory issues and communication problems, this was my worst nightmare. My husband often dealt with these due to that.

I also worried about this with first, however it wasn't anything like I feared, to get around social things my dh and parents and older siblings help out a great deal with that side but at home I'm absolutely fine. My autism has the remarkable ability to switch off noise etc and get on with what needs doing, I also rarely sleep so nights weren't a problem either..half of our kids are now teens and the other half between 4-9 and I have literally loved every minute. I know how far I can get without it going to pieces with my adhd so never push further and my kids have always known I'm different or think different and are used to my nuttiness etc plus very lucky to have a very supportive dh and extended large family