Child who blames everybody else

[WitsEndAlways]

It’s one behaviour of many and I’m at my wits end. He is 8. When denied something (usually screen related) he has a violent tantrum like a toddler. The worst of it is, he blames us for all his behaviour. He is bright and articulate. I’ve bought ‘the explosive child.’

That is a perfectly normal reaction. There are lots of adults who have never got past that stage. You need to explain to him, obviously not while he's having a tantrum that if he doesn't accept responsibility he will never learn. You also need to make sure that you aren't overreacting to wrongdoing

That is a perfectly normal reaction. There are lots of adults who have never got past that stage. You need to explain to him, obviously not while he's having a tantrum that if he doesn't accept responsibility he will never learn. You also need to make sure that you aren't overreacting to wrongdoing

I agree that blaming others is not unusual at that age. The 'violent tantrums' may be cause for concern but it depends what is actually happening.

Can you give more information about an incident so people can understand?

Thank you. Gosh there are so many it’s hard to pick one. Often it’s linked to his screen time limits (when they’re enforced, even though he knows rules around the time limit) but the other day it was a meltdown as a result of discussing a Halloween costume (I told his sibling what he was thinking of doing and he went mad.) He also refuses to do anything, will drag and drag a simple task out (eg ‘brush your teeth please’) until we get frustrated and can’t ask nicely anymore. Last night it was linked to screen time ending, he was so angry. We get screaming like a toddler would do. He’s also getting violent now (though generally he does restrain himself here). But, for example, two more serious incidents were that he waited outside the bathroom door for me and then threw his T-shirt in my face. He has also punched me. In both scenarios he was seething with anger and often crying at same time as shouting and screaming.

He never accepts responsibility, his behaviour is always either my fault of his dads. Or his siblings.

Screen tome seems to be a recurring issue. Can you take the screens away?

I’ve tried reward charts, discussion when he’s calm, time without the screw as a consequence. Nothing seems to work.

he has fallen out with a friend at school this week because he lost his temper with him and I’m hoping this will give him something of a wake up call as he’s upset about it

I’ve tried reward charts, discussion when he’s calm, time without the screw as a consequence. Nothing seems to work.

he has fallen out with a friend at school this week because he lost his temper with him and I’m hoping this will give him something of a wake up call as he’s upset about it

I’ve tried reward charts, discussion when he’s calm, time without the screw as a consequence. Nothing seems to work.

he has fallen out with a friend at school this week because he lost his temper with him and I’m hoping this will give him something of a wake up call as he’s upset about it

yes we do this periodically and as a consequence. However, he meets his friends to play online after school sometimes and is a real computer geek (he’s learning coding etc) so it’s a huge passion. Hard to find the right way to give him access and limit it too. I do think he has it too much and it is often the cause of the worst of the issues. Though not the only one. He is defiant for no reason, can’t bear when things don’t go his way.

He is also a lovely, cuddly, intelligent and articulate little boy and I hate that he is making us feel otherwise so much!

How much do you care about his behaviour? Take the screens away. His brain can’t manage them yet. He is only 8 he has plenty of time to learn coding or whatever.

I absolutely disagree with PP that this behaviour is ‘perfectly normal’! He’s 8, so in Year 3 or 4, not a toddler!

It IS normal to get upset sometimes, but not at all normal for an 8 year old to be having violent, raging tantrums and aggressively punching people. In 2 years time he will reach the age of criminal responsibility and could find himself in serious trouble.

OP, what is he like in school? Can he follow rules there or is this issue just at home? Have you spoken to the SENDCo or Nurture lead at school about this behaviour? Has he been in trouble for it at school before?

@OldBeyondMyYears thank you. He is perfect at school pretty much. Academically very good, socially good. He likes school and does well. This week he was told off for not listening and quite devastated by that (he really cares about how he’s perceived at school). One of the things I often get confused by when thinking about how to handle his behaviour is that he can be quite anxious too, he’s a worrier. I struggle to disentangle what’s unacceptable rage/behaviour and what has roots in anxiety. It feels like a bit muddle

Agree with this. If he can't handle screens he just doesn't get them. I've explained to mine (calmly) when we have had issues, that they clearly aren't grown up enough to handle screens if it makes them angry so we should wait for them to get a bit bigger.

As for the larger issues he seems to have great deal of trouble regulating his emotions (angry and crying at the same time) this could be caused by lots of things and it might be worth going to the gp to check anything medical, rule out neuro diversity etc. how is he at school?

As an anacdote, my nephew has had (for years) anger issues would come home and trash his room, hit his brother and parents etc. very bright boy and good at school, would then melt down at home. Quite common with Nd.

Unconnected, my bil changed jobs which meant a later start and nephew got to sleep in more. Suddenly his behaviour massively improved. He was just tired! They are seeking assessment for him too currently. We have autism in the family which explain why he struggled so much to deal with the tiredness.

In my personal experience, food van make a difference to behaviour too. Processed stuff makes them grumpy/tired and therefore more likely to act out. My nephew above has a very very limited diet so be may worth considering.

@Cerialkilleri totally agree with sleep and food. He wakes up tired (though he goes to bed at 8 -sometimes 9 if we’re dealing with a tantrum-). He’s picky with food and doesn’t eat enough if he doesn’t like it. It feels like it could be so many things, or a perfect storm.

i like your explanation re the screens - I’m going to say that to him word for word.

What kind of screen does he have?

theres been some interesting research recently on why tablets specifically aren’t great for children’s behaviour- I think it’s something about how they interact so physically closely with them- and a desktop or laptop keeps them “in the room” more with the rest of the family, so the transition between screen / no screen isn’t so difficult.

We bought DS a laptop last year- chose it over a tablet because I was very keen not to have something that was easily slipped into a bag to leave the house with, and because I knew he would need support with using it - meaning he would have to talk/co-operate with me, even during screen time.

I know MN hates posters jumping to say SEN but he does sound like he struggles with emotional dysregulation. If he has ADHD for example, his body craves dopamine and screen time is regulating, but properly addictive. It's tricky because he does need regulation tools and screen time can be a part of that, but can be easily overdone. He will struggle in particular with transitions so plenty of warnings needed, perhaps his own timer. But maybe think also about the limits - making him switch off mid game with friends might make him more anxious - could you agree a different end point like after a particular level or something (sorry if that's a silly suggestion, I don't know how it works)

But also he could do with finding other ways for him to regulate. My daughter is older than your ds but she uses books, art, music on her headphones and goes for a walk in the dark every night with DH to get stuff off her chest but also needs quite a lot of alone/decompress time in her room after socialising. When she was younger she was very sensory seeking - clay, play dough, sand, swings, trampoline all helped. It's not easy though and I think to an extent you have to accept that it's emotional dysregulation rather than wilful bad behaviour and forgive accordingly (if they're suitably sorry once they've calmed down) while trying to help them build better tools.

My DD has ASD and ADHD diagnoses but the diagnoses aren't ends in themselves (though ADHD can be treated with medication in some circumstances) and you still have to do a lot of trial and error. It's easy to catastrophise and imagine them ending up as criminals etc but actually for the most part my DD is getting easier as she gets more mature and knows herself better. Good luck!

Ps your later posts about anxiety and food pickiness resonate strongly with me too. Good pickiness has endured, sadly. She has a limited and repetitive diet which she then rotates frequently (suddenly noodles are out and hummus is in for example). Her anxiety was peak around age 10-11 and has again calmed down.

Worth getting a copy of there's still no such thing as naughty by kate Silverstone.
Your son sounds very like my son re age, ability and emotional disregulation. We do limit screen time tho, always have and even more so when he's wobbly. He's having some play therapy, which seems to be helping and the way we approach his behaviour.
Kate Silverstone's book is very helpful and we also use reflection time (1 min per year of age). A super nanny trick that does seem to help......

At that age, I had to ban screens for my dc on weekdays. They couldn’t cope with turning them off at all. Even tv.
it’s a struggle for a few days and you need to help him do other things. We got creative, got exercising, got baking and cooking, got chores done, crafts, games, jigsaw puzzles, books.
I remember buying a book with pages of paper airplane designs that we would do.
They surprisingly like hoovering and mopping.
Movie night became a nice weekend treat and we watched wildlife documentaries during the week. Usually about predators.
They were completely different children. I carried this on in secondary school and there was no gaming during the weekdays.
Without that, I doubt they would’ve got any GCSEs and would have been unhappier generally.

My niece was prone to outbursts and food pickiness even at this age and has an autism diagnosis now she is a teen (also she also does not do this now but needs lots of alone time to decompress). To me it all suggests a frustration with a lack of control I’d be trying to spend a lot of time with him 1:1 in the hope that his helps him open up. And organising some talking therapy for him because violent outbursts
suggest a lot is going on in his head. And lots of cuddles as he is still only eight.

This is all such amazing advice, thank you everybody. So much of it rings true, I’m going to write it all down and come up with a new strategy

Blaming everyone else is a symptom of ADHD. Combined with the rest of his behaviour…….

My dd blamed everyone else. She was late diagnosed at 17. After 2 years of school refusal. Don’t leave it too late or ignore it.

I would put hard limits on screen time so you can have it between 5:30-6:30 weekdays only and absolutely stick to it, being consistent is the key here. He is very young to be addicted to a screen so perhaps look at other activities he could do to occupy his time. Have hard boundaries on the things that matter like teeth brushing etc and perhaps be more breezy about food.