think my daughter is depressed. no idea how to help

[wonderingwendy]

she is 13 and for the last few months she has been telling me that she feels low , anxious in certain situations, low level bullying, messed up friendship groups , low self esteem & not sleeping well . saw gp a month ago who referred us to the school nurse. she told my daughter you can only change yourself not others and she took this to mean others were right to bully her and why should she change she didn't do anything wrong!
nurse said I need to be stricter with her and take her phone off her at night so she will sleep better.we had a huge row last night and in the end at 11pm I gave the phone back.she wouldn't let me sleep and everything I suggested was wrong and she didn't want to try any of it.
I suggested we went for a long country walk today but she won't come with me.
she keeps saying her friends don't want to spend time with her and it breaks my heart I don't know how to help her and its getting me down
any advice ?

oh dear. Poor dd.

Personally I would start by looking at things online with her about self esteem. And getting a few books.

I would also ask her[gently] if there are people at friends who are trying to be friends with her. [she may say no, but at that age, friend groups are changing all the time]

As regards the phone situation, is she trying to mend the friend groups that she has?
And a more awkward question. Is she partly to blame for the breakup?

I would go back to the GP and ask to be referred to CAMHS (it might be called TAMHS in your area).

Go down to the school and get that bullying sorted ASAP. Tell them that you'll hold them personally liable if anything happens to your dd if they don't act and do some anti bullying workshops. And that you'll sue. Lay it out for them. It's TOTALLY unacceptable that the nurse told her that she's the one to do all the work/ take the blame. Just boggling!

No social media - bullying's bad enough in ordinary time, but if she's being bullies it's 24/7 and she has no down time from it.

She must get a hobby. Bring her horse riding, she can muck out for rides. Nothing as satisfying as cleaning up horse shit / building stone walls.

If she's interested in animals she could get a Saturday socialisation job in an animal shelter.

Do you have a pet?

Does she play an instrument? Do any sports, draw, make puppets? Bake cakes?

She needs to meet a new group, and to socialise outside her school group, doing something constructive that she's interested in.

Failing that try her on St. John's wort for a month and see if it makes a difference. Are her periods heavy and making her anaemic? Could she be on the pill without telling you?

Bring her to the GP and see what s/he recommends if it's a hormonal issue. Have bloods taken, and refer to a gynae if necessary.

Good luck!

How is she doing at school ?. Her understanding of the nurses comments seems quite literal. My daughter would have understood this in the same way. Not sure if this helps but This is an age where ASD traits in girls, can become more noticeable. My DD became severely depressed at 14 and an educational assessment(wisc4) showed that although bright and not spotted by school or any of us , she did have some learning and memory issues, which contributed to her stress and ASD traits meant she found the emotional ups and downs of teen friends difficult to understand and . she finds lots of teen social situations stressful and needs a bit more quiet time than some.

If your DD is not sleeping enough to affect her at school, I would push the GP(or see another GP) for camhs waiting list for at least an assessment. My DD still takes melatonin, which made a difference but its best any medication/supplement is reviewed by a psychiatrist