I need professional help to deal with my issues around DD's eating.

[Judyandherdreamofhorses]

This sounds ridiculous. I don't know where to turn for help, but feel I really need some. I've posted about our difficulties before on mumsnet, probably lots of times under different NCs, but need more directed help really.

What I'm asking is, how do I get support? I'll need to go private but don't know who to look for. I've been to HV and GP - neither think there is a problem, which is why I think we/ I need psychological help. Probably me with the problem, not her. In a nutshell, DD (4) is/ seems obsessed with food (not overweight). I absolutely cannot handle her behaviour around food with any consistency, patience, calmness. I let it become an issue every single time and it's causing difficulties in my relationship with her - makes me so negative.

Any advice on where I can go, who I can see about this? I need to explore the issues and have some support in dealing with them. Thanks.

If she is not overweight what is the problem?

I am curious, but also get very angry and upset with my DC's eating, but neither of mine have any interest in food. They will look and pick at food, but won't eat a decent meal.

I have noticed that children only eat enough to take the edge off their hunger.... So feels like they are grazing/snacking/wanting food all day long

I hate it

You need to find a good psychotherapist, it sounds like. If you are willing and able to go private, it should not be particularly difficult.

Can your GP recommend someone? Do you have any familiarity at all with the different types of psychotherapy available, that might lead you towards one rather than another type?

The problem is my attitude towards her. I deal with all other disagreements, behaviour etc with rational and loving understanding. Anything food related and I hit the roof. So it's not good for her and not good for her little brother (and provides me with ample ammunition for self-loathing in the process). Ugh. It would probably look minor/ normal to an outsider. She pesters for food, talks about it, likes books about it (only the sweet stuff, of course) and I take it all out of proportion.

I've never had a diagnosed eating disorder but have had very disordered eating at times, and episodes of anxiety-depression since childhood. It's all linked, I'm sure. I'm terrified of ruining her childhood with this.

Good on you for recognising you have an issue and taking steps to deal with it.

Fwiw, my mum had this with one of my sisters, did not deal with it effectively and as a result one perfectly normal toddler became a teenager with huge food issues and a very conflictive relationship with her mother.

Thanks. I'm no closer to finding anyone to help though. I don't want to talk to the GP again and the world of psychotherapy seems daunting, obscure and inaccessible. There are many different therapists nearby, but I don't know how or where to start. I don't want to get this wrong!

You don't have to stick to a therapist if you feel it's not helping.

Do try something, if it doesn't work for you you can switch later, but making a start will be a positive step.

I'm afraid I can't help much with the best kind of psychotherapy, although every single member of my closest family is/was a psychotherapist of some sort (not in the UK), I'm not and have never had therapy myself!

What I do know from talking to them is that the type of therapy is not as important as the practitioner - a good therapist is one who can really connect with you and your problem and help you to solve it yourself, so what matters most is how you feel about them/the process you are going through.

How do I decide between psychotherapy and counselling?

I have unsuccessful brushes with NHS mental health services. Several long, drawn-out referrals and wait times, leading to assessment once I was already recovering (so not deemed suitable for treatment). Awful experience with perinatal care (or lack thereof, sadly). And I'm just dredging up dreadful memories of a therapist while I was still at college, who sat in silence with her eyes closed for the full 60 minutes...

It can be better than all that, right?

Bloody hell, it's a miracle you are even willing to consider therapy again!

Others may blast me for this, but going on what my family tell me, whether you are a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst or a counsellor may be mostly due to the accident of how you got to start doing what you wanted to do.

Maybe see if you can find a psychiatrist who has extensive experience with eating disorders? That's what I would do. As to how I would go about that, I'm not too sure, but again, feel free to change therapists if you are not impressed.

My sister (who trained as a medic, but then moved countries so in order to avoid the regulatory nightmare now calls herself a coach) does a first 'chemistry meeting' with her clients where both can see if they feel they will be able to work together before committing to a series of sessions. Sounds eminently sensible to me...

I've sent an email to a therapist I thought seemed okay (linked from BACP website).

I'll wait and see what happens.

I've noticed that the problem goes beyond what I'd thought it was. I've got worries about how I behave with DD generally. I can't ruin her life.

Starting seeing someone this evening.

Fingers crossed we get on okay.

How did it go? I hope it was good.

Good, thanks. She was really nice. We did a history/ timeline type thing. Didn't really talk about DD! I only cried a bit.

It was a free session, but I have booked four more for now.

Thanks for listening x

That's great. Kudos to you for identifying that you have an issue and dealing with it!

My dad (a psychiatrist) always used to say that his job was easy because by the time they came to him people had always taken the hardest step, which was to recognise that they needed help and seek it out.