What can I do to offer support?

[milliec]

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Hi, my Mum has Dementia and lives with my Dad.
He has the problem that he can't really leave her alone but my brother lives nearby and he is single and unemployed so when my Dad needs a break to go somewhere he will come over and sit with her for 2-3hrs at a time.
It is very hard work, would your friend still be going to work? or is he going to look after her full-time?
My Dad is too proud to have any "outsiders" helping out but it is getting to him as i've noticed that he has not done ANY housework for over 6 months.
He just keeps the kitchen clean but the rest of the house is just rank.
I was over there for a visit (i live over 100miles away) and i spent most of the day cleaning the house and raking...yes i mean raking up the piles of dog hairs that are everywhere.
My Dad works from home so never really gets time away from her, but at least your friend's Mum doesn't sound dangerous.
My Mum smokes like a trouper and every bit of furniture, carpet and bedding is burnt and her latest thing is to smoke in bed and chuck the dog end onto the floor WITHOUT stubbing it out, it just makes me feel so sad to how they have ended up but because of her smoking i could NEVER let her stay with us as she is a danger to herself and others.
My Dad has fitted xtra smoke alarms in all the rooms that she uses just in case!
And he wants to get a safe and set up some kind of mechanical devise that will dispense a cigarette every 30 mins without him having to do it.
Sorry to be going on but writing it down makes me see how bad it is.
The best thing you can do for your friend is basically help him by sitting with his Mum to give him a break.
AB

Ohh yeah, and the incontinence is bad as she refuses to wear the pads and the leather sofa has started to disintegrate and my dad has had to rip up the living room carpet.
The health visitors come in every week but NEVER EVER ask how he is coping.
They won't listen to me as they say that he ask to ask for help.
P.S by the way my Mum is only 62yrs old and is in very rude physicall health, can't say that much for my dad.
AB

You must get him to ask for more support from Social serives.

There are a variety of day care options from a 1-1 at home for a few hours to going to a day centre once or twice a week. She shouldn't be home alone if he is working full time she needs 24 hour care.

He needs to ask for a carers assessment which will look at his needs and arrange the support for his mother according to this. He needs to 'shout' and keep on about what he expects others wise it is easy to get over looked.