Look away if you’re shy about sex ….this one’s about breast cancer, a fast tracked menopause, physical changes and loss of libido 😳

[Winderwall]

This is a deeply personal one that I can’t ask my friends because they won’t ’get it’ as they haven’t experienced cancer or been through the menopause..

How would you feel in this situation?

DP and I met in our childfree early 30’s. We remained childfree for 6 years and had an incredible sex life. We then had 3 children in quick succession , our sex life took a hit as to be expected but then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, needed chemotherapy, thankfully I’ve survived and recently completed chemotherapy but it’s fast tracked me through the menopause. My sex drive is non existent and on the odd occasion we do have sec it’s really uncomfortable/painful. I can’t take HRT as it was breast cancer. I’ve asked about vaginal oestrogen but my cancer is so recent they won’t prescribe atm.

Here’s the thing, I am so fed up of him ‘reminiscing’ about what an amazing sex life we used to have and when we do have sex he expects it to be the same as it used to be.

Maybe it’s the sudden menopause, maybe it’s age, maybe it’s demands of life but I’m so fed up of hearing how it used to be. For me sex just isn’t a priority at the moment. I feel like he just doesn’t understand the actual effects my diagnosis and chemo has had on me

Has anyone else experienced similar? It’s really wearing me down.

I think issues around sex, libido and body image after cancer (especially breast cancer) aren't talked about enough. I don't really have any advice, but my oncologist allowed me to continue vaginal oestrogen throughout my treatment, and wrote to my GP to tell them to continue to prescribe.

There's been quite a lot of research and awareness about the safety and necessity of localised oestrogen recently.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been through this can fully understand the effect of cancer and its treatment on every single facet of your life. A survivor can't, and won't ever be, the same person they were before the cancer. There's a huge amount of psychological 'work' they have to do to come to terms with this. I don't know how you get your husband to understand this. Can you sit him down and spell it all out in minute detail?

Thank you for your reply BatshitCrazyWoman
It’s really good to hear you’ve been prescribed vaginal oestrogen throughout your treatment, I do feel my oncologist is a bit dismissive about it. I might go directly to my GP. I read recently it is considered safe.

I love your username BatshitCrazyWoman 🤣

I really hope you can get it, as it makes a huge difference. I also take sea buckthorn oil supplements - again, my oncologist said it was fine.

It's quite apt 😂

I’m going to try my GP and I’ll look up those supplements. I’ve been happy with my oncologist but, she lacks in the empathy department and the ‘life after chemo’ chapter.

Have you listened to the Cancer and Menopause podcast? That's quite informative (make your DH listen, too).

I haven’t but I will look it up and I feel he needs to read or listen to something. Thank you BatshitCrazyWoman

This is also worth reading https://workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

It makes me cry every time 😞

Hi @Winderwall You sound like you’ve been through a lot coping with the treatment of breast cancer - and it is a lot. As @BatshitCrazyWoman says cancer has a huge emotional and psychological impact and that takes time to get to grips with. It’s perfectly understandable that sex right now is not your priority.

I’m not clinical but work in cancer services so have some links to info and organisations that might help. Do reach out to your CNS about this or anything else that you need support with - they are there to help and might also be able to signpost you to support.

Have you come across the charity Menopause and Cancer. They are fabulous - lots of resources and support and they train healthcare professionals. They do meet ups too if that’s of interest.
They have some YouTube videos on sexual health (pain during sex covered) and low Libido (lots of other topics too)
Maybe something you could show your DH
https://menopauseandcancer.org/low-desire-after-breast-cancer-and-menopause-understanding-libido-and-available-support/
Shine cancer support also have some Q&A sessions on sex after cancer
https://shinecancersupport.org/resource/sex-after-cancer/

Breast Cancer Now have a helpline if you’d like to talk to a nurse
https://breastcancernow.org/about-breast-cancer/life-after-treatment/your-body-after-breast-cancer-treatment?_gl=11yum2fz_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQjwv4XUBhDBARIsAE6bQURp2jIC9mAv9yXEszGSLcDNPpmWHAvwiElh-3i15zwDYGN7Nl0Rp4oaAsF9EALw_wcB&gbraid=0AAAAADBP5dt_1UpzjovujP0g3C8c6afRa

Before BC I was very very sexual and my ex and I had a brilliant sex life. Cancer changed that immediately and I didn't want my cancer boob being touched. But partner never really got that. And then mastectomy, reconstruction etc totally changed my physical sensation in my boobs, which again, he didn't get. They looked like boobs so no real understanding of why I didn't enjoy breast play anymore or that it actually was a turn-off and would diminish any arousal I did have.

Further down the line, the chemo (as with you @Winderwall) put me into early menopause, which gradually diminished my libido.

Lots more water under the bridge relationship & body wise but the end result was that I eventually decided I was shutting up shop on sex. Sex should be for pleasure not obligation. And obligation was making me feel I didn't want to be in his company anymore.

He still has no real understanding of how I've got to this point despite having been around for 5 years worth of surgery & treatments which were absolutely gruelling. From his perspective, it's very sad that a woman of my age no longer enjoys sex. No comprehension that TBH my quality of life is still good and I'm very happy to be alive!

And to be fair, I haven't overly bothered to explain. When I've tried to, his thinking doesn't budge at all. I think his opinion is entrenched. He does still remind me of how good our sex life was and clearly would like it back. And his ongoing focus on what is gone, wanting it back, and covert attempts to persuade me to engage sexually are what ended the relationship for me. I've told him to move on and look for another partner.

I could have written this OP. It’s so sad but thankfully my husband is very understanding. I’ve spoken to the drs who really have no idea and like you I can’t go on hrt.
Nothing has been offered really definitely nothing that’s worked for me. Hope one day to be able to chose sex or not.