I think my son’s friend is bullying him

[Jojotodd]

My DS (12) is about to go into Y8 and I think he is being bullied by one of his friends, R.
It is tricky because they have been friends since Reception and I am friends with R’s mum.
R is always putting my son down, telling him he’s not good at sports and telling him he has to go last if there’s a group activity. He makes funny faces behind my son’s back and takes his stuff and runs away with it saying he’s only joking. It’s really hard to tell if it’s bullying as it’s lots of little petty things and my son still wants to hang out with him. Maybe I’m being too sensitive?

It is also hard because R has a lot of sway over the group they all hang out with - they all follow him and think he’s the best and so he basically leads the group. My son thinks that if he stands up to R, then the rest of the group won’t want to be friends with him.

I am trying to encourage my son to play with others but it’s difficult as all of his friends are in this group with R. He also doesn’t want me to say anything to R’s mum as he thinks it will make it worse. They are in the same form at school so I can’t tell my son to keep away from him a bit.

Sorry to vent but I am just so worried about this year at school and I don’t know how to advise my son to handle it. Any advice would be appreciated.

I think 'watch and wait' on this.

Boys do fall out and jest perhaps too much with each other - especially at that age.

There's a fine line between a 'joke' and 'bullying' though admittedly. All you can really do is react accordingly IF things progress.

Is your Son a confident boy?

Does he participate in any activities/groups outside of school? He needs to realise that they aren't his only friendship group.

Your other option is to have a quiet word with the form teacher?

💐

@SaraHoliday Thanks Sara - I think you’re right - I will see what happens as they go back to school.
It’s so hard not to spiral over these things (and I’m perimenopausal so I spiral a lot! 🤣)

I definitely need to encourage more outside interests - he can be confident but he is also quite cautious as times which I think annoys R as R is very sporty and gung-ho.

Ugh sometimes I hate being such a worrier! X

The other boy is being dominant and yes, it is bullying.

How long has this been going on?

Sounds like R has a big ego and needs to fulfill that by bossing everyone around. The saying he's not at good at sports thing is a bit mean along with taking his stuff. Tell your son to take R things and run off, if R gets annoyed then it wasn't a joke if he's fine with it and finds it funny then it's banter. Kids are weird.

@bitontheobtuse yes it definitely seems like it is bullying behaviour but when I speak to my son, he still wants to be friends with R - it’s so tricky! I think if it escalates or my son gets more upset by it, I’ll need to take action. I never know whether that will just make things worse though…
It’s been going on since Y6 on and off.

@StressedOutPeanut Yes I think R does have a big ego and actually may be a bit insecure. I don’t think he is a particularly happy child but obviously that is no excuse. He is very competitive and wants to be the best at everything.
Once, my son did try teasing R about a girl he liked because R had been doing the same to my son - R then kicked off because he can dish it out but can’t take it! He then had the other boys cross at my son because he had upset him.
it is a weird dynamic 🙈

Is R doing this when adults are about? Who’s telling you or your son about the things he’s doing behind his back?

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn my son tells me - he also caught R making the face behind his back once. I’ve also heard a couple of comments when they have hanging out that I didn’t like and I made a comment to R about being nice

Yes, it's bullying. Is there only one class per year at the school? Maybe you can ask for them to be separated? Otherwise, get him into out of school activities (sports/scouts?) and encourage other friendships, pointing out when you see other friends being kind to him and saying what a good friend they are. I reckon deep down your DS knows that R is an arsehole but he'd rather tolerate him than risk being ostracised.