Am I being an idiot about this, or have I got a point?

[harman]

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Harman, bf is such an emotional subject that it is only natural to feel upset if things didn't go to plan.

I am in a similar situation to yourself, have four kids (hence name!)and am completing Mother Supporter training with the ABM, with the view to go on for full BF counsellor training.

However, I didn't manage to BF DC1 and for various reasons only managed a few days then onto FF. He is the only one of the four to have asthma and was hospitalised on a few occassions as a toddler.

I feel horrendously guilty about it, and can't help but think that maybe it would have been different if I'd BF. However, we can't undo the past and maybe he would have gone on to develop asthma even if he had BF.

I think the fact that you have had difficulties with bf will make you stronger and a better supporter becasue of it?

I only wish HCPs had the opportunity to 'debrief' about their own, direct and indirect, bf experiences, harman.

This is what training is for - to get you to understand and accept your own experiences, so they don't get in the way of supporting other people.

You might find it useful, if the trainer is a good person and someone you like, to have some private one to one with her....having had an experience that didn't go to plan can be valuable for you when it comes to understanding the depth of feelings mothers sometimes have. Not judging yourself is the first step to not judging other people, too!

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Harman, I would imagine a Bf buddy having had issues and been able to deal with them, as hopefully you will be able to now, would eb one of the best possible routes for them to have gone down in the first place.

It gives not just sympathy but understanding and empathy to the guilt that many mothers feel as a result of breastfeeding issues and can only help IMO.

harman - as I said in my post, your issue is that breastfeeding didn't go as you had planned. You don't have to label it as a 'breastfeeding problem' - many, many women stop breastfeeding because it didn't go as planned, not because they had something 'wrong' with breastfeeding. You did what you felt was the best thing for all your family - nothing to be guilty about. Eeek!

If you really, really think you 'messed up' - and these feelings we have don't have to make total sense, they just are! - then I agree this is something that might get in the way of being an effective supporter....but it will not get in the way forever. You can talk about it, share it with your group or your trainer, write a diary about it, and come to terms that way.

I would guess that most breastfeeding supporters have had 'issues' - that can be what motivates them to support other mums, truly.

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i think it is similar to debriefing your own birth experiences. I had to do that as part of my doula course, and it brought back a lot of emotions.

it is good if you have had a hard time, in a way, as it gives an extra dimension to the empathy and support you can provide.

also, always really valuable to offload and get 'closure' on any issues like this before you try to support others who may have similar issues.

i think it sounds like part of the healing process and you need to work through it.

you will feel much better when you come out of the other side

hope your breast buddying goes well

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i don;t know the answer, but i should thikn it was something that she would have had anyway? sorry it is making you feel so sad though

Not necessarily, no. Luckily we live in a country where mothers are supported by other health professionals and so babies are looked after in lots of different ways, and you are going to be part of this and well done.

Don't beat yourself up, you did what you knew at the time.

Don't be surprised you are upset though. My little brother had health problems as a baby although he is completely fine now and one time my mum was visiting me with healthy strong 27 year old brother at the table and STILL burst into tears thinking about his childhood illness when something my baby son did reminded her of him. It just appears to be part of being a mum.

You know you act out of love towards your DD and that is what matters and what she will think of as she grows up.

Harman.
You'll never know the answer to your question I'm afraid but remember breast feeding isn't a guarantee against asthma, excema etc. The fact that you are so dedicated to this now as a result is great, you've obviously found your true calling in life and I wish there had been someone like you arround to help and advise me when my ds was born. Despite clearly expressing my fears about breast feeding both on my birthplan and to the many midwives that attended at various stages of my sons birth I recieved no support at all and struggled through a miserable week of painful feeding before I developed mastitis and finally gave up. I felt like a failure and like you I've blamed myself for my sons asthma (my mil has also been very vocal that she also feels it's my fault for not sticking with the feeding). I know that I can't change the past (and looking back I stuck it out for a lot longer than I should have considering the pain and upset it caused every feed) but I would love to have someone like you around when I have another child to give me the support I missed first time around!
Stop blaming yourself for something you haven't done and focus on what you can do! Good luck x

harman, some good posts on here. Living with uncertainty about what might and might not have happened if we had done or not done x, y, or z is part of being a parent, I think...not that this is easy, but it is normal.

No one can answer your 'what if?' question one way or the other. The fact is you love your children and you care about what sort of mum you are - and that's overwhelmingly more important than whether you get a guarentee about something you've done/not done leading to something else!

Good luck with your training - reflecting on your feelings and having insight into them and just being aware is hugely helpful to your ability to support and help others

na I dont think it would have made a difference! Is'nt the first few weeks the most important anyhow?

How do you become a breast buddy?? sounds brilliant. i'd love to do something to make people more aware of breastfeeding in my area, especially the younger people. Only have one dc though, so i suppose im not really in the position to give advice. ( I LOVE breastfeeding though )

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Harman, my dd1 has eczema and I read loads about it, and it seems as if the jury is still out as to the effect breastfeeding has on eczema (and allergies generally).

It seems as if allergy is hugely complicated with many, many factors involved, rather than being down to just one thing like being bf or not.

So I agree with others that you'll never know, but I haven't read anything to suggest that you could have prevented eczema in your dd simply by bf.

And sympathies, eczema is horrible in little ones, as I know very well .

Good luck with your course, it's a great thing you're doing.

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Sorry Harman, I missed your post earlier.

I think the infections issue is another one you could argue either way tbh. Breastfeeding is known to protect against infections, but it can't even do this completely in babies with a healthy immune system. Your dd had an immune deficiency so probably would have had infections regardless.

The "what ifs" are impossible to determine.

fwiw, I've just been posting on another thread about my dd1's eczema, and how guilty I still feel because I gave her a formula top-up and she turned out to be cows milk allergic.

So I do understand the self-questioning. And I think tiktok is spot on, that living with uncertainty and unknowable questions is hard, but the self-awareness and honesty that you're showing makes me think you'll be really good at supporting others.