Vegan and Breastfeeding - my DH won't leave me aline

[hatchitopia]

So I was vegan for about two years, then became pregnant and started eating meat and dairy again, as my DH thought this would be best, plus I had mega cravings!

My baby is four months old and I have recently decided to become vegan again. I am exclusively breastfeeding, but eat so healthily - so many fruits and vegetables and vitamin supplements and I eat lots and always cook from scratch. I get way over my 5 a day.

However, my DH won't leave me alone about it. Says that I'm putting his child at risk and just won't. leave. me. alone.

Same with coffee - if I try to enjoy half a mug of mild coffee in the afternoon, I never hear the end of it.

It's really getting me down. Any advice please?

He needs to do some research into breastfeeding rather than nagging. I haven’t BF, but even I know what you’ve outlined in your post sounds like you’re being totally reasonable.

Is he supportive in general of you being vegan?

What does your HV say? Could you take him along for a chat with the Hv to calm his worries?
On a different note- how does he know what you’re eating all day every day? Does he not work?

He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he thinks vegan milk would be harmful then presumably he doesn’t want you having dairy anyway, given cows are fairly vegan themselves?

I would tell him you are happy to discuss this if he wants to have a sensible, serious discussion about it with evidence or if he wants to go and see a nutritionist together (maybe handy anyway pre-weaning?). But he does not get to police your diet based on whatever notions he’s thought up himself.

Well, he has some time off of work at the moment, so he sees what I eat and don't eat and I do all of the food shopping and cooking, so obviously he sees that I don't cook with meat. Although I will cook extra with meat/dairy for him and our other daughter (9 years old). And buy them meat/cheese/milk etc, for packed lunches and snacks etc.

I just feel so controlled by him and he says that I'm harming our baby! I have done a lot of research, and I have told him facts and figures etc, but he just won't listen.

It's just really draining me, mentally, having to justify myself all of the time. He won't stop picking, every single day and I just want him to just accept it and move on.

A nutritionist is a good suggestion though, thanks!

Is he controlling in other ways? My main concern here isn't the veganism issue but the fact that he thinks he has the right to interfere in your choices for your own body. It indicates poor boundaries.

Yes, this is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest - but he feels that this is justified, as it is 'his child' that I am affecting with my 'stupid vegan thing'.

To tell you the truth, I ate like crap before becoming vegan, I actually enjoy eating now and making yummy, healthy recipes. I've never eaten so healthily and 100% tick off all of the boxes of everything that I need in my daily diet. I don't expect anyone else to follow suit - I mean, I buy him and my daughter meat and dairy and fish every time I go shopping. I don't even mention it - I just get on and eat how I want, but he just picks and picks and picks.

It's exhausting! I just want him to leave me alone

What’s the problem with coffee? It’s allowed whilst BF?

I have been vegan for 28 years and I BF my PFB. I had the same issues but from EVERYONE DH/GP/HV etc etc. My PFB is a 26 year old man now and still vegan. I Was very unusual back then but your DH needs to speak to your HV so he can be reassured, you can't blame him if he doesn't understand, but if he is not WILLING to try and understand then that is a whole different thread!!

Yep - I've told him this too. But he says it might not be bad,but it's certainly not good. I don't even have one every day,but sometimes in the afternoon,I do enjoy a little one. I'm always with our baby and I co-sleep because our baby wants to feed a lot in the nighttime and I find it a lot easier to sleep with him,so I struggle with tiredness and a coffee helps sometimes.

He's going away for work soon so I'll get a bit of a break!

Sorry to be blunt, but I would tell him to PISS OFF. Seriously...

"Right, I've had enough of this. I've tried explaining to you but you won't listen so now I'm saying piss off and leave me alone. That is my official response. Move on. I will not have this conversation again. I'm going out now for a few hours so you can think about what I've said."

Then leave him with the kids and go to the cinema. 'Stan & Ollie' has had very good reviews. I send you solidarity and a fist bump.

If you come home and he does it again, repeat this process until he understands that you mean business. Men telling women what to do, eh? They just don't get it, do they?

He's talking crap. Tell him to do his research and bore off.

Cinema sounds amazing,but baby doesn't have a bottle yet,and feeds so often! Thanks for the advice :)

Sounds like he wants to wear you down by just going on and on and on about it until you do what he wants just to get some peace. It really isn’t okay for him to mither and badger you constantly over what you’re eating. It’s not up to him whether you drink coffee or not!

Maybe not the cinema then, but Sicario's approach is the right one. The veganism is a red herring; the fact is that he's interfering in your decisions and not listening when you try to defend/explain them. It is inching into the arena of coercive control.

I was vegan before getting pregnant and originally planned on staying vegan throughout pregnancy and beyond (have since eaten some meat). I saw an NHS dietician who said my vegan diet was perfectly safe. All of my vitamin levels came back fine as well.

There's actually more calcium in fortified non-dairy milks than there is in normal cow's milk, and calcium is really important when breastfeeding.

Sounds like you're healthier than the average person, if he's really concerned then he won't mind accompanying you to a dietician perhaps?

Doesn't sound like a very nice situation for you :(

Use myfitnesspal or something similar to track everything you eat.

Print out the fancy graphs and show him that you are fulfilling all your dietary needs.

Get him to do the same if you can. Compare and i bet his diet won’t be as balanced unless he is also very focussed on his diet.

Re the cinema, maybe you could express some of your dangerous vegan breast milk and try baby with a bottle so that you are fully prepared for this scenario? Men being left to deal with the kids on their own is often a very powerful message-sender.

OR take baby with you and do something lovely together and leave the older one behind. Anything that gives DH time to absorb what you've said works wonders.

The best one I did was (after not-being-listened-to meltdown) "Now I'm going away for the weekend so that you can think about what I've said", and took the kids to the seaside for the weekend. When we came back on Sunday I swear he was a changed man. (Thank god.)

Power to the women!!! We don't have to take this shit.

Thanks everyone :) I guess I just have to try to ignore him - there's no point in trying to reason with him,he is so stubborn.

I can show him all the facts and figures in the world, he'll still think he's right

@hatchitopia tell him if he has such a problem with it he needs to start producing milk to feed your son otherwise STFU and get over it.

I would ask him to produce the scientific evidence that shows your diet is a problem to bf.

I don't know enough about being vegan and BF but even so your husband just needs to shut up and be glad you're BF at all!

We as women 'sacrifice ' our bodies to have kids-stretch marks, saggy boobs etc, go through immense pain in labour, have in some ways no control over our bodies for nearly a year. Don't drink alcohol, limit caffeine etc when pregnant. How dare he even start up a conversation with you about you 'harming' his child!

Take back control, as long as baby is healthy and gaining weight eat and drink what you want and continue to BF, you're doing great 💜

You are not harming your baby. You sound like you're doing a great job!

A cup of coffee or two is not doing any harm either!

What is he suggesting would be a better alternative to your BM?

By saying your diet affects your milk to any kind of level that would be a concern, he’s showing enough ignorance that’s you can safely ignore everything he ever says.

Agree without others about the control. He needs to see he has to stop this controlling behaviour and if he can’t, he’ll lose you.