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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Breast feeding and sex.

25 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2014 15:09

sorry if this is a bit persona but I'm just interested how quickly you resumed your sex life after the baby was born.

I know breast feeding causes physiological changes that are designed to supress our sex drives so have you all found this has been the case?

My EBF DS is 14 weeks old, we haven't had sex since he was born and I have absolutely no desire for it at all Last night I sensed that my DH was trying to get a bit amorous and all I could think was, "I hope he doesn't want sex...."

He asked me a good few weeks ago when we'd be able to have sex again and I avoided the question...

When I had my 10 week post-natal check my GP asked me about contraception and my plan was always to have a Mirena but I haven't actually gone and had it done. Maybe its because then I'll have no excuses to not have sex

I do wonder though if maybe I just don't want to do it because getting pregnant again would be the absolute worst thing. I know the likelihood of this is miniscule but even the most remotest possibility of it happening petrifies me!!

disclaimer: my DH is in no way putting any pressure on me, I don't want anyone to get that impression

OP posts:

PurplePunkPrincess · 27/06/2014 15:13

I honestly think it's the kind of thing you need to jump back into, might not be great at first but the longer you leave it the more daunting it becomes. With all 3 of my DC I got back into it before the 6 week check! Maybe use condoms for now.

Don't if you really don't want to though, but think about why. I was concerned about my body and realised I didn't need to be, I did just want to get the first time since birth over and done with quickly!

PurplePunkPrincess · 27/06/2014 15:15

Ps, I am also petrified of getting pregnant again, but breastfeeding is about 70% effective against pregnancy if you are EBF, don't rely on that alone though!

SecretSpeech · 27/06/2014 15:16

I'm the same as you Writer, dd is 5 months and I have no desire to have sex, ever! Also EBF so that might be the reason... Luckily dp is understanding (or so he says, through gritted teeth...)

DinoSnores · 27/06/2014 15:18

Breastfeeding is >98% effective as a contraception in the first 6 months so as good as most other things but that's if (and only if) certain criteria are met:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactational_amenorrhea

For women who meet the criteria (listed below), LAM is >98% effective during the first six months postpartum.[1]
Breastfeeding must be the infant’s only (or almost only) source of nutrition. Feeding formula, pumping instead of nursing,[2] and feeding solids all reduce the effectiveness of LAM.
The infant must breastfeed at least every four hours during the day and at least every six hours at night.
The infant must be less than six months old.
The mother must not have had a period after 56 days post-partum (when determining fertility, bleeding prior to 56 days post-partum can be ignored).

Anyway, I've found that BFing really kills my sex drive but once I get started, I'm glad I did!

FoxSticks · 27/06/2014 15:20

I don't have a particularly high sex drive and what I did have was killed dead after my dd was born. I don't think that was solely because of bf, but a combination of that, our dd being a terrible sleeper so we we were knackered and sharing a bedroom with dd didn't help either. Fortunately my dh doesn't have a particularly high sex drive either and I think we only had sex twice during the year I was EBF.

leedy · 27/06/2014 15:40

My sex drive didn't really come back until my periods came back (though still BF), which I suppose makes biological sense.

Strokethefurrywall · 27/06/2014 18:00

My drive isn't particularly high right now (our babies same age OP), but this is DS2 so I knew breastfeeding would kill my libido dead.

I think I waited 6 weeks with DS1, with this one I waited just shy of 4 weeks but it's hit and miss how often we actually do it right now. I guess whenever I get a tiny bit horny I take the opportunity to have sex.

Our marriage runs better when we're shagging regularly as it feels like a reconnection but I definitely don't feel up for it regularly.

highlove · 27/06/2014 18:53

My EBF dd is 16 weeks. First had sex about three weeks after she was born - was a bit wary and was mildly uncomfy at first but glad I'd done it. I was lucky to have a straightforward birth. Must confess I wasn't madly up for it but DH and I had had basically no physical contact since she'd been born (she wouldn't go in the crib so we did shifts sat on the sofa with her) and had been bickering (tiredness!) so like a pp said, felt we needed the reconnection. We've had sex maybe 5 or 6 times since and always at his instigation - I'm not massively up for it but think it's good for us and I soon get into the swing of things! However, my DD was IVF and I'd like nothing more than a pregnancy again the 'normal' way do maybe that colours my view!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 27/06/2014 21:50

Thanks everyone for all your responses!!

And, I know this sounds mad, but I actually feel nervous about doing it. I didn't even have a vaginal birth so what I'm nervous about I don't know...

OP posts:

PretzelPrincess · 28/06/2014 00:32

I wanted it straight away I didn't want to do it while I was still bleeding so waited a couple of weeks.
Tbh I had the opposite problem, DH didn't want to have sex but I did. Still now his sex drive is lower than mine DS is 14 weeks old.

PurplePunkPrincess · 28/06/2014 09:38

The longer you leave it the longer you have to worry!

Why not send him a dirty text to let him know what he's getting later? That way you can't back out. Might even help get you slightly more in the mood thinking about later.

Just remember that all he is going to be thinking is how lucky he is that he's getting to have sex with you, that he will be very pleased regardless of whether or not your body is different, he won't notice he's a man!

CelibacyCakeandElevatorMuzac · 28/06/2014 09:50

Im single and DS is 15mo.

No libido whatsoever.

More than happy tbh.

I know it will come back but I'm really not missing it.

If you don't want to do it then don't.

Don't make it a chore - make sure you are open with your partner though

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 28/06/2014 10:03

Sex is not going to be enjoyable unless it is completely consensual. I'm glad your DH isn't putting any pressure on you.

OP, please don't put yourself under any pressure. Talk to your DH about your nerves and concentrate on enjoying time with each other.

Thumbwitch · 28/06/2014 10:24

With Ds1, I thought it was about 7m but DH assures me it was 11m. I had absolutely no drive for it at all.
With DS2, it was probably about 9m.
I co-slept with both of them, EBF too, and quite frankly the thought of it was just a bit ugh.
DH waited until I was ready - he did ask a couple of times but never pressured me into it - thank goodness. It would have been utterly awful if I'd had to do it before I was ready.

Fixitagaintomorrow · 28/06/2014 11:09

You should sit down with him and have a talk. Let him know exactly how you're feeling, he should understand, your body has changed and you're adjusting. Maybe plan an early night and just kiss and cuddle, make sure to tell him that YOU will let HIM know if it's going to go any further. Even if it doesn't, kissing and cuddling is still intimate.

TobyLerone · 28/06/2014 11:15

"That way you can't back out."

For. Fuck's. Sake.

Fixitagaintomorrow · 28/06/2014 11:18

I second TobyLerone. Can women not change their minds once they've offered it?

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 28/06/2014 11:20

I agree Toby, that comment made me

BertieBotts · 28/06/2014 11:37

Take as long as you want. Whether you had a vaginal birth or not you've still had something major happen down there and you really need to be 100% comfortable.

It will come :) Sex isn't the only way to connect and show affection for each other.

NickiFury · 28/06/2014 11:44

"With all 3 of my children I got back into it before the 6 week check!"

Wow! purple you are SO inspiring.

"Send a text message so you can't back out"

Don't be so fucking stupid.

McBear · 28/06/2014 14:50

What purple is saying makes sense to a point. It's like riding a horse after a fall.

In fairly certain she's not saying that you cant back out. That would be rape and I highly doubt she's saying that's ok. It's a turn of phrase.

I have one DD and we had sex 2.5 weeks after. Basically when I was comfortable I'd stopped bleeding. I ff and bf for about two weeks. EBF after. I also had a c section which i think changed everything drastically.

It doesn't matter what I or x y and z do. It is purely what you are happy with and it's even better that your husband is happy if you are

It's easy to lose all sexuality after a baby and just become mum. It was important to me this didn't happen so I keep that aspect of me as alive and well as I can. Soon as you feel ready, get back on that horse

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 28/06/2014 15:24

"It's easy to lose all sexuality after a baby and just become mum."

I think this is a large part of it but the weird thing is that I feel it's wrong of me to be a sexual being whilst I'm a mom. I know that sounds ridiculous even as I type it.

I see myself now as a nurturing figure who is responsible for loving and providing for a little baby - and for me to also be having rampant sex kind of destroys that heavenly image

DH was definitely showing signs of wanting to be amorous this morning and I think he's starting to feel a bit rejected. I'm definitely going to have to talk to him about it!!

OP posts:

Xcountry · 28/06/2014 15:35

As soon as I got the all clear, I have a high sex drive normally and pregnancy makes it worse. DH has to be firm with me to wait for the 6 week check every time because I would just go for it so I can see it from both your sides really - I would feel repulsive and rejected like he didn't like my post baby body and he would be thinking the whole time, we cant because you haven't had the all clear yet.

I never really lost the sexuality thing, when baby needed me I was 'mum' but when baby was asleep I was wife again. I lost a friend years ago with DD1 because she couldn't get her head around that. She didn't think it was right that I let DH have 'boob action' in bed (obv when DS1 and DD1 were asleep) because I was still breastfeeding.

He sounds like he is happy to wait till you feel comfortable from what you said so what about doing other couple things like you used to do that made you want to have sex with him in the first place, whatever that was for you ie out to dinner dressed up? junkfood night and a film etc?

McBear · 28/06/2014 17:39

I see what you mean and a lot of men struggle with this. I've seen it be called 'the Madonna and the whore'

I feel the same at times and I'm not a hippy I promise but mothers are like a loving, nurturing person and closeness is essential. Sex is closeness. Change the way you picture it in your head if you need to justify it to yourself.

CelibacyCakeandElevatorMuzac · 28/06/2014 22:50

You're not weird Op, that's exactly how I feel but I have the luxury of no patner to consider.

I think the way forward is to be open, honest and jeep taking. As others have said, being intimate doesn't mean rampant sex. Kissing and cuddling and general affection are important too.

When you feel 100% ready for full sex, and only when , is when you should do it. No pressure, no time limit, it will come bad turn of phrase ) naturally.

Flip