Advice on weaning a 23mth old from the breast??

[MommaLHK]

I'm trying to get my daughter to stop breastfeeding. At 23mths old, she really only has short feeds at bed time (mainly for comfort I acknowledge). We had the goal of weaning her at 18mths, but got so much resistance I kept going. Now baby #2 is on the way, so really want to wean DD before the new baby gets here. Since she only really was feeding 1x per day, we have gone cold turkey. Giving her lots of luv and cuddles, but she is still resisting, with daily tantrums before bed (begging for it by name "mummy's milk"), and other signs of separation anxiety throughout the day, that usually end in tantrums. Any advice on smoothing the transition more than welcome.

Keep boobs covered up, high neck tops.
I found saying 'not now, later' better than saying 'no'. Get someone else to be with her at key times when you would normally bf - can you get your partner to put her to bed for a little while?
It can be heartbreaking - I weaned my DD at 2.5 yrs because I had had enough, I think she would have carried on for some time!

Thanks for the tips. Have tried the high neck tops - it helps, but we still have the melt downs. It is heart breaking at times. Try to get Hubby to help at bed times, but she just cries and cries for me. I was always hoping that she would self-wean, as I've heard so many others do. But she really enjoys it, so it seemed like she was prepared to keep going.

How long did your difficult transition period last before your DD accepted that there would be no more of mummy's milk?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. How far gone are you? I only ask as this might be the answer for you. As your milk changes in flavour and dries up, your DD might decide to stop feeding herself? Can you tell her the milk has all gone?

Was going to say what fivepies said - my DS1 basically self-weaned when I was in the second trimester because my milk supply totally tanked and it didn't seem worth his while anymore. He was down to just a bedtime feed and it got shorter and shorter until I told him one evening that he was "a big boy now and had drunk all the milk". Never asked again!

Thanks Fivepies. I'm 17 weeks with the pregnancy. I had read that the milk will change with the pregnancy and thus DD might stop on her own, and was hoping that would happen. But now over 4 months in, I'm worried that she is not showing any signs of disinterest, and I want to make sure we have enough time to transition so that she doesn't link her weaning to the arrival of the new baby. I have tried telling her that the milk is all gone. She's not buying it.

I think I was closer to five or six months when DS1 gave up, so it could happen yet! Remember a month is an AGE for a toddler so they're unlikely to associate weaning with the new baby even if it's only a couple of months before they arrive.

Thanks leedy. that's a great story - wish it worked so easily for my DD. I have tried telling her its all gone and it's finished. I will keep that up and hopefully she will accept it. Perhaps I didn't wait long enough for the milk supply to change, but I am well into my second trimester now, and she was still pretty content with the bedtime feeds. We are now about 2.5 weeks into the cold-turkey end to bf-ing, and she still cries and tries to get some at bedtimes (usually 30-40minute episodes until she finally gets tired enough to give up and take a milk beaker instead). Wondering how long this will last before she accepts the new breast-free norm.

I kept feeding throughout my pregnancy with DD2. I don't think I completely stopped making milk until about 5 months. But DD1 still wanted feeds, so my earlier suggestion may not work for you either.
You sound as if you definitely want to stop feeding but have you considered continuing? I found it really useful to have DD1 still feeding occassionally (especially in the early days with engorgement). I think it helped with jealousy issues - DD1 says my left boob is hers and my right is her sister's! Obviously itis up to you but just wanted to pass on a bit of my experience tandem feeding...

fivepies - that is so sweet how DD1 "shares" her boobs. I have thought about tandem feeding as I have loved BFing and never really found it to be burden at all. Not sure where I am on the final decision re: tandem. I got a lot of mixed advice from the medical community (including GPs and OBs) about whether or not I should continue breast feeding during the pregnancy.

Curious, when you stopped making milk at 5mths, did DD1 stop feeding or did you go through the process but with no output? If you stopped, did DD1 then restart occasionally once DD2 (and the milk supply)arrived? Thanks for giving me a bit more food for thought. I do love the bonding moments in nursing my DD, and it does have a magical effect to her calm down. I just don't want her to have an unhealthy dependency on the boobs that inhibits her growing independence (not there yet, but looking down the road).

I really wouldn't worry about extending feeding inhibiting her independence as a factor, or that it's in some way "unhealthy" psychologically - eg I know for a fact one of my friends' kids was fed until he was 4 and he's one of the least clingy kids imaginable now. I think one of the nicer things about feeding a toddler is that it's a sort of pit-stop of mum that they can come back to and then make their way off into the world, IYKWIM. DS1 was nearly 30 months when he stopped and I wouldn't have thought him overly reliant on boob - was happy to be comforted in other ways, go to nursery, be put to bed by people other than me, etc.

(That said, I personally didn't really want to tandem feed just because I find nursing a newborn a bit relentless...)

DD1 would still feed once a day or so. I think I produced some milk but was very dehydrated due to hyperemesis so it was hard to tell. We did night wean her (she was younger than your DD) but due to tiredness rather than supply.
So we still had feeds but DD1 was just suckling rather than drinking.
When DD2 was born DD1 had some feeds so got some colostrum which I thought would be good for her immune system. My milk came in on day 3 and I suffered no engorgement or pain. Interestingly, with DD1 I got really bad letdown pain, since DD2 there has been none. I put this down to not stopping feeding (could be wrong though!).
I found mainly negative opinions from GPs and midwives. The standard phrase was 'make sure you leave some for the baby', which just shows ignorance of how the body makes milk! I just had faith that my body would make enough and it does, thankfully. As an indication, DD2 lost no weight after birth. Tandem feeding seemed to confuse the medics.
I love still being able to feed DD1 - the power of the boob! It is good to be able to feed her when she is ill (she is ill less than her peers). She is 2.5. Regarding independence, both my DDs are outgoing (more so than their parents!). DD1 loves going to nursery. No clingyness but she is very affectionate.
Hope this helps!

My DD is now 6 (such a big girl!) and is a happy, healthy, confident child, but if I'm honest she is a bit of a clingy Mummys girl at time, although I can't say if that is anything to do with extended bf - it's probably just the way she is.
She wasn't happy to give up bf, but I really needed a break from it, although it broke my heart to stop too, but I never thought 'this is the last feed' and I do remember her often talking about bf afterwards and sometimes getting a bit upset that she didn't do it anymore. One day, some weeks/months later she had been quite poorly and asked to feed and even though I couldn't imagine there was any milk to be had, I agreed and she snuggled in as before and wrapped her fingers in my hair and was so happy and content, but after that she never asked again although would happily 'reminisce' about it. Curiously once she was about 3.5 her memory seemed to shift a bit and she couldn't actually remember bf, although she knew that she had.
It's very much a personal decision, but a 'comfort' feed is a very powerful thing to be able to give your child.

I have read all this with great interest as I am 9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and stiLl BF DS1 who is 18Mo. I was v strict with the length of feeds when we were ttc as didn't want to impact fertility and DS1 generally seemed ok when I ended a feed. He was having morning and bedtime feeds. Since I fell pregnant he has become v insistent about his feeds and will not let me end it when I decide (I was gradually reducing the length of the feeds in attempt to wean) but puts his hand on my chest to push me back in the chair so he can keep guzzling! He is showing NO signs of self weaning! I am hoping he will do in my 2nd trimester as can't bear the thought of OP's situation each evening. I am not totally against the thought of tandem feeding but have a lot of pressure from family not to do that as everyone seems to think it weird! DH main issue is that he wants DC2 to have the same exclusivity that DS1 had. Not yet seen MW so no idea what she wiLl say but 2 GPs said I should wean before getting pregnant

I agree that the GPs and Midwifes generally have a very negative view on bfing while pregnant and/or tandem feeding. Looking at so many examples in other cultures where this happens all the time, and knowing that your body will respond to demands, I'm coming to the view that continuing bfing is perfectly fine. It's just a question of whether you are comfortable and happy to do it as a mother. to BlueC2 - I'm willing to bet your midwife will tell you to stop feeding during pregnancy and try to scare you into thinking that the milk producing hormones will destabilize the establishment of your pregnancy (that's what I was told). As I said, I have been bfing through week 16 and so far all is well. Having reflected on all of the advice in this thread, I am starting to rethink my decision to wean DD. We both enjoy bfing.

momma I have booking app next week so am preparing myself for the comments! I also enjoy BF and love my snuggles with DS when he feeds-I'd never planned to feed this long, just went with the flow and here I am. DH has been v supportive all the way through it's just the tandem thing he struggles with. I got mastitis 3 times in first 9m of feeding DS though and wonder if tandem would help reduce risk of that which may help convincing DH on tandem if DS1 doesn't self wean. Will see what the next few months bring. Hope all goes well for you momma I think whatever you decide it's a very personal decision and we just need to be confident in what we know about BFing out LOs which is probably rather more than the MWs GPs and HVs do!

MommaLHK, whichever decision you make I'm sure it'll be the right one for you and your family. Continuing bfing is the easier decision I think! Good luck!
BlueC2, I didn't even think to tell my midwife I was bfing when pregnant. I think it got mentioned later in the pregnancy. Toddlers really don't feed so much so I don't see this issue really with regard to impacting on the pregnancy. My DH has been supportive of tandem feeding but I understand why yours might be confused about it. I'm not sure about idea of the second baby having exclusive access....your DS won't be feeding often leaving 99% of your time for DC2. I have fed both my DDs at the same time and DH thinks it is hilarious. It freaks me out a bit.....I think 'no, too much, give me my boobs back'! Good luck to you with your pregnancy.