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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

A partner that is jealous of you breastfeeding?

22 replies

riomoonlight · 03/10/2010 23:21

I thought i was copeing well with breastfeeding but my partner told me an hour ago i wasn't. A suggested i give formula milk. I know he said this because he is very jealous of me breast feeding. I try to express milk so he can join in but its very time consuming (and boring) it takes me about an hour to express 2oz at the very most, what the norm? I'm really upset about his lack of support. I will not be pressured into giving formula. My baby is only 5 weeks old and i was hopeing to breast feed for least another 5 months. Any ideas on how to cope with my partners serious boob envy?!

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 03/10/2010 23:24

He is being very unsupportive. There are many more things he can do to help, he can have big cuddles, fetch you things while you feed, help with burping afterwards. He probably thinks bottles will stop the endless feeding. At 5 weeks, a baby will be feeding little and often, and tbh makign bottles up is more faff than it's worth.
Well done on your determination :)

fuschiagroan · 03/10/2010 23:25

I would just calmly point out why you want to bf, health benefits etc, and the fact that it will only be for 6 months (you can renegotiate then if you want to carry on, or decide whether carrying on longer is worth the angst)

Even though it is completely irrational of him, I do not recommend just telling him to grow the fuck up (although that is what I would secretly be thinking) - it's not going to make him like it even more and you will just be in for a mardy six months. Maybe break it down and ask him lots of questions about exactly what it is that bothers him, and hopefully, subtly, get him to see that it's his problem really. Is he jealous that you get more time with the baby, or that the baby 'owns' you/your body?

poppydog10 · 03/10/2010 23:52

Keep at the expressing - it will up your supply so gradually be able to express more. Are you using a manual pump or electric? Remember in the early days, babies stomachs are so tiny that they won't need to drink a whole big bottle in one go. Remind him of the health benefits, cost benefits, and simplicity of bf - no sterilising/preparing bottles etc, and that he doesn't have to get up in the night. I'm sure if he had to do night feeding the novelty would soon wear off!

BertieBotts · 04/10/2010 00:55

:( Sorry to hear your partner is being less than supportive.

Could you allocate him his own specific job to do? Maybe he could give the baby his bath at night - it's a "nice" activity (unlike e.g. changing nappies!) and they get to have close skin to skin contact. If your baby doesn't like baths then Dad getting in the bath with him is a great way to help him feel secure (remember to keep the water warm rather than hot though!)

Expressing is so time consuming and seems selfish of him to ask you to do, if you don't have to (e.g. if you were going to work) and giving formula at this stage could really affect your supply as things are just getting established still.

BertieBotts · 04/10/2010 00:57

Also it sounds like you ARE doing well and please don't let your partner bring your confidence down! You have done really well for your baby already :)

tiktok · 04/10/2010 01:09

Oh please.

A grown man being jealous of a new baby's normal needs and pressurising his partner to stop meeting these needs....sorry, whatever else he is like in other parts of his life and your partnership, this is utterly pathetic.

Expressing (which can be boring and unproductive, as you say) is to indulge him and appease him. Babies grow into demanding toddlers who also need a lot of their mum's time and attention (even when dad is around, they still need their mum as well). Is he going to sulk about this, too?

Has he not realised, after 5 weeks, that he can bath the baby and do other things that could actually support you, instead of undermining you?

I would not be able to resist telling him to be a man and a father, and not a spoilt brat....sorry, not much help!

Miasma · 04/10/2010 01:15

What a knob.

Tell him to pull his head out his juvenile arse and give you some support.

Your baby is the most important thing. You breastfeed for as long as you want to!

foxytocin · 04/10/2010 03:49

I also think like BertieBotts that expressing for a feed is time wasted. Sorry if I am putting words into your mouth Bertie.

If he comes from a formula feeding extended family, it is understandable, but still unacceptable, that he does not value breastfeeding. Some people say it is a deep seated breast envy thing. In his own babyhood he has been deprived of comfort at the breast. Still doesn't make it all right though. Many men who were ff as babies have no problem with supporting their wives and partners with breastfeeding.

Stick by your guns. Practice serene indifference. If he loves you and your baby he will grow up and deal with it. He has to accept it. This is one of the things that men just have to respect and grow to love about their wives and babies if they have any self respect about them.

WelcometotheJungle · 04/10/2010 04:19

Point out to him that while you breastfeed, he gets a full nights sleep and if you were to bottle feed he may be getting up in the middle of the night on a regular basis!

Stick with the BF, he'll just have to get over it.

The latest mumsnet newsletter points out the benefits of BF in that the babies get less and less severe childhood infections.

nickytwotimes · 04/10/2010 07:37

My first was ffed.
My second is bfed.

DH spends as much time with the second as teh first.

He needs to grow up really. This is SUCH a short period of time and it makes such a huge difference to your baby's health AND yours too.

You are doing really well. You deserve his support, not pressure to ditch bfing.

polo79 · 04/10/2010 08:40

As others suggested can you give him other special things to do with baby?

My DH has always done bathtime and still does 3 years down the line. This is their time and he has a great bond with both of them.

He admits BF is easier for him as he doesn't need to get up or wash bottles.

Guacamole · 04/10/2010 08:47

I'm lucky to have a supportive DH but he does feel a little left out because I'm at hone with DS and he's at work.

We've therefore got Daddy jobs...DH does bathtime, storytime (even though DS is 6 months). At the weekend they go for morning walks together, which is great because I get to gave a nice bath and on Sunday they go swimming together.
Maybe you could suggest some of these with your DH?
Also I think SureStart centres often have Dad's clubs on Saturdays?

madmn52 · 04/10/2010 09:00

Methinks you have two babies - not one. I would ignore his pathetic behaviour - certainly wouldnt accredit it by pandering to him or trying to win him over about it.

As someone else said what will he do when he/she is a toddler who wants to sit on your knee all the time etc. He'll probably want to sit on your other one !

Sorry but I couldnt take him seriously as a man - jealous of his own baby - pathetic !

EauRouge · 04/10/2010 09:02

Yes, definitely agree with the daddy jobs. If your DH wanted more bonding opportunities then you could get a sling or carrier for him to carry the baby in when you go out rather than using a pram.

Try showing him this.

madmn52 · 04/10/2010 09:03

Methinks you have two babies - not one. I would ignore his pathetic behaviour - certainly wouldnt accredit it by pandering to him or trying to win him over about it.

As someone else said what will he do when he/she is a toddler who wants to sit on your knee all the time etc. He'll probably want to sit on your other one !

Sorry but I couldnt take him seriously as a man - jealous of his own baby - pathetic !

DitaVonCheese · 04/10/2010 09:20

Is he jealous of you getting to spend time with the baby or the baby getting to spend time with you?

You sound as though you're doing great by the way :)

Original poster

riomoonlight · 04/10/2010 12:28

Thank you for all your support and suggestions.
He is jealous of me

being the only who can feed baby
the time spend with baby
not going to work (& not going back)
not doing fair share of housework/cooking (big baby and lots of stitches!)

He does most nappies, baths and burps. Took him to doctor for the first time. Goes for daily walks but hates the fact he cant go for long.I sign him up for swimming classes after xmas.
That quiet alot when i write down. More than most. Enough apeasing him.
I'm going to -
"Stick by your guns. Practice serene indifference"
thanks foxytoxin, yes i agree my DH has to just deal with it.

OP posts:

DitaVonCheese · 04/10/2010 13:00

Although he's been a complete prat, it is good that he wants to be so involved (and I think DH is still jealous of me not going back to work (yet) - I think he really has no idea what my days are like). Five weeks in is still pretty early and it's a time of adjustment for all of you. Sticking to your guns in the meantime sounds like a good plan. Good luck :)

mrsgordonfreeman · 04/10/2010 13:42

My DH feels very strongly about this. He told a friend to stop getting his wife to express so he could feed his 2 week old recently.

He says 'it's a baby, not a lamb in a petting zoo.' there are lots of ways for men to be fathers, and it's not forever.

Trillian42 · 04/10/2010 14:19

I think you're all being a little hard on him! It'd be much worse if he wasn't interested.

Still, I'd resist the pressure to FF, but maybe say to him that you might try expressing again when you've a better routine established in a few weeks - by then you might like to be able to have a few hours to yourself for whatever reason. :)

narmada · 04/10/2010 14:23

What tiktok said! Boy, is your DP in for a shock as your son gets older!

cory · 04/10/2010 21:54

'it's a baby, not a lamb in a petting zoo.'

Should be quote of the week!

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