Boarding (and which?) or not for quieter boy

[77Lion]

Hi all,

We are deciding on a school for our quieter, individual DS and we are not sure we should send him to board. DH (who is also more of a loner and loved boarding) thinks he just needs a bigger pond to find his people in, but I have always heard boarding is not for introverted children.

He is very bright and broadly interested, doesn't have a tight friends but isn't bullied. Introverted but in an independent way more so than a neurodivergent way. But I still would call him insecure, for example in team sports.

A friend suggest Winchester as a place where he could find some like-minded souls. We are also looking at Teddies (close to home), Shrewsbury (DHs old school) and others.

OP, why do you want him to board, and what does your DS think about this? I’d look at all the independent schools within reach to see whether a day school might be better for him? If you live near Oxford, there’s a reasonable amount of choice. Go and look at them all - day and boarding - and see which you think would be the best “fit” for your DS.

Does he have to board? Do you not want him with you?

@TallSturdyGirls It’s super ignorant (at best) to suggest that op doesn’t want her dc with her because she’s exploring boarding. Many children who board find their independence whilst doing so and presumably op is looking at the positive aspects that boarding will bring to her child.

I have no practical advice on which school op, but I do have experience of an introvert and low confidence child (female) finding their flow and becoming more confident at boarding school. Also, a colleague with a shy ‘not first team sports’ son, moved her child to state boarding school in y9 and she swears it was the making of him. I hope you find the right school for your boy.

Personally I'd choose one as close to home as possible so you can watch matches etc. Friends of ours have sent one of their kids 4hrs (each way) away and it's such a schlep every exeat..

Oundle is a great option for you I would think. Not too far to visit either (if the A43 isn't a nightmare). WinColl is a good idea too. Ditto Eton.

How old is he now, OP? When we first started thinking about senior school options for DS in Yr 4, he was absolutely not boarding school material - far too insecure and lacking in confidence. But now he's in yr 8, he's a different child.

If he's bright and really enjoys the academics, then yes, Winchester may suit. I think Eton needs a bit more confidence (but that may come as he matures) and I think they look for kids who have strong extra curricular interests (whether that's sport or music). I think schools like Radley and esp Marlborough need a lot more sport or a lot of confidence.

Be warned that you may get a lot of negative comments on here (even in this forum) for people implying you must hate your child if you want them to board and lots of stories of people (from the 70s and 80s) saying how much boarding school traumatised them.

I think the most important thing is to keep your options and mind open. Look at full boarding and schools with day or flexi boarding options - and then you can choose later as he develops. But nothing beats going to look at them - we ended up choosing Eton because we were blown away by how warm and homely it was, but I am checking in with DS every term to see if he's still keen to board. I've made it very clear to him that I will not force him to board if he doesn't want to, so he feels like he has some agency in this decision.

How old is he and what does he think? A reluctant year 6 is very different to a year 8/9 who wants to give it a go, I should imagine?

we used a www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk to help us draw up a shortlist - they’re reviews of boarding schools are really indepth.

I’d go for a large school which increases the chances of him finding his tribe. Smaller schools lead to big fish/small pond issues where more tend to fall in line of the most dominant rather than each following their own paths at their own beat of the drum.
i would also look for a strong academic school where hard work is valued and diligence the cultural norm amongst pupils - the vibe at these schools is way more tolerant if not normalised for the more introverted child.

your list of schools is great, I’d add rugby and Oundle too.