Boarding for quirky introverts

[blondecat]

Hi All

Our lovely, quirky, over sensitive, super imaginative, introvert thirsty for friends DD wants to weekly board. The place is a day school with a tiny boarding attachment, as in maybe 10-15% boarders. And she could be home every Friday PM and go back Monday early
Am I crazy to consider this?

She is really unhappy at her current day school and there are no close enough to commute alternatives.
they have like 2 boarding houses for girls, maybe 15-20 in each with rooms of 2-3 sharing. So it’s sort of homely if somewhat ersatz

Or is it better to push for a “real boarding school” with nice facilities and good record of pastoral care?

thank you

Hi there,

I would try and chat to parents and get a real insight into what time the other day girls go home and what activities are on offer. Can they cope with boarders with different personalities that want to do different things or does everybody have to do the same thing or just watch TV? Also, what is the level of pastoral care like? How many Matrons and house parents/resident tutors/other staff will be around on an evening or do most staff go home at night? What is the arrangement for supper and breakfast? If they only have a small number of boarders, do they have much selection or do they assume everyone will make do with toast or cereal? If they only have a small number of boarders, are these local girls who will go home on a weekend or are the majority international students who will stay in at weekends but will often stick with others from their own country?

My DD was a day girl at a school with a tiny number of boarders and she said she would never have boarded there as it looked like a miserable life for the handful that were left behind each evening. Later when she boarded she moved to a school with 50% boarding and that worked much better, though the school emptied out at weekends. Wish we had known to check that before.

I would always strongly suggest sending your DC to a school where they are in the majority, or at least a large minority, whether that is as a day pupil, a weekly boarder or a full boarder. Schools cater to where they get most of their income, and if only a small amount of their revenue is from boarding, then boarding will only get a small amount invested in it, both financially and emotionally.

Good luck whatever you decide.

So long as she knows she can change her mind you can try whatever school she chooses.

Probably best to live at home really if that at all possible

How old is she? Is she autistic? I ask because quirky, introverts who are struggling with friendships about sums it up! Is she wanting to board as it's the only alternative to her current school and she is really desperate to leave? I'd be worried about how she might have idealised the other school and that sadly she may find she has the same issues there - except now she doesn't get to escape home every day.

It's impossible to tell really where she might be happiest, you never know where she might find her tribe or what might work for her. Can she visit the other school for a day and get more idea of the reality of it?

@blondecat just wondering if this school is in Surrey?

Boarding is difficult for introverts because you don't get a second to yourself and that feeling that you have to be "on" and aware of other people really builds.

Think, even when you're taking a shit you have to be conscious of the girls in the stalls next to you.

I'd describe myself as a quirky introvert probably, and the idea of boarding and having the share a room with someone makes me feel genuinely ill. Has she thought about what will happen if she doesn't like the girls she's sharing with? Or they are 'off' with her?

I find I need huge amounts of space and alone time, and boarding would have been a nightmare for me. I get that she is unhappy currently, and thinks another school would be better. But boarding could make everything much worse. If she's unhappy there then she's trapped for days with people she doesn't want to be with.

That was a question that came up. She shows some traits of “masking” highly intelligent ASD women but not nearly enough for diagnosis.

I am worrying about the “grass is greener” idealising as well.

so much uncertainty

Would there be any way to manage her being a day pupil at the school she likes even if it meant a longer commute?

Im wondering whether there is a middle ground of two nights a week boarding, two nights a week commuting that might be a solution at least for the first year.

Not quite in the same situation, but wanted to give you a positive response. We moved my DC from a day school to be a weekly boarder, close enough to commute, but would make it a long day (not autistic, but highly believe ADHD). We said we would try it (boarding was their choice), and it has absolutely been the best thing. They love it so much, I wish we had considered it earlier. They love being with their friends in the week and coming home at weekends, they have the best of both worlds and we are close enough to pop in the week to see them for matches, parents evenings, events etc or they can come home mid week if there is something on. Sharing with others has made them learn more about give and take, how you learn to get on with people even if they aren't quite your type. They like their own space and being around other 24/7 is something they have to adapt to but there are always quite spaces to go. Can she do a trial before you commit. We did and it really helped. Good luck

This!

I was your quirky, sensitive, thirsty for friends daughter. (I hope I was lovely but probably more spicy!)

I went to boarding school. Two different ones. The first was better than going to that school as a day girl (day girls were in the majority). I was miserable as a day girl and things improved once I boarded. But it was very silly for a number of reasons. So I asked to go to a different school in a different town.

The second was fabulous. Mostly boarders. But we were all there most of the time on weekends except a couple of weekends a term. I don’t think it would have been the same experience as a weekly boarder.

I think it’s tricky. It probably depends entirely on the cohort of girls. I got incredibly lucky and found my feet. Very little in the way of meanness and bullying, which was surprising.

My home life wasn’t great though so I think I thrived on the routine and structure.

What needs are your daughter expecting to be met that she feels are not being met now?

This is a different school to her current one? Could go either way but imagine that you are in a room with someone you don’t get on with , if you are struggling with social relationships in the day then you have no relief from it in the evening either. If there is a good programme of activities in the evening after school then she may divert her creative energies there but as an introvert i found boarding very tough . As a pp said, what is she hoping will be different, other than escaping her current school?

I believe some offer trials, this would probably be the best option, for her to get a feel before you all commit.

I would say that if your daughter is having friendship issues and doesn’t like the school she is in now then I don’t think boarding school will be her best option. At least at the moment she can come home and escape the problems she has.
I was sent to boarding school at 6 years old, I would describe myself a a quirky sensitive introvert too and I absolutely hated it.. there was no escape. My mother was also not willing to take me out even when I cried in a regular basis.
As a 48 year old, I don’t have a relationship with my mother. Deep down she knew boarding school wasn’t right for me but she was too busy having a good time to care.
Please don’t send your daughter. Perhaps look in to other day schools.. Steiner or Montessori schools are great for quirky kids if you have the money.
Or perhaps consider homeschooling with great tutors.. x

I’d worry that this is a push decision ( doesn’t like her current school) rather than a pull decision ( actively wants to board). Also, Personally I think boarding pupils are better served in a school where the majority board so that the structure of the school day is set up for the boarders rather than the day students. There are a few schools near me with boarders in the major minority but those girls are mostly part of National sports excellence programmes so they have a lot of training that absorbs the time after 3:40 when the day students leave. There aren’t that many ECAs other than those because most girls will do those through town clubs/ societies. However, if you do look at “proper boarding schools” most will have Saturday school and matches which makes it a v short weekend as they mostly need to be back in Sunday night too.

@Kelwar I think going at 6 years old might've been a big reason you wanted to come home...I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Op this can work but you need to look at the school closely. If only a small amount of girls stay, what do they do after school? If they're not very nice than your daughter is stuck with a small group of mean people she can't escape. I second what others have said, a larger boarding % usually works best.

Yes you are probably right.. 6 is just too young and I’ve not been able to forgive my mother for it.. abandonment issues and all that.. I did enjoy the last few years as a boarder.. by then I was almost institutionalised so when I left at 16 I was absolutely bereft.. anyway.. thanks for being kind.. x

Whilst your DD may be thirsty for friends, I think I would be nervous about sending a "quirky", "overly sensitive" introvert to boarding school. She may strike gold and find the perfect friend but otherwise I would worry that she might feel more left out of friendships than she does now. The chances of striking gold in the friendship stakes are low if there aren't many boarders. If she is autistic, it may be that she is coping well due to the fact she is coming home each day and any scaffolding and support that you may have unknowingly put in place and which will disappear if she goes to boarding school which would make it more difficult for her to regulate herself etc which may in turn make it more difficult to establish friendships.
Is there a structured activity she could do outside of school which would help establish non- school friends?

Personally I don't think boarding school is a great place for introverts.
Our son has just started weekly boarding at a school where boarders are 10% of the population. He enjoys the school but the boarding is not so much fun.. he's outgoing and has no problem making friends but needs plenty of sleep and finds the majority of others in his dorm too noisy and boisterous. He hates them. It's hard work for all concerned.
He expects us to turn up at EVERY opportunity to see him and we are doing hundreds of miles a week.
It certainly wouldn't work for him to be a full boarder. Our local state school is dire. So we don't have too many alternatives.
Previously we also considered weekly boarding for his older sister. She is more sensitive and not as easy going as her brother. I can only think it would have been ever more difficult for her.
I would think hard about this move..

I would find another day school for her.

@sheep73 you have a dire boarding school than tbh. The house shouldn't be that boisterous and full boarding would probably be more stable. 10% boarding is a tiny amount and massively limits evening activities. That creates lots of bored teens and there lies your problem. Of anything this is a great examples of why op should look at more full boarding. Expecting you to turn up to everything is something you need to manage too, even as a day pupil that's not something most parents do.

Some boarding schools offer flexi-boarding for 2-3 nights a week, which she could try to see how she feels. She can always switch to weekly or full boarding later on if she’s happy to.

You know her best but the essence of introversion is arguably finding company tiring and needing to be alone to recharge. I'm sure boarding's changed since my day but I think the essence of needing to be alone to relax and sharing a bedroom, especially with peers rather than family, are fundamentally at tension. Keeping them busy is a key strategy but would that suit her or exhaust her?

People through all of history have shared rooms and even beds but at risk of sounding spoilt, it's still significant extra pressure for some people, in this day and age. I remember craving being alone very strongly.

Re ASD, unless she's actually been assessed you might be surprised how much a trained assessor might pick up. We were told our son wouldn't meet the criteria by about 10 adults - teachers etc - but a psychologist was so sure he was diagnosed before even getting to an ADOS.

My DD was at a predominantly boarding senior school. She was unlucky in her house - she had a couple of great friends in a higher year but by chance the girls in her own year she got along best with were in other houses.

In year 9 she struggled with 3-4 bed dorms changing around regularly (so the girls got to know everyone) - the housemistress quickly realised she needed to stay put and others move. Year 10 I think was pairs. By year 11 she was in a single room even though those were mainly for 6th form.

I remember realising that, despite being fundamentally an ASD rule-follower, she was skating around the rules a lot - walking out of bounds and without companions (in the earlier years) - because she just needed the space to cope. A few discussions about the reasons for those rules helped - or at least, helped me to know she was making safer choices (how far from school, not forgetting her phone, eating enough/having glucose tablets with her). Rowing also helped, and was still one of the things that helped at uni.

Taster days definitely, widen your net a little if possible also I agree is a good idea. From our boarding experience, about an hour's journey from home is a useful distance. DD had longer at prep (choirschool so limited choices), and we felt the difference on the round trip!

Definitely try to be open with housemistresses to get a sense of how they support the girls both individually and as a group.

Good luck finding the right way forward, hope it works out.

@HalfSiblingsMadeContact how funny, I'd written similar and then deleted. I used to go off places into woods where we weren't allowed alone, I knew where you could hide by yourself after lights out. I just didn't get caught. There were legal ways too - I spent a LOT of time in the music practice rooms because it was the only place we were really allowed to be alone, or in the study room at weekends pretending to have a work crisis because most people were elsewhere. When you're by yourself, you're pretty much invisible to everyone else so you can get by. I'd not choose it for my children though. It's great that your daughter had the flexibility to have her own room etc.