Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

[namechangedforthisaibu]

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

@minipie

Poor woman. She probably doesn’t want to go to the hairdresser as she knows it’s not great and there isn’t much a hairdresser could do about it.

I think not upsetting your mum about her hair is more important than your wedding photos tbh.

This absolutely. I have got a bald patch and used to HATE going to the hairdresser and I cringed inside to see the lovely girl who cut my hair struggle to hide the baldness. I delt so much better when (for other reasons, not covid) I stopped going there. I think you are being VVU to think more of what the photos will be like than being pleased that your Mum was there having a happy day.

and sorry but yes it does sounds horrible

@Daisylg

You’ve had some harsh comments, you know your mum and you are saying if she doesn’t get her hair done she will feel uncomfortable on the day. Could you get somebody to come out to her house and braid it for her? If the wig suggestion doesn’t work? X

it might well make the thinning worse as well

No, it sounds like she's an adult woman who made a conscious decision and is ok with that being told that she should not be ok with it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept it and rock it when your balding, what she doesn't need is people telling her she's wrong and will regret it because THEY cant accept it... that reinforces that she should be self conscious and is a form of body shaming.

@mam0918 The poor woman's not "rocking it" though, is she? She's embarrassed and baulking at every photo. Nobody's telling her to be ashamed - but she is apparently ashamed. It would be kinder to help her sort it out rather than reassure her that it's fine when it obviously isn't. The mum will be looking at these photos for the rest of her life, it would be such a shame if instead of reminiscing about the day she is cringing about her hair.

Can't you just ask your mum to braid her hair especially for your wedding😭

My mum also has afro hair but she has really bad alopecia so it's a bit different. If my mum said she wasn't gonna wear a new wig for my wedding I'd be a bit :/

I don't think there's anything wrong with your thread and don't think you sound mean tbh. I'd say to just ask her to braid her hair and remind her how she feels whenever she looks back on pics and doesn't like the state of her hair. If not, maybe just ask what she plans to do with her natural hair instead? And if she has any styles in mind

Let's hope the groom's hairline doesn't start receding before the wedding (like my son's did at 29) or there will have to be a stand in booked for the photos 🙄

My mum died when I was 16, I'd have been happy if she'd been alive to come to my wedding bald and wearing a dressing gown tbh. Be grateful she's there!

Hat shopping?

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.
Tough! If my daughter looks at me on her wedding photos she will see someone looking like a frightened rabbit wanting to throw up, as I think being forced onto photos is abusive, whatever the occasion. I personally don't have a photo of me at her wedding, my choice.

Can you book her an appointment for her to plait at home nearer to the date - if she doesn't want it then cancel. Whether or not she has her hair done ask her if she wants a hat and or fancy / lace head scarf and take her shopping to try something on. I would think she probably already knows how you feel and is feeling bad.

I dont think you're awful at all. My bet is your mum feels self conscious about her hair and has anxiety about the hairdresser and will look back on your wedding pictures and, like before, feel sad.

How about having appointments together from now and build up her confidence?

@namechangedforthisaibu ah I don't think you deserve all the harsh comments here and i'd be upset if my mum wasn't bothered about getting her hair done / looking her best at my wedding too. You want to be in proud and full of joy looking at the pictures and you want her to feel this way too.

I go all out for any wedding I attend, it is a mark of respect to do so IMO and if I am wearing cultural dress I especially want to be proud of my appearance and for my daughter's wedding I would be so excited and planning my outfit, nails and HAIR well in advance. I would wear a wig in this situation I think. Or go to the hairdresser and see what they think might be possible.

I think the words used 'not going to bother' is very hurtful because there should be no 'not going to bother' for your child/ relative's wedding day/events.

You can love your mother and still be hurt and annoyed.

If she was happy and confident without getting her hair done I’d say yabu. But if she’s going to complain and avoid photos I can see why it’s bothering you.

Could you have an honest chat about it? Maybe tell her you plan to frame a photo of you and her as a reminder of the day?

You asked if it sounded horrible: it does.
You askedif you are being unreasonable: you are.

HTH.

If you’re close just ask her why she’s changed her mind.
Tell her she’s beautiful and will look beautiful in the photos anyway but if she’s worried or nervous about her hair you’ll go with her to the hairdresser or help her however she wants, maybe you could go hat shopping etc

You sound a bit Bridezilla tbh.

Be grateful you have a mother you love at your wedding. Not all of us are lucky enough.

@HotPeppasauce2

I bet half these posters don't have afro hair. Honestly you haven't a clue!

With afro hair it doesn't look right if you just bun your up it's not like having English hair. Plenty of white people can just rush out of the door and quickly bun their hair up but this is not the case with afro hair at all.

@HotPeppasauce2

I was coming to say similar.
I think there's a misunderstanding that the OP wants her mom spruced up with a fancy hair do when it's not that at all. For many black women a trip to the hairdressers is often about caring for the hair to help keep it feeling and looking healthy. The hair has to be looked after properly.
In addition to the OP concerns for her mum's hair I've no doubt that family members will wonder what is going on also.
Ultimately you know your mother more than anyone and I know of my mom said that if I was getting married there'd be an underlying issue. Anything from worrying about something to wanting reassurance and encouragement it's ok to go and part with some money for the hairdressers. Does she feel involved in the wedding?

Hi OP. I too have afro hair and I've always hated my hair as a child. There's nothing wrong with it other than its quite thick and hard to mange (always wanted hair like my mum's as she is mixed race) and has a silky curl.

A lot to unpack here.

mum hates weaves she would rather have braids or a wig. She doesn't look after her hair properly either. She still uses Vaseline to oil her hair .

She did want a wig so I might just take her to look at some instead. But she could do with some hair treatments on her natural hair.

@namechangedforthisaibu OP, if you have a close relationship with your mum, you should have a conversation about how she feels about her hair. I wouldn't try to make it about your wedding. Just talk to her about it separately.

Secondly, if your mum is having hair or scalp issues, braids are the last thing you want to do. They'll make things worse.

Thirdly, I don't think she needs to go to a salon for your wedding. There are lots of good natural-looking wigs she could buy. She should take the time now to try them and choose the ones that suit her for your wedding. Job done.

I don't think this needs to be a big issue.

After your wedding, you can have the hair conversation and help her manage her hair issues. Oh and there's nothing wrong with vaseline on your scalp, if it works for you.

@namechangedforthidaibu I also don't think you're being unreasonable. You're not asking for your mum to be an "Instagram model". I get what you're saying and I agree. I just think it shouldn't be an issue. Wig is the answer for your wedding. Caring for her hair issues is separate.

Hi OP, I don't think you're being horrible, you just want your mum to feel good about herself when she looks at the wedding pics, and on the day. Do you have any aunties that could speak to her, could she get a hairpiece, or wear a hat? It sounds like she's worried and just trying to put it out of her mind.
I wish you well, and hope you have a wonderful wedding day with your family xxx

My mum didn’t have her mum with her on her wedding day as she died when she was 14…. I think you need a little bit of perspective, how ridiculous 🙄🤣

@BeeDavis

My mum didn’t have her mum with her on her wedding day as she died when she was 14…. I think you need a little bit of perspective, how ridiculous 🙄🤣

Why do we always get these nonsense posts? Yeah ok your mom had it bad - that doesn't make the OP's feeling any less valid.

Hi,

Would your mum be open to a mobile hairdresser coming to her home to look at her hair?

Your mom has several options in the form of wigs, or she could go natural and go bald or reshape her hair to a short style.

If she's given the right support & information her hair could grow back.
Castor oil applied every night (wear a bonnet or silk scarf to seal in moisture) is a very simple and effective treatment.

Good luck.