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Original poster

Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

222 replies

namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 15:44

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 08/11/2021 16:21

Do you live in an area where there are plenty of afro hair salons? If not she may not be confident.
Or because her hair is in a state she might not be up to sitting for hours in a shop where they might not be shy about commenting on it.
I don't think you are being horrible but I am not sure you are being as understanding as you might be.
Its a shame because I bet there is loads than can be done to help her if she was brave enough to go. There are lots of treatments and a good cut can make the difference. Plus the extensions and weaves that can give her hair volume. Could you talk to a hairdresser first and discuss mum's reluctance?

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/11/2021 16:21

@DarlingFell

Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Of course you want your mum to look nice at your wedding! Any normal, sane person would want their mother to look their best and make an effort for their big day.

AIBU is getting more and more batshit by the day Confused

You don't get to make demands like that. Instructing someone to "look nice"... Don't be daft.
Roystonv · 08/11/2021 16:22

I see it as the op knowing that her Mum will be miserable on the day and when she sees the photos and feel she has let her daughter down on her special day. My dd got married on Friday and I am not one for dressing up/ hair styles/make up so she made sure in advance I would be comfortable and feel happy on the day. OP I get where you are coming from, can only suggest you have someone come to the house for a trial and the same person does it on the day. Bless you both.

knittingaddict · 08/11/2021 16:22

Have a bit more understanding op. Thinning hair is horrible.

My mums's hair has got really thin and if mine goes the same way I may be avoiding hairdressers too. I also didn't get my hair done on the day for my daughter's wedding and neither did she. We all looked pefectly presentable and had a lovely day, without the involvement of hairdressers .

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/11/2021 16:24

I have thinning hair since the menopause and it's quite an ordeal plucking up the courage to see a hairdresser.

LefttoherownDevizes · 08/11/2021 16:24

OP, I struggle with hair loss, an a competent and relatively confident person and going to the hairdressers is sheer Hell. Being confronted by how you look through multiple mirrors, getting your head brushed/combed as there's no hair on it is just awful.

I would equally be mortified if anyone raised it with me, unless you also have hair loss there is no way you could raise this that wouldn't cause upset/offence. I just don't think that people that don't suffer realise how devastating it is.

Anotherbrokenairer · 08/11/2021 16:24

Tell her you're going to have someone come out to give you both a treatment. Make it into a girly thing/ afternoon tea for you both then closer to the time discuss what else the hairdresser could do while she's there. Tape in extensions are quick and very low tension on the hair she has already. Have her bring the fascinator along so the hairdresser can advise on the best style to go with if she doesn't way extensions. On a side note, could it be a cost issue?

sillysmiles · 08/11/2021 16:24

@namechangedforthisaibu this isn't just about photos on your wedding, and it's clear that you are concerned about your mum.
Hopefully your wedding is far enough out that you can get her to go with you, or get a hairdresser to come to the house.

Tilltheend99 · 08/11/2021 16:24

As someone who couldn’t have my mother with me on my wedding day because she had passed away I think you need to put this all into perspective.

Just do what you can to make your mother feel happy and included and don’t worry about the photos.

Original poster
namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 16:24

I haven't got my mum in a choke hold forcing her to have her hair done. My mum is my best friend I love her too pieces she wouldn't move away from her hometown to live 5 minutes away from me if I was such an awful selfish daughter. I know what my mum is like as I said she will be upset if she doesn't have it done.

OP posts:
crumpet · 08/11/2021 16:24

I agree that if she doesn’t want to go to a salon, she might perhaps fee more comfortable to have a mobile hairdresser come to her, unless her actual preference is not to do anything in which case it should be respected.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 08/11/2021 16:25

Of course you want your Mum to look nice and feel good on your big day. And tbh I get where you’re coming from - the notion that your mum can’t be bothered making an effort for your wedding is upsetting. You ANBU. .

Whitecushion · 08/11/2021 16:25

To me it sounds as though you are concerned about your mother and her feelings when she sees the photographs.Not sure why most people are thinking that your main reason for caring is to have perfect wedding photographs.
I would try to talk to her a bit more. Hair loss is horrible and causes huge loss of confidence.

usernumberno46273 · 08/11/2021 16:26

Honestly if it's bad as you say, not a lot could be done anyway if it was that thin as you say. I would say get over yourself.

Chippymunks · 08/11/2021 16:26

I may just take her to look at some wigs she has mentioned that before. don’t do that unless she specifically says can we go and look at wigs.

Merryoldgoat · 08/11/2021 16:28

OP - my mum buffered from hair loss and also had Afro hair.

The only thing she felt better in was a wig but she was so self conscious. She’d never go to a hairdresser etc.

I’d suggest either getting someone to come to the house a week before to help fit and style a wig nicely.

Wolfiefan · 08/11/2021 16:28

She sounds like she’s extremely anxious.
Maybe she is embarrassed to go if her hair is as bad as you say. Can you be honest? Say you are worried she won’t be happy on the day or with the pics if she doesn’t have her hair done?

HotPeppasauce2 · 08/11/2021 16:29

Hi OP. I too have afro hair and I've always hated my hair as a child. There's nothing wrong with it other than its quite thick and hard to mange (always wanted hair like my mum's as she is mixed race) and has a silky curl.

Lots of black hairdressers can go to your mums home.

What about a weave OP? To be fair wigs look good as long they are made from human hair and you find a good wig maker I have a few! I'm 30 BTW.

I will say this though afro hair needs to be looked after and it changes your face completely. Your mum does need to have her hair done it's part of looking presentable... especially with afro hair Blush

DarlingFell · 08/11/2021 16:32

@GreyhoundG1rl

The OP is hardly 'demanding' her mum has her hair done. Why use such hyperbolic language Confused

Get a grip Grin

Original poster
namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 16:32

@Roystonv thank you that is so sweet.

OP posts:
DarlingFell · 08/11/2021 16:33

@Nowhereelsetogo90

Of course you want your Mum to look nice and feel good on your big day. And tbh I get where you’re coming from - the notion that your mum can’t be bothered making an effort for your wedding is upsetting. You ANBU. .
Totally THIS ^
OakPine · 08/11/2021 16:35

I can never understand people post on mumsnet and then take the hump when people disagree with them!

Don't worry hun, it's entirely reasonable you don't want your mother with her awful thinning hair to ruin your day. I do hope that the rest of your family are up to Instagram standards!

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/11/2021 16:36

[quote DarlingFell]@GreyhoundG1rl

The OP is hardly 'demanding' her mum has her hair done. Why use such hyperbolic language Confused

Get a grip Grin[/quote]
I was responding to a previous poster, not op? No grip required, but sweet of you to offer all the same 😘

BillieSpain · 08/11/2021 16:38

At least you know what to expect wen the menopause hits you.

Doubledenimrock · 08/11/2021 16:38

OP I wouldnt bother responding to provocative comments, it will only give them carte blanche to be more goady. It's clear you love your Mum and want her to feel good on your big day. Some good sensible ideas on here, particularly from those who have afro hair. Just focus on those.

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