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Original poster

Mum not going to "bother" getting hair done for my wedding

222 replies

namechangedforthisaibu · 08/11/2021 15:44

Just name changed for this as I don't know what to think about it. My wedding is coming up and my mum planned to have her hair done and now she is saying she isn't going to bother.

She is saying because of covid and stuff she doesn't want to be sat in the hairdressers too long. But she still goes shopping and does everything as normal.

I don't want to sound mean as I love my mum to bits and I do everything for her. But her hair looks terrible! It has thinned terribly at the back so she has a patch of skin with no hair on at the back. She still has her hair round the sides so she tries to pull it over the bald spot and puts it in a tiny bobble. Her hair is very very very short.

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

I hope this doesn't sound horrible I'm just trying to be honest.

OP posts:
Chakraleaf · 08/11/2021 17:12

You are massively being unreasonable! How does this affect your vows!? Seriously

MangoIce · 08/11/2021 17:15

Like what some pp have said. Her hair sounds like it is so badly damaged that she will need a wig. If she’s so self conscious about her hair, then maybe a wig will make her feel more confident?

daisychain01 · 08/11/2021 17:15

I don't want to look back at my wedding photos and my mum just doesn't look good.

It's difficult to say this "kindly" but surely how your mum looks physically shouldn't be anywhere near as important as her being there at your wedding?

It does sound like she is feeling sad (and maybe even miserable) about how her looks have deteriorated as she has got older.

Why not give her a hug or her hand a squeeze whichever you're most at ease with, and tell her that what you care about most is that she's there with you. It will make her feel a damn sight better. You'll remember those words of reassurance when she isn't there any more and you'll be thankful you did.

DistrustfulDinosaur · 08/11/2021 17:18

I know what my mum is like as I said she will be upset if she doesn't have it done. That being the case, i would say to her that you're booking a consultation about your own hair and want to make absolutely sure she doesn't want to tag along and get some ideas for herself. She's not comitting to having it done and it's fine if she decides not to. You're wanting to clarify whether she wants to be included because she's changed her mind a few times already. It would be wrong to book the appointment and force her to go, but perhaps a prior consultation with a hairdresser she feels confident with might be a good option?

mam0918 · 08/11/2021 17:19

@azimuth299

I don't think that OP is being horrible. She knows that her mum is self conscious about her hair, and it sounds like she's too embarrassed to go to the hairdresser. So she'll feel self conscious at the wedding and hate the photos. If OP can gently push her to see a hairdresser or look into a wig then she'll feel fabulous at the wedding rather than embarrassed.

It would be a different story if her mum didn't care about her hair, then it would be unkind to try to make her change for the pictures. But it doesn't sound like this is the case here.

No, it sounds like she's an adult woman who made a conscious decision and is ok with that being told that she should not be ok with it.

It takes a lot of courage to accept it and rock it when your balding, what she doesn't need is people telling her she's wrong and will regret it because THEY cant accept it... that reinforces that she should be self conscious and is a form of body shaming.

Daisylg · 08/11/2021 17:19

You’ve had some harsh comments, you know your mum and you are saying if she doesn’t get her hair done she will feel uncomfortable on the day. Could you get somebody to come out to her house and braid it for her? If the wig suggestion doesn’t work? X

gogohm · 08/11/2021 17:22

Could it be the cost, braids with extensions is pricey. She might not want to admit she's struggling remember

hopeso · 08/11/2021 17:22

I understand where you are coming from. It's not about your mum showing you up but your mum feeling good and comfortable and not looking back at the photos with regret or embarrassment. Could you find a hairdresser who is experienced in Afro hair and issues such as female hair thinning and balding and get them to come over to you for a chat? Your mum would probably feel more comfortable at home, over a cuppa, discussing potential solutions. And if even then, she isn't keen, then you know for sure she doesn't want to pursue it, although I suspect she does, but is too embarrassed at the moment and can't see a way round it.

Couchbettato · 08/11/2021 17:24

What would she say if you said "mum, I want to help you look and feel the best at my wedding. It's going to be the most memorable day of my life. What can I do to help you?"

That way it's open ended, but it expresses the importance to you.

Fwiw I would expect my mother to pull out all the stops for my wedding. You're her bloody daughter for Christ sakes. Of course you're gonna want lovely photos of lovely memories.

gogohm · 08/11/2021 17:24

But a wig might be a better option, it's far more common with Afro hair to wear a wig, even when young, my friend has very short hair and multiple wigs for whatever mood she's in, choice too, she's not got hair loss, normal in the part of Africa she's from

toolazytothinkofausername · 08/11/2021 17:28

@RedCarsGoFaster

The description of her hair is probably exactly why she doesn't want to see a hairdresser....
This.
DixonD · 08/11/2021 17:30

@Flowerlane

Surely you should be thankful that you get to spend the day with loved ones and not care what they look like.
This.

WTAF?

Your poor mother.

fuckoffImcounting · 08/11/2021 17:30

Buy her a great wig - I wear them sometimes and feel fantastic. You need to get the wig fixer thing so it does not blow off in the wind. It is like a hair band that grips the wig and keeps it on.

RisingSunn · 08/11/2021 17:31

Mobile hairdresser with some (braided)wig options? It will be much nicer and less intimidating having someone come over.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 08/11/2021 17:33

We're just moving this thread at OP's request. Flowers

billy1966 · 08/11/2021 17:34

OP,
I would be looking at solutions.
Preferably finding someone who can come to the house and offer suggestions.

Of course you want her to look well and like the photos afterwards.

Starcaller · 08/11/2021 17:34

My mum has Stage 4 cancer and we aren't sure how long she will have with us. Just enjoy the fact that your mum is able to be with you and celebrate your day. If she doesn't want her hair done, then respect that. One day you will look back at your photos and you won't be looking at what her hair looks like, but just a time when you were all able to be together.

Of course, if you think she would like something done with her hair but is embarrassed or reluctant, then I would offer help to find somewhere specific that can help. My mum recently got some hair thickening work done at a specialist place for cancer patients and it looks brilliant and totally natural. A normal hairdresser is going to be quite limited if she's balding. And a wig is a totally fine option too. If she wants a wig then why not arrange to go and choose one together?

grey12 · 08/11/2021 17:34

Funny question: could you do some braids on her? (Coming from the MOST terrible braider!!!!.......)

What I mean is, it doesn't have to look perfect but maybe just a little bit nicer, and with the fascinator it won't be so noticeable that they aren't professionally done Wink or have some family member to help? You're already spending time together at the wedding!

RosiePosieDozy · 08/11/2021 17:38

Her choice. Her hair. Maybe suggest a hairdresser and offer to pay for it. And then let her decide.

Bellringer · 08/11/2021 17:43

Come on, this is a problem a decent hairdresser will be used to. Yes to booking a home appointment for her and you, or her and another person she feels comfortable with. Well done op

soontobeamama · 08/11/2021 17:44

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here!

Your Mum is maybe just embarrassed about getting her hair done as she knows it's bad and doesn't want to feel self conscious.

Could you arrange for the hairdresser that is going to be doing your hair to do your Mum's as well? That's what I did with my Mum, she has really thinning hair and the blow dry made such a difference.

Or, would she be more comfortable using her own hairdresser if seeing a different hairdresser is too much for her? The hairdresser could style her hair around a hat / fascinator. If her hair is really that bad, would she consider a hairpiece? I'm sure she will want to look her best on your wedding day.

Failing all that, there might be treatments she could get that will help get it into better condition before the wedding.

Hope it goes well for you x

stereeotype · 08/11/2021 17:45

Not a nice post at all OP, have you told her you think her hair will look better at the hairdressers? If you've already given her an honest opinion leave it there, it's none of your business how she wears her hair

Spottybotty20 · 08/11/2021 17:46

I think your getting some harsh replies. My mum is the sort that will think she’s too fat to buy a nice dress to wear to something then ruin the day complaining that she doesn’t like her outfit, and then ruin the memory by saying “oh look a photo of cutting the cake, I was crying in the toilet at that point because I looked so awful”

I do my best to preempt this kind of crap and say you can’t do anything about your weight by the wedding but you can get a nice dress so you don’t feel twice as bad.

Is it this sort of thing? Self sabotage so to speak?

C8H10N4O2 · 08/11/2021 17:46

Could you afford for a hairdresser to visit her and do her hair at home? Would that help?

Practicebeingpatient · 08/11/2021 17:46

@minipie

Poor woman. She probably doesn’t want to go to the hairdresser as she knows it’s not great and there isn’t much a hairdresser could do about it.

I think not upsetting your mum about her hair is more important than your wedding photos tbh.

I totally agree with this. It's bad enough she won't look the way she would like to on the day and in the photos without throwing her money away on a pointless salon appointment as well.
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